When Worlds Collide
by LoveBugOC
Summary: Future Fic; except that Marissa didn't actually die. 'A lot has happened in the last four years...all of which is about to be undone.'
1. Chapter 1:The Girl with the Killer Smile

_**First I want to thank the people who read and/or reviewed my other story "Fate". Thank you so so much!**_

**_I wrote this story a while ago. it might be a little bit confusing at first, but I promise the answers will come out soon enough :) It's about Ryan and Marissa and little bit of Taylor (and how she's feeling). _**

**_Hope you enjoy!_**

_**When Worlds Collide**_

_Summary: Marissa didn't die; she has amnesia. Ryan and Taylor are engaged. Seth and Summer are married. Marissa is back in Newport. Ryan sees her. Memories become clearer. Feelings rush back. A lot has happened in the last 4 years...all of which is about to be undone._

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The Girl with the Killer Smile

Four years.

It has been four years since _she_ had died on the side of the road, in his arms. Today is the third anniversary. Although Ryan Atwood doesn't like the term 'anniversary'. Because to him an 'anniversary' is supposed to signify something happy; a celebration. This is anything but.

This morning, like the last two morning of her 'anniversary', he woke up knowing exactly what day it was. So did Taylor. And like the last two mornings, she gave him his space. No questions asked. No attempts at comforting him. Just solitude.

Shortly after leaving the house, Ryan finds himself staring at the all too familiar tombstone. He doesn't talk, he doesn't move. He just stares. Julie joins him a couple of minutes later. It's a routine; a tradition. Ryan and Julie had never had much in common, aside from the fact that they were both from the same world. The only common ground they share apart from that is their love for _Marissa_.

They don't say much. They never do on days like today. But it was comfortable.

She leaves after, to be Kaitlin and Summer. They liked comfort in numbers. Ryan doesn't.

He isn't sure how or when he ends up sitting on the ground, threading his fingers through the tiny blades of grass, but he had. He can feel his phone buzzing in his pocked but he ignores it. He just wants to be alone. Him, the tombstone and the smell of gasoline and fire that always seems to get stronger on days like today.

He remembers it like it was yesterday; 'the day'. It was like minutes he was graduating; _she_ was graduating, and the next he was holding _her_ and _she_ was dying. The colder_ she_ got, the more scared he got. _She_ started to give up and he panicked. He tried to keep _her_ with him. He yelled at _her_ desperately not to give up. _She_ went still. And he clung to _her_; desperately. As though if he held on tight enough _she'd_ come back. _She_ doesn't come back.

The next thing he remembers is waking up in a white room with Kirsten, Sandy and Seth asleep around him. And he panicked. After finally calming down, they inform him that _she_ is dead. This he already knew. He wanted to see _her_, but they wouldn't let him and he freaked out.

_Her_ body was gone. He said it was impossible, that he held _her_, and that _she_ died with him. In his arms. They said _she_ never got out of the car, that he was delusional-that it was normal. He refused to believe that. He refused to believe that he didn't remember, because how could he not remember? Only when the arrangements for the funeral were confirmed (without _her_ body) did he start to think that maybe they were right. Maybe it was a delusion after all, because there were times when he could see _her_. _She_ was all over the pool house; inside the main house...._she_ was everywhere.

He refused to go to the funeral. Seth tried to talk him into it, but he threw him out. Sandy tried after and he refused to even say anything at all. Summer tried but he yelled at her. And when Julie tried, he just looked at her and somehow she understood. He couldn't do it. He couldn't say goodbye.

The next day he was gone. He packed his duffle bag, left a note for the Cohen's and he left. He couldn't stay there. _She_ was everywhere. Everything reminded him of_ her_ and he couldn't stay. He considered going to Chino, but _she_ was there too and he found himself regretting ever taking her there. Corona. That was the one place he knew _she_ wouldn't be. The one place he knew _she_ wouldn't find him. He found a bar; thought it ironic that he was seeking comfort from the one thing he despised more than anything, the one thing that had ruined _her_ life over and over. Alcohol. The next day he woke up hung over as fuck in the back room. The owner of the bar said he could have it if he became a full time bartender. He took the offer, no questions asked.

He hurt-emotionally, mentally, spiritually. The only hurt missing was physical. But he found it a little over two weeks later; cage fighting. When he first started- the first couple of fights, he didn't even fight back. He let the punches and kicks and head buts go. He thrived off of the pain. He needed it. Being hurt physically was a million times better that hurting emotionally. It was easier. The burning sensation that ripped through his knuckles from the punching bad was nothing compared to this. It felt good.

Only when Julie informed him of the PI looking for Volckok, did he start to fight back. His practice was long overdue. And Ryan was sure that when he came face to face with Volchok; the man who killed the love of his life, the only what the bastard was leaving was in a body bag.

But while punching him, while doing the only thing that made any sense at all, he heard _her_. And he stopped. Volchok said he wished he could take it back. So did Ryan, but he didn't want to hear about how bad he felt. Volchok also said it was an accident and that he panicked. Ryan didn't understand how he could just leave them there; leave _her_ there. To die. Ryan wanted Volchok to pay for what he did-not with ending his life, but with living with it for the rest of it. Just like Ryan was forced to do. And for the first time since 'that night', Ryan could live with the fact that Volchok was still alive. Living, everyday, with the knowledge that he killed _her_.

He leans forward on his knees, not caring if the grass stained his jeans or not, and he runs his fingers through _her_ name. '_Marissa Cooper_". To this day, _she_ still made sense to him. To this day _her_ name still made his stomach drop and his heart leap.

The words come out of his mouth before he can stop them: "I asked her to marry me." They're quick; short. He takes a deep breath. "It should've been you...but I love her." He refuses to say anymore.

After leaving Volchok to his own devices, Ryan returned to the Cohen's. It was Thanksgiving. Everyone was there, including Taylor Townsend. The only person missing was Julie, he noticed. A couple of minutes later she was there, wanting to talk to him. He took her to the pool house and she pleaded with him to tell her about _Marissa_. So he did. He told her everything. It had taken hours, but he didn't care. Julie deserved to know about her daughter.

Shortly after that, things with Taylor started to happen. He knew he had to move on, but he had to do it at his own pace. He still loved _Marissa_. He would always love _Marissa_, and after reading her letter and coming to terms with the fact that _Marissa_ would always be his...it was easier to be with Taylor.

The rest of the year just sort of happened. Julie promised she'd be a better mother to Kaitlin that she was to _Marissa_. For the first time for the Cooper family, their family came first. No money; no men. Sandy and Kirsten announced their new baby. Seth and Summer announced their engagement. And Ryan and Taylor decided to go to Berkley.

On the first 'anniversary' of _Marissa's_ death, Julie made sure to be with Kaitlin. Seth promised to be with Summer. And Ryan took off. This was the one thing he couldn't share with Taylor. And as understanding as Taylor was, he knew she was upset. He knew he should comfort her somehow, but he couldn't-not when he could barely keep himself together.

Before he even knew what was happening he had found himself walking down the halls of the Newport County Jail. The guard was leading him to a private room and in his head he was calculating ways that he could kill the bastard without anyone knowing. But they took everything from him at the gate. When he got to the door, he almost ran. But he was here for a reason so he had to stay. And as he walked into the room, staring at the man in front of him, he no longer felt rage, anger, guilt or regret. He felt lost and numb. Only when the door slammed shut did Volchok look up at him. Their eyes connected and he nodded. Ryan nodded back and sat in the chair across from him. Neither of them said anything. They just sat there; silent. Volchok fumbled with the chains linking his wrists o his ankles. Ryan fumbled with the hem of his shirt. After their time was up, Ryan nodded first this time and left, refusing to look back. And it made him sick to his stomach to know that Volchok was grieving the same thing he was; the death of the first girl they had ever _really_ loved.

That was the last time he ever say Kevin Volchok.

He climbs to his feet and stuffs his hands into his pocket. His fingers graze the thin chain sitting in the bottom of his pocket. It was the necklace he never gave her. The necklace he's never had the chance to give her. He's planned on leaving it at her grave, but he couldn't bring himself to take it out of his pocked. Because even though he'd bought it for her, even though it was hers...he couldn't let go of it.

He knows he should go home. He knows that Taylor will call him every hour and wait for him to return home to their shared house. But he can't, not yet. He has other places to be, other people to see. Summer and Kaitlin. But first...

He nods silently at the tombstone before tuning on his heel and heading back to the car. It was a small gesture, so small in fact that anybody watching wouldn't have even noticed. Except maybe Seth, because he noticed everything now-a-days. Sending one last glance back at the grave he knows like the back of his hand, he puts the black SUV in reverse and leaves, knowing that in a couple of months he'd be back for _her_ 22nd birthday.

A couple hours later, after walking on the beach and sitting at the lifeguard station, he finds himself walking along the pier toward the Diner. The people that pass him give him looks. Some were sympathetic, others were confused and others were just unfazed. They'd forgotten. This makes him wonder if he'll forget too-before quickly deciding that it was impossible. She may be dead, but she was still Marissa Cooper.

With his hands stuffed into his pockets he walks slowly, getting closer to the Crabshack. He isn't hungry, or thirsty; it's just one of the places he knew he could find her. He pulls his hands out of his pockets and reaches for the door handle but stops as it opens from the inside. He steps away from the door as a girl with dirty blond hair walks out. She looks familiar.

Confused, Ryan's eyes follow her; travelling over her from her shoulder length hair, to the way her lips sway when she walks, to her long slender legs. His heart skips a beat. He knows that body. He knows every inch, every freckle, and every curve. He shakes his head-it doesn't make sense. The delusion of the _Marissa Cooper _he knew just sat in their booth and smiled at him. She never did or said anything-much less open the door and walk out. He follows her to the bench near the railing as she talks on her cell phone. This isn't right.

She laughs and he freezes. This is impossible. She was...she was alive.

_"She gave me a smile..."_

_"It was a beautiful smile."_

It was killer smile. And he'd know that laugh anywhere....


	2. Chapter 2: The Truth Only He Knows

The Truth Only He Knows

Ryan barely stops the car when he jumps out and jogs up the steps of the Roberts house. After seeing _her_, after hearing _her_ laugh, he left so fast he was surprised that his head didn't literally spin. He hadn't even been paying attention to what he was doing or where he was going when he pulled into the driveway. He rings the doorbell and waits. His hands shaking involuntarily. His breath is shallow and nervous.

Kaitlin opens the door and she smiles at him. "Hey Ryan!" she throws her arms around his neck and he grabs hold of the door frame for support-his legs threatening to give way.

"Kate is your mom home?" he asks softly and she pulls away from him, confused. He gives her a weak smile. Over the years they'd become close. Yesterday was her high school graduation and Ryan made a point in going.

"Uh yeah. She's in the kitchen-" Before she could even finish he's on his way through the house. "Ryan is everything okay?"

"Uh-huh," he says absently, walking into the kitchen to find Julie preparing dinner.

"Ryan, hey," she greets him.

"Can I talk to you?" he asks quickly.

She looks at him, concerned. Then behind him at Kaitlin. "Kaitlin, honey, can you give us a minute?"

"Sure," she whispers. She rubs Ryan's shoulder before running upstairs.

"Is everything okay?" Julie wonders before stopping. She continues to chop the carrots on the counter. "I mean I know not everything is okay but..."

Ryan isn't listening. He leans against the counter opposite her and he lets out a long shaky breath. "She's alive," he blurts out.

Now its Julies turn to grip the counter. "What?"

Her eyes are confused, scared. He bits his lip nervously and sighs. "Julie she's alive. I saw her down at the pier." He stops, observing the woman in front of him. She's shaking her head in disbelief that the daughter she lost four years ago was alive. "I know it sounds crazy but Marissa-"

"No."

Ryan opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out.

"No. Ryan. That's not-no!" Julie yells, dropping her knife on the counter.

"Julie I-"

"Get out," she says sternly.

He drops his hands to his sides but doesn't move.

"Get out Ryan!" she yells desperately, avoiding his gaze.

"Okay," Ryan whispers, admitting defeat. "I...sorry." he goes to leave as Kaitlin runs down the stairs and follows him to the door.

"Ryan what's going on?"

"Nothing," he mumbles. He pulls open the door and goes to step out, but for the first time in his life, someone's faster than him and he comes to an abrupt halt. Kaitlin is in front of him, staring him down. Ryan looks down, avoiding any contact with her. "Kate, please." His voice is weak and desperate.

"Please? You're the one acting like a stranger!" she yells. Trust Kaitlin to be the only one who will tell him off on 'the day'. She bites her lip and Ryan can't bring himself to look at her. "Sorry," she whispers. "I know it's...but you're even more unlike yourself than usual."

"Look Kate, I have to go." He pushes past her and ignores her pleas for him to stop. If Julie wouldn't listen to him, then Summer had to.

* * *

He'd told her everything. He told her about going to the grave, about the beach, about the pier and about seeing her. "She's alive," he finishes, dropping onto the couch in her and Seth's living room.

"What?" she asks her voice barely above a whisper. She sits across from him.

"Sum..." he leans forward and runs his own shaking hand through his hair. "Marissa's alive."

"Ryan..." she trails off, shaking her head. "No..."

"She's alive Summer," he says again. He jumps to his feet suddenly angry and defensive. She doesn't believe him either-which on one hand he understands, but still. "She's alive! I saw her!"

"Ryan she's dead. You know that!"

"I know what I saw!" he yells. He was tired of people telling him he doesn't know what he's seeing; that he's crazy. "I know it sounds crazy, but....I saw-"

"Stop," she tells him.

"Summer-"

"Don't Ryan." She stands up, wrapping her arms around herself. "She's dead. I thought you were over it-"

"Over it?" He laughs sarcastically. "God Sum, I'm not over it! I'll never be over it. Used to it, sure-but she's alive!"

"I can't..." she rushes to the front hall and slips on a pair of flip flops and grabs her car keys. "I have to go."

Ryan sighs and watches her leave. He understands their positions, because had he not seen it for himself, he'd react the same way. He sighs; pulling his keys out of his pocket and closes their front door on the way out. He needs somebody to believe him. And if anybody was going to believe him, it's Taylor.

* * *

Taylor doesn't believe him.

When he got home, Taylor had practically jumped on him, glad that he was okay. His initial thought was why wouldn't he be? But after careful consideration, he thinks she might be right.

She was going on and on about what to for dinner, what movie they should rent or go see, what to do for the rest of the night-everything being his choice of course. He was only vaguely listening as he fell into the chair at the island in their kitchen.

Without even letting her finish, he told her. And like both Julie and Summer, she didn't believe him. "She's dead Ryan."

"Why do people keep saying that?" he asks, rubbing his hand over his tired face. Taylor was a very understanding person and he doesn't understand why she can't listen to him.

"She had a funeral-"

"There was no body Taylor."

"Ryan..." she trails off, not knowing what to say. She believes that Ryan believes what he saw...but Marissa couldn't be alive. It's impossible.

"They assumed she..." he trails off, refusing to finish that sentence. "Maybe she got out or-"

"And went where?"

"I don't know Taylor! I dunno..." He rises to his feet from his seat. "But I saw what I saw. I...I hear her laugh Taylor."

Taylor looks down. If there's anything she was sure about when it comes to Marissa Cooper, it's that Ryan knows her. He knew her better than anyone. It was Marissa's laugh that woke him up in the middle of the night. It was Marissa's picture that stopped him anywhere he saw it.

"And I'd know that laugh anywhere," he says confidently.

"Are you sure you weren't hearing things?" she asks quietly, almost afraid of his answer.

"I stopped hearing her and seeing her a long time ago Taylor." He's only half lying. The only time he sees her is when he's looking for her. And he never hears her anymore. "She's alive." He waits for her to react, to answer. She doesn't and he sighs. "I can't explain it Taylor. I mean I can remember holding her but...maybe she got away. I passed out-"

"Ryan-"

"Maybe she got away," he continues, ignoring her. "There was no body right, yeah. So then where'd her body go?"

She shakes her head and reaches for his hand. "Ryan...she's gone."

"I saw her!" Ryan yells shrugging her off. He pulls his hand out of hers roughly. "I..I have to go." He grabs his keys off of the counter, ignoring the look on Taylors' face.

"Ryan. Wait-can we talk about this?" she asks following him to the door.

"Talk about what?!" he asks loudly before slamming the door behind him. He doesn't know where he's going, but he has to get out of here.

* * *

Summer walks down the ramp of the lifeguard station, her phone to her ear. She never used to understand Coop's obsession with it before, or Ryan's for that matter. But she likes the quiet. Until Seth called wondering why she wasn't home where he left her. So she tells him everything Ryan told her. She makes her way up the beach and back to her car. "Cohen I know that is...that today is today and I get tht he's upset, but he can't just say things like that!"

"There's probably a really good explanation Sum-"

"Yeah like Cohen? It's been four years, she's dead!" She looks up and freezes dead in her tracks at the sight in front of her. "Oh my God..."

"What?"

"Oh my ....Oh my God." She covers her mouth with a shaky hand. Marissa is there, talking to someone, smiling; laughing. "Atwood's right..."

* * *

Ryan pulls into his driveway about two hours later. He puts the SUV in park and leans back into the back of his seat, tilting his head back.

Everything is different now. Everything feels different now.

After leaving the house, with no destination in mind, he found himself back at the cemetery. Again. He figures he shouldn't have been surprised. But it isn't the same. Her grave had always been empty except for a casket, but now it literally felt empty. He couldn't stay there either.

He thought about going to see Volchok. It was only a brief thought but it was there. After all, Volchok was in love with her once too. And even though it makes his sick to his stomach to think about it, Volchok was probably the only person in the world who will even consider believing him. But he quickly decided against it and instead went back to the beach.

And he ran. He ran as fast as his legs would carry him. Even when his legs threatened o give way, he ran. When his lungs burned and threatened to stop working he continued to run. This is as close as he's going to get to an escape.

He still isn't sure what made him stop. He wasn't sure whether it was his legs or his lungs that had had enough. Technically it didn't really matter. He's dropped into the sand, resting his arms on his knees as he concentrated on his breathing. In. Out. In. Out. Breathing seemed to be more of a chore than a natural part of being these days.

It was days like this; when he had nowhere to go, nobody to turn to, that he wished he was back in the bar Corona. Downing shot after shot after shot. Escaping in every sense of the word.

Now here he is, sitting in his car in his driveway, preparing to walk into his house and apologize to his fiancé...and he'll still feel like an outcast.

He sighs and undoes his seatbelt, while at the same time opening the door. He climbs out of the car and shuts it with a loud thud. For the first time he notices Summer's car in the driveway and he quickens his pace. Entering the house, he hears Summer's muffled cries before he even sees her crying into Taylors shoulder. Seth is sitting on the couch beside the, his head in his hands. "Sum..." he whispers from the doorway.

Three pairs of eyes dart in his direction. Before he could even react, Summer has thrown herself into his arms. He holds her lightly and she clings to him. "You were right," she murmers into his neck. "She's alive."

Ryan's arms go limp and they fall to his sides. He knew it. He knew it, but hearing her say it takes him off guard. He blinks rapidly, attempting to hold himself together.

Taylor and Seth don't know what to do.

"Coop's alive," Summer chokes out and she pulls away from him.

And that was it. His legs finally give way and he falls to the ground, bringing Summer with him. He breaks down for the second time since 'it' happened. He clings to Summer desperately, clutching onto her clothing. It's happened. The one thing Ryan would have given anything to have back was back....

* * *

_Review and I'll update :)_


	3. Chapter 3 The Ghost of a Girl Once Known

The Ghost of a Girl Once Known

It has been confirmed. Marissa Cooper is alive. After Ryan had finally calmed down enough to breath, let alone talk, he called Julie and Kaitlin. They came over, as well and Sandy and Kirsten. It was harder for any of them to deny it when both Summer and Ryan had seen her.

The only thing, besides the fact that she was alive, that didn't make sense was why Marissa hadn't told them. Why did it take so long? Why didn't she let them know? These are all things that Ryan is determined to find out.

Seth and Summer left early. Summer needed to sleep before she could fully wrap her head around the knowledge that her dead best friend-the girl she cried over for months, the girl she left lost and empty and utterly numb without-is actually alive. Here was a girl who she'd shared almost 15 years of her life with, who knew her better than anyone, who vowed to there on her wedding, when she had her first child and then her second. Here was a girl who died the same day she graduated from high school...only she didn't die. Summer doesn't understand.

Julie and Kaitlin had left soon after. Julie was too shocked, too stunned, too confused to even react. Kaitlin had screamed angrily at Ryan: "You're lying! Why are you lying?!", before collapsing into the arms of her sisters ex-boyfriend. Her emotions were all screwed up again, over the sister she spent years trying to live up to. She feels happy that she finally has her sister back, that she can go shopping with, talk about boys with...hell, she could finish trying to Marissa's shoes. She feels guilty for ever trying to forget about her. She feels angry that Marissa couldn't tell her she was alive herself, because really, how hard was it to say: "Hey Katie, I'm alive!" in the end she isn't sure how to feel.

Sandy and Kirsten stayed well into the night. Kirsten rubbed his back while he threw up; not once, but twice. Sandy and Taylor got him cold wash cloths and water. Taylor tried really, really hard not to be clingy or worried. Ryan didn't (doesn't) get it. He had been fine, despite being shocked and confused and upset that nobody believed him all afternoon. And now he was breaking down and throwing up. He didn't know how to feel. He feels much like Kaitlin. Happy; that she's alive and _breathing_. Guilty; that he had given up on her. Angry that she hadn't said anything, done anything. But he knew her. There was a reason why nobody had known, and he knew he had to find out why.

He thought about going to see Volchok. Again. To let him know that Marissa was alive. But Sandy said he'd take care of it. He didn't get why Ryan needed to tell the man he once wanted to kill...but neither did Ryan.

After everyone was gone, Ryan went to bed. Taylor didn't push, didn't protest to him going to bed with an empty stomach. Because she didn't understand, not the way he-or anybody- needed her to.

The next morning Ryan had made up his mind. He had to find her. He had to know. He walks out of the bathroom across from his and Taylors bedroom, jacket already in hand. He glances into the room to find it empty. He sighs, knowing that now he'd have to explain himself to her. He walks into the living room, his hands in his pockets. Taylor looks at him and smiles, but it faces when she notices his jacket and his shoes. "Going somewhere?" she asks, pushing herself to her feet.

He takes a deep breath and rubs the back of his neck, "Yeah."

"You're going to find her."

"I have to Taylor. I have to know the truth-"

"You should wait," she says softly. "Take time to think about it, to calm down. I mean do you even know what you're going to say?"

"No, I don't!" he snaps. "But I can't wait anymore, I need to see her. I need to know the truth." His voice is calmer now. Desperate.

Taylor sighs. "Go."

He doesn't even wait for a goodbye before he's out the door. He knows he should've given her a kiss, or a hug or something more than just a nod but he didn't. He could barely think, let alone think straight.

On his way to the pier Julie calls him to say that Taylor told her he went to fine Marissa. Yeah, he said. She wanted to see her, so Ryan promised that he'd find a way to let her know how it went, if it went.

He spent close to an hour waiting inside the Crabshack for her. He ordered nothing. Normally he would've been kicked out by now, but he figured that it was something about his appearance that freaked everyone out. That told them not to mess with them. And for the first time Ryan appreciated the fact that he was still the kid from Chino to some people. Because he didn't even have to lift his gaze for people to understand.

She wasn't coming. He'd gone on a whim that she'd be here, like she was yesterday but she wasn't. He couldn't waste his time here. If she wasn't here, she had to go elsewhere. Even if it took all day. He grabs his jacket from beside him in the booth and climbs out of it. He was aware of the other occupants' eyes on him-the workers, the diners-so he pulls out his wallet and drops a ten dollar bill on the table. He walks towards the door and pulls it open; ignoring the looks everyone was sending him. Before he can step out, someone walks into him. "Sorry," he mumbles looking up. He stops mid-breath staring into the beautiful, sparkling blue eyes of the girl he thought died in his arms.

"Oh I'm so sorry!" Marissa squeals smiling apologetically. "I'm kind of a klutz," she admits, bending down to pick up her bag.

"It's okay," he laughs, briefly remembering all the times she'd fallen over her own two feet. And suddenly all thoughts are gone. He just stares at her, taking in her beauty, her innocence-forgetting why he'd gone to look for her in the first place.

"Um, I'm Marissa Cooper, " she says sticking her hand out in front of her. "Who are?"

"I...uh..." he stutters, his breath catching in his throat. And suddenly he gets it. She smells the same, she looks the same, dressed the same. But she's different. She isn't the troubled teenager he thought he lost four years ago. Her eyes are too innocent...she doesn't remember. "...nobody," he mumbles stepping around her, being very careful not to touch her. He doesn't look back as he walks away. His legs start to wobble and he silently thanks God that he parked so close to the Crabshack, when he falls against his car, his back making a loud thud. His heart is beating so fast he thinks it might break. His breaths are so shallow that he's surprised that he was still even breathing at all. His stomach is turning so much he wants to throw up.

There was only one place he wants to be right now. And it is the only place that Marissa had never been able to find him....

It feels good going down, granted the first few shots burn too. But after that, he doesn't feel a thing. He just knows it feels good. To escape. To disappear. It's just too much/ one minute she's dead, the next she's alive and now she doesn't even remember him.

When is comes up, it feels terrible. It burns his throat and he almost goes back for more anyway; to make it feel good again. But his phone is ringing.

He stumbles out into the parking lot and leans again his car as he puts his phone to his ear. He isn't sure what time it is. "Yeah," he answers the slur evident in his voice.

Seth, on the other end pauses. "Hey man. How's it going?"

"Hey," Ryan slurs again.

"Taylor tells me you went to find Marissa," the Jewish brother says casually, motioning for his father to come over.

"Yeah."

"Did you find her?" he asks, looking at Sandy. He mouths 'drunk' and Sandy closes his eyes.

"Yeah."

"Ryan are you drunk?"

Ryan pauses and shuts his eyes tightly. "Yeah."

"Okay listen to me man, dad and I are on our way, where are you?" Seth asks already on his way to the car, letting Sandy explain to Kirsten and Summer and Taylor what is going on.

"Corona," Ryan slurs. "She can't find me here." He rubs his drunk, exhausted face with a shaky hand.

"Okay we're coming to get you." Seth send Sandy a worried glance and Sandy read his mind, mouthing 'keep him talking'. "Ry?"

"Hmm?"

"How'd it go with Marissa?"

If Ryan wasn't too drunk to move, he would've flinched at her name. He slides down to sit on the ground and rests his head on the car. "She doesn't know who I am."

"What?" Seth asks, confusion evident in his voice as Sandy speeds down the road.

"She doesn't remember me man."

Seth sighs at a loss for words. He feels for his brother, he really does.

"Seth," Ryan says, his voice weak and choked up. "I'm a stranger to her...."

Seth continues to make Ryan talk as Sandy dries them to Corona to pick him up. It was a lot easier to get the man who barely talks, to talk when he was drunk; this he learned 4 years ago while he and Sandy did the same thing. That is, when Ryan wasn't busy punching people and passing out.

By the time they get there, Ryan is on the verge of passing out against his car. Sandy and Seth are able to get him into the passenger seat of his car but Ryan insists on getting his own seatbelt. Sandy hops into the driver's seat while Seth goes back to Sandy's car and they both drive home.

When they get back to Ryan's and Taylor's house, Ryan is again on the verge of passing out. Sandy takes him upstairs while Seth explains to Kirsten, Summer and Taylor what had happened.

Kirsten gets on the phone and calls Julie to her to come over whenever she and Kaitlin have the time. Taylor goes to check on Ryan a number of times. And Summer is finally able to understand Ryan's need to drown himself out.

A couple hours later, Julie and Kaitlin's timing couldn't be better as they walk into the living room at the same time that Ryan came down from upstairs. Ryan nods in acknowledgment to everyone in the room as Taylor hands him some Advil. He swallows them dry and Julie wraps her arms around him.

"Sorry about yesterday," she whispers, remembering that she never gave him a proper apology.

"It's okay," Ryan mumbles. He pulls away and falls onto the empty couch. He knew they were watching his every move/ they always do.

"Did you see her?" Kaitlin asks sitting next to him.

"Yeah." He stares at his hands in his lap, avoiding their confused, worried gazes.

"Did you talk to her?" she asks, watching him intently.

He nods, leaning forward and burying his throbbing head into his hands. He knows he has to tell them, he knows they deserve to know. But how do you tell someone that their daughter or sister doesn't remember them? He wishes someone had told him rather than finding out for himself.

"What's going on?" Julie asks looking around at the people around her, whose eyes won't meet hers. "Ryan."

"You can't see her," he whispers.

"What do you mean I can't see her, she's my daughter?!"

"She won't remember you." He pushes himself off of the couch to distance himself from Kaitlin. She looks too much like her sister.

"What are you talking about?" Kaitlin asks, her voice shaking and it makes him want to punch something.

Ryan sighs and runs both hands through his hair. Taylor wraps comforting arms around his waist. "She didn't know me," he tells them. "She had no idea who I was, I just....I was a stranger." He watches Julie's face fall and looks down, unable to look at Kaitlin.

"So just because she didn't remember you, it doesn't mean she remember anybody else," Kaitlin says stubbornly.

"You really think that I'm the only one she doesn't remember?" he asks, finally looking at her. She looks down. "Do you really think that after everything she went through I'm the ONLY one she doesn't know?! What are the odds Kate?!" he watches her cower away from him and he remember s that she's never witnessed 'angry Ryan'. "I'm sorry," he whispers.

Kaitlin goes to protest but Julie's faster. "Sweety he's right."

"Why?"

"Because he was the best thing that ever happened to her."

Ryan looks down and swallows the tennis ball sized lump in his throat. "I have to go," he murmers, moving Taylor's arms from around him and going back upstairs.

Taylor watches helplessly. She bites her lip before turning back to her company.

"What do we do?" Summer asks, speaking up for the first time since Ryan got home hours ago.

Kirsten speaks up when nobody else seems to have an answer. "Well chances are she doesn't know she should remember us so...we should give her time. Now that she's in Newport, something will trigger her memory and when it does, she'll come to you. To us."

The next morning Ryan wakes up with a raging headache making his head feel like a ton of bricks. Knowing that the only thing that would make him feel better was to take a run; clear his mind.

He opens his eyes and winces from the sun seeping into the room. Taylor is still asleep, which he figures is a good thing. He really doesn't want to deal with people today, not even his own fiancé.

He scribbles down a note and leaves it on Taylor's bedside table before throwing on his sweatpants and an old t-shirt. He grabs keys and a water bottle and leaves.

After a little over an hour of running, Ryan decides to take a break. He wipes the sweat off of his forehead with his forearm. The closer he gets to the lifeguard station, the harder his heart pounded in his chest. He casts his gaze down to feet, concentrating on moving his wobbly legs. He grabs hold of the railing, running his hand over the smooth wood.

"You again..."

He freezes half way up the ramp. God she had a beautiful voice. He looks up, caught off guard by the wide, playful smile on her face. "Hey, sorry," he says softly. He isn't sure why he's apologizing. And he knows he should leave, but his feet won't move. Wonderful timing.

Marissa climbs to her feet and leans against the railing. "So I already introduced myself. Now it's your turn. Who are you?"

"Whoever you want me to be." The words are out of his mouth before he even realizes he's talking. She laughs, making him smile.

"Well in that case," she teases, "do you feel like being my own personal GPS? I have no idea where anything is around here."

"I can do better," he laughs, suddenly comfortable in her presence. "I can be your own person tour guide."

"Oh that is better," she agrees walking down the ramp to join his mysterious stranger. "So who are you really?"

Ryan smiles, following her down the ramp. He isn't sure what's really happening, or why. But it feels good. "Ryan. Ryan Atwood."


	4. Chapter 4: Flashbacks and Delusions

Flashbacks and Delusions

The next day Ryan couldn't wait to see Marissa. After showing her around the pier and the beach yesterday; memories flooding back to him, they agreed to meet for lunch the next day before they parted ways. When he got home he apologized to Taylor only to have her tell him not to. It wasn't his fault; she understood. But he knew she didn't- not really. He knows she tries, but she wasn't there. She wasn't close to Marissa by any means. She wasn't there to hear the news. She didn't hold Marissa, weak and fading in her arms. But she tried to understand and he loved her for that.

And he hopes she understands enough to understand why he wants to see her again.

He walks into the living room to find Taylor sitting on the couch, her left leg crossed over her right one, a book in her lap. Some French one he doesn't understand, nor was he going to try. "Morning," he says bending down to kiss the top of her head.

"Good morning," she smiles up at him. She closes her book when he returns her smile. "Someone's in a good mood," she teases.

"Yeah well...." he trails off sitting next to her.

"Do you have plans that I'm not aware of?" she asks, a hint of playful sarcasm in her voice.

"Kind of," he says softly, grabbing her hand and rubbing soft circles on her palm.

"Are you and Seth having a video game war?"

"No," he laughs.

"Summer?"

"No."

"Kaitlin?"

"Not quite..."

"Not quite?" she laughs, before becoming serious. "Marissa?"

"Yeah. Look after I took her to her car yesterday we made plans to go out for lunch," he informs her. "I was gonna tell you last night but..."

"You and Marissa?"

He nods, watching her intently. He knows she's a little bit upset.

"Okay that's, that's good," she says. She pushes herself off of the couch, causing Ryan to let go of her hand and makes her way to the bookshelf to put her book away.

Ryan knows she's not saying what she really wants to. "Taylor..."

She sighs and turns around to face him. "it's just, I thought you were gonna wait, let her adjust and remember on her own."

"Well yeah, but...she's alone Taylor. As far as she knows, she'd new here with no friends and no family." He gets up and walks into the foyer to get his boots. "Plus maybe me being with her will help her remember."

"Maybe," Taylor says absently. "Just be careful okay?"

"I'll be fine," he assures her. He gives her a quick peck on the lips. "I'll be home for dinner."

"'Kay," Taylor says watching him leave. She sighs and falls back onto the couch. She understands his need to see _her_ after thinking she was dead for four years. She knew that he missed her. But she also knows that even though he was hanging out with the 'new' Marissa, he was still looking for the 'old' Marissa. The one he fell in love with nearly seven years ago...

Ryan walks into the diner, his eyes scanning for that face. The beautiful, happy face that always brightened his day. He catches a glimpse of her blond, flowy hair sitting in 'their' booth and he smiles. He walks over quickly. "Hey."

Marissa looks up from her menu, a wide smile on her face "Hey! I thought you were gonna be a no show!"

"Never," he laughs, taking a seat across from her. "Did you order?"

"Nope," she says glancing once more at her menu. "Well I got a drink. But I've never eaten here before."

Ryan grins at the irony of her statement. "Can I make a suggestion?"

"Considering I'm getting nowhere fast with this," she says closing her menu, "be my guest."

"Cheese dogs and chilli fries."

She makes a face and stares at him. "Really?"

"You'll love it," he smiles. "Trust me."

"I seem to be doing a lot of that lately." She smiles.

"That was amazing," Marissa gushes, leaning back into her half of the booth. She pushes her empty plate away from her.

"Yeah?" he asks doing the same thing. "I told you."

"You did," she giggles.

He grins, pulling his wallet out of his back pocket. He pulls out 30 dollars and drops it on the table.

"I can pay half," she insists.

"Nah, I got it."

"Fine, but I get it next time," she says climbing out of the booth.

Ryan follows her lead and stuffs his wallet back into his pocket. He follows her outside the diner, walking slightly behind her. He watches her, her hair blowing back in the slight wind. The sweet scent of her strawberry shampoo filtering through his nose. God, he missed that smell. And those hands...

"Thanks for lunch," she says turning to face him. She smiles softly and his hear skips a beat.

"Yeah, no problem," he smiles, shoving his hands into his pockets before he risks grabbing her hand.

"So what are you gonna show me today?"

Ryan laughs at her enthusiasm. "You'll just have to wait and see."

As they walk down the pier. Ryan can't help but wonder why she's here. There were so many questions that he wanted to know the answers to. Questions that he isn't sure she even knows the answers to. But he has to try. "So...what made you move here?" he asks casually.

"Honestly? I dunno," she answers. He sees the confusion in her eyes and he wonders whether it's because he asked her, or because she doesn't know her own answer. "You're gonna think I'm crazy," she laughs nervously.

"Tell me," he tells her, reaching for her hand after all, not at all surprised when he feels the electricity course through his body. He still has that connection with her.

Marissa smiles and her hand shudders in his before he drops it. "About four years ago, I woke up in a hospital room with no idea where I was, how I got there, or why... I knew my name and age, but everything else was just...blank. I couldn't remember anything from my past." She stops and looks at him. They're almost at his car now. He's watching her intently, like he actually cares about what she's saying. She looks straight ahead again. "The nurse that was looking after me gave me a place to stay but I didn't want to impose, you know? And so I figured that I was 18, I should go to college and make my life. If I remembered, then I remembered...if not then..." she trails of, leaning her back against the car.

"What college?" he asks, swallowing a lump in his throat. She was supposed to go to Greece. And before that she was supposed to go to Berkley; with him.

"NYU," she smiles. "It's far, I know. But I stayed on campus. My roommate was kind of strange, but she was nice. Anyway when I graduated I started to look for places and I came across the one I'm in now and...I dunno I felt connected to this place. It was like something was pulling me here and I had to find it."

Ryan watches her, his hands shoved back in his pockets.

"I told you, crazy."

"No," he says stepping closer to her. "Not crazy. Stranger things have happened, trust me." She smiles at him and he smiles back. "So have you found it?"

"Not yet. But I will," she says, nodding confidently.

He takes a step back from her, smiling. He likes this Marissa. She's care-free, confident, laid back. But he still wants the old one back. The once who was only confident when others were confident in her too, the one who was flawed in so many ways, the one that trouble followed even when she ran from it. The one who remembered him. The one who knew him inside and out. The one who understood the looks and the fire and the connection. But for right now, he'll take anything he can get. He pulls open the passenger door for her. "C'mon, lets go," he says ushering her into the seat. He then jogs around to his side and climbs in.

"So where're we going?" She asks excited.

Ryan pulls into his and Taylor's driveway at the same time that Taylor climbs out of her own car. Just fifteen minutes earlier he dropped Marissa off at the pier to get her own car. Before doing so, he said he'd pick her up at her apartment building tomorrow around the same time.

He grins at his fiancé and climbs out of his own. "Hey," he greets her, leaning in for a kiss as he unlocks the door.

"Hey," she smiles.

"Where'd you go?" he steps to the side, letting her walk in first.

"I went over to Seth and Summers," she replies, kicking off her shoes.

"How is she?" he asks softly, following her into the kitchen.

"She's not really sure what she should do concerning Marissa," she replies. He nods and goes into the fridge for a water bottle. She looks at him. "How were things with Marissa?" she asks casually.

"Good, actually," he smiles, turning to face her. "She um...she told me what happened."

"Oh?"

He nods, continuing without being asked. "She woke up in some hospital....alone. She didn't know anything except her name and age...I can't even imagine what it was like," he whispers, looking down as he sits on his stool at the island counter.

Taylor walks up behind him and wraps her arms around his shoulders. She rests her chin on his shoulder. "It's not your fault Ryan," she says softly.

"I know. I know...." But it doesn't mean the guilt doesn't still follow him.

"So since tomorrow's Sunday, I was thinking we could-"

"Actually," he says, stopper her mid-sentence. "I told Marissa I'd pick her up again tomorrow," he says slowly, as if waiting for her reaction.

"You haven't finished your 'tour' yet?"

"Not really," he laughs.

"Well what are you doing?" the question comes out a little bit too forceful for her liking.

"Talking," he says simply, shrugging his shoulders. He gets up from his stool, leaving the bottle of water on the counter. He leans down and gives her a light kiss on the cheek. "I'm gonna take a shower," he says walking out of the kitchen.

Taylor frowns and leans against the counter. She's trying really, really hard not let his need to see his ex-girlfriend/love/lover, get to her; not to be jealous. But it's hard not to be jealous of Marissa Cooper.

The next morning Ryan wakes up with his arms wrapped around his naked fiancé. Part of him wanted to stay, but an even larger part of him wants nothing more than see Marissa.

Taylor knows this and yet she tries to bribe him into staying. And she knows he isn't going to, but it's worth the try...

Simply put, Ryan doesn't want to waste time. Marissa's 'death' had taught him many things; like how much alcohol he had to drink before couldn't feel anything, how much he had to drink before the image of her lifeless body would disappear, how much he had to drink before he could pass out all together. Two of which Marissa had down to an art form in high school. But more importantly he learned that life is fragile. Too fragile. Many people take advantage of life (and time) when they should be savouring it. He knows he can never make up for the last 4 years, but he can still try. Even if she doesn't remember him.

He waits outside of her big fancy building for 10 minutes before she comes waltzing out with a bright smile and those piercing blue eyes. He can't bring himself to look away as she climbs into the seat beside him clad in a skirt and a cute little tank top.

"Sorry," she apologizes, putting her purse between her feet on the floor while adjusting her skirt.

"It's okay, you're a girl," he teases.

"Hey!" She smacks him with the back of her hand playfully.

Less than 5 minutes into the car ride, Marissa turns to him. "So what about you?"

"What about me?" he asks, glancing at her out of the corner of his eye.

"Well I mean, you look very Newport, but you don' act like the other guys..." she trails off, tearing her eyes away from him she feels the colour rising in her cheeks and shifts uncomfortable in her seat.

Ryan smirks and stares at the road. "That's 'cause they're born and bred here."

"And you weren't?" she asks, her tone full of interest and intrigue; much like it had been the night he met her.

"Nah, I was born in Fresno; bred in Chino."

"So did your parents move here or..."

"No, but I did." He goes on to tell her about the car and his mom and AJ and the Cohen's. And it's just as easy to her now, as it was the last time. And she doesn't judge him.

"That's incredible," she says smiling. "They sound really nice?"

"They are, they're amazing," he grins.

She looks down, still smiling. There is something about this guy, something that told her he really wasn't a stranger at all.

He looks between her and the road twice, before stopping at a red light. "You wanna meet them?"

"You're family? I...I dunno..." she says nervously. It feels like she's about to meet her boyfriend's parents for the first time.

"C'mon," he insists turning back to her with a wide grin.

"I dunno," she hesitated. "What about your girlfriend?"

"We're friend right?" he pushes.

"I hope so," she laughs. "Otherwise I probably shouldn't be here."

"And friends meet their friends' parent right?" he asks receiving an unsure nod from Marissa. "They'll love you."

"I just can't believe that she's alive," Kirsten Cohen says sitting across from Taylor in the Cohen living room. "I mean I'm ecstatic, it's just...unreal."

Taylor smiles weakly and takes a sip of tea. After Ryan left this morning, she hopped into the shower and went to see Kirsten. She hadn't planned on talking about Marissa, but obviously they had. She should've known. And she's happy that Marissa's alive too, because contrary to popular belief, she really does like her. Their rivalry over social chair, the fact that Marissa was 'perfect' and Taylor wasn't, the fact that everybody life Marissa and not Taylor-that was all in the past. But she still can't help but wonder if their rivalry is over...

"How's Ryan?" Kirsten asks, pulling her out of her thoughts.

"He's good....he's happy that she's alive. Like really happy."

"Is he with her?"

"Right now? Yeah," Taylor nods. "And when he's not I know he wants to be."

"Taylor," Kirsten says, leaning forward to gain her attention. "Your relationship with Ryan, is _your_ relationship."

"Yeah but that doesn't change the fact that he never really got over her," she whispers, fumbling with her hands. There, she said it. She knows he still her, he always would and she had been okay with that because holding onto him was a lot easier when she was dead...

Ryan pulls into the Cohen driveway and out of the corner of his eye, he notices the change in her attitude. She's no longer nervous, she's confused. She turns around her seat to looks back at the end of the driveway. "You okay?"

She doesn't answer. Instead she rushes to get out of the car. Ryan grabs her forgotten purse and follows. She walks quickly down the driveway and stops at the mailboxes.

"Marissa!" He comes up behind her, but keeps his distance.

Marissa swallows the lump in her throat, staring at the house beside the Cohen's. Images of her a little girl and Julie and Jimmy flash into her mind. Images of her first grazed knee, her first lost tooth, and her and Summer and her and Luke and holly. Then her and Ryan. 'Who are you?' 'Whoever you want me to be.' Then Seth. Ryan and Julie fighting. Ryan and Luke fighting. Ryan and he fighting. Her first time with Luke; her first kiss with Ryan. Theresa. Lindsay. Dj. Alex. Trey and the shooting. Dean Hess kicking her out of the carnival-out of her own life; expelling Ryan. Johnny, Chili, Taylor and Volchok and Sadie. The accident.

It all comes rushing back so fast that her head feels like it's spinning, her vision is blurry. Her legs are weak and wobbly.

Ryan watches her and yells her name as she falls to the ground before he could catch her. She hits the ground before he can catch her. She hits her head on the mailbox on the way down. He falls to his knees next to her and he pulls her into his lap. "Marissa. Marissa!" she doesn't respond. He bites his lip to hold back tears and he picks her up. The blood seeping out of the gash on her forehead, soaking into his t-shirt. He doesn't know how he gets inside, but he does. "Kirsten call 911!"

"Oh my God!" Taylor screams, jumping up to help him and Kirsten grabs the phone frantically. "Oh my God..."

Ryan falls to his knees, holding Marissa in his arms _again_. Taylor watches, helplessly; her hands covering her mouth. "Marissa," he chokes out, stoking her cheek with his thumb. She's motionless. "Marissa c'mon, no." He rocks her back and forth. She's still warm, that being the only sign of life in her slim, perfect body. He's vaguely aware of Taylor and Kirsten watching him. But only vaguely. "C'mon 'Riss, don't do this." His voice is quiet and desperate; helpless, afraid.

Half an hour later Sandy, Seth, Summer, Kirsten, Julie, Kaitlin, Ryan and Taylor are all in the waiting at Newport Memorial. Ryan is too busy pacing back and forth to realize that the whole waiting is watching him.

"Ryan you should sit down," Taylor tells him softly.

"I can't," he mumbles. He wants to punch something, anything and he's sure that whoever's watching him can tell by the way he keeps opening and closing his fists.

The doctor walks in and everyone recognizes him so they stand up anxiously. Ryan stops pacing but doesn't move closer. He keeps his distance from the doctor he attacked 4 years ago. "She's fine," he informs them before they can ask.

A sigh of relief exits every ones lips and Ryan falls into a chair behind his family.

"She says she remembers. You can see her now." He goes to turn and leave but Julie stops him. "When can she leave?"

"Two days. I want to keep her here for observation."

"She's not gonna like that," Ryan mumbles.

About an hour later, Ryan is on the verge of falling asleep on Taylors shoulder when Julie walks in, following by Kaitlin. He sits up, barely noticing Seth, summer, Sandy and Kirsten walking in too. "She's asking for you."

Ryan nods and pushes himself out of the chair, pulling Taylor with him. He offers Julies a small smile and pulls Taylor out of the room.

"Are you sure I should go in with you?" she asks nervously as he rushes down the hall.

"Yeah, why not?" He pushes to door to her room open and they walk in. "Hey," he says softly. He lets go of Taylors hand and walks over to Marissa.

"Hey," she smiles and he touches the bandage on her forehead. "Hey Taylor."

"Hay Marissa," Taylor says awkwardly s Ryan sits next to the bed, his eyes never leaving Marissa. "I'm gonna go wait outside. I'm glad you're okay Marissa."

"Thanks."

"Thanks Taylor," Ryan says leaning forward, his elbows on his knees. He looks at his fiancé as she walks out of the room before looking back at Marissa. "How are you feeling?"

"I hate hospitals..."

"I know," he laughs. "But you'll be out in no time. And... You're not alone this time."

She nods and plays with the hem of her blanket. "Why didn't you tell me you knew?"

"I didn't want to rush it..."

"After four years of not remember anything, I really don't care," she says honestly, receiving a smile from Ryan. "I'm sorry Ry, about everything."

He's taken aback slightly at the ways she says his name. _Ry_. Only three people called him that: his mom, his brother, and Marissa. He smiles. "Hey," he says shaking his head and reaching for her hand, relieved by its warmth. "It's not your fault. Or mine, okay?"

She nods. "I'm glad to be back."

"Me too," he whispers.


	5. Chapter 5 The Truth

_I just want to thank everyone for the reviews. It's awesome and I'm glad you like it :)__!  
_

The Truth

It's been two days since she remembered her old life. Two days of lying in a hospital with nothing to do. And she can't wait to get out of here.

Don't get her wrong, she loves spending time with her family and friends: the most important people in her life, it's just the atmosphere leaves much to be desired. They came both days. They talked about life and what Marissa has been up to and about what happened after the accident. Julie promises to a better mother this time around; Marissa says she was a great mom. Kaitlin apologizes for all the trouble she caused; Marissa says she loves her anyway. Summer says that they would always be best friends, no matter what; Marissa says Summer was the BEST friend she's ever had. Sandy, Kirsten and Seth say they can't be happier that she's alive. Ryan says all he's ever wanted was for her to be okay. Taylor never says much. And one thing that all of them mentioned-except for Ryan of course- was that he took her 'death' the hardest. But they never went into detail. She knows she has to talk to Ryan about it; he knows too. But neither of them wants to bring it up.

Marissa pulls her shirt on over her head just before the door opens and Ryan walks in with a wide grin on his face.

"Hey," he greets her happily. He closes the door behind him and pauses for a moment to take in her beauty.

"Hey," she says softly. She smiles, zipping up her bag before turning to face him.

"Ready?"

"Yep. Is everything set at the front desk?" she wonders as he grabs her things. She lifts her hand up to check her bandage covering the gash on her forehead.

"Yeah it's good-and don't play with that!" he snaps playfully, grabbing her hand away from it.

"Ahhhh, sorry!" she laughs and he leads her out of the room and down the hall. "You know," she says pushing her hands into her pockets, "You didn't have to do this. My mom could've come..."

"I know, but I wanted to," he says truthfully. He'd even booked the afternoon off to be here today.

Between fifteen and twenty minutes later, Ryan and Marissa are at her building. Marissa insisted that she was fine now, but Ryan refused to let her go up alone. "Besides, someone has to carry your bags," he'd laughed. They step out of the elevator and she leads him down the hall. "So thanks for...well everything," she whispers,

"Like I said, I wanted to." He smiles. He looks around the hall; everything about it says 'Newport'. She stops suddenly and he almost walks into her as she unlocks the door.

"Do you want a drink?" she asks pushing her door open. "I have, like, water and juice?"

"Waters good," he says following her into the apartment. One word comes to mind as he looks around at the elegant apartment: mini mansion. The only thing is tat it's virtually empty except for a couch, a coffee table and some boxes. "This is your apartment?"

"Yep, kinda sad huh?"

"I lived in a pool house for four years."

Marissa laughs and walks into the kitchen.

'Speaking of pool house,' Ryan thinks as he looks around. It kinda reminds him of the pool house. The far wall is made of all glass panels, the kitchen is all stainless steel, with marble countertops.

"I have a bunch of stuff in storage," she calls out to him as he takes his own tours. She pours them both a glass of water. "So when the time's right, I'm gonna, you know, spruce it up." She turns and walks into the would-be-living room.

"Uh," Ryan pauses, joining her in the room, "There's no bed."

"No, but there's a couch!" she says enthusiastically. She hands him his glass. "It's not as comfortable as a bed, but I can make due."

"You know I could help? I've been known to be good at heavy lifting," he offers, smiling softly.

"Be careful, I might just take you up on that," she laughs.

"Is that bad?" he asks, titling his head to the side. He knows he's 'technically' flirting, but it's hard not to. He wants to help, to spend time with her. She smiles and he takes a sip of his water.

"When can I take this off?" she asks, touching the bandage on her forehead again. "It itches," she pouts.

"Here," he says softly, stepping towards her. He gives her his glass and pulls the bandage off of her forehead slowly and carefully. "Does it hurt?"

"Kinda," she whispers.

"Well it's healing nicely," he says. He strokes the cut on her forehead softly with his thumb. He can feel her breath on his throat and it makes his heart beat so fast that he's sure she can hear it. So he steps away from her, letting his hand fall to his side reluctantly.

"Um here." She hands him back his glass. He takes it and takes a long sip. "So my mom's taking me out for dinner. The Yacht Club."

"Yeah she told me. She sounds excited."

"Me too," she smiles.

"Good."

She nods and takes another sip of her water; she swallows slowly, swallowing the nervous lump in her throat at the same time. "So you probably have a lot to do today right? I mean with work..."

"No really, Sandy said that I can have the day off," he tells her. "The Newport Group will be fine without me for one day."

"Oh I dunno," she teases him.

He grins. "But you're right, I should go. He groceries aren't gonna buy themselves," he says walking past her to put his glass in the sink.

"'kay," she says, putting her own glass on the coffee table. "Say hi to Taylor for me." She follows him to the door and holds it open.

"I will," he says. He pauses in the doorway, his hand resting on the frame. "Call me, okay?"

"I will...and thanks," she whispers. Before she realizes what she's doing, she leans in and kisses him softly on the cheek before pulling away.

Ryan nods and offers her a small smile before turning and walking away. His eyes flutter rapidly in confusion as he makes his way to the elevator, fighting the turn around. He knew his love for her would never go away, but he didn't realize that it'd still be this strong.

Meanwhile Marissa closes the door and leans against it. She lets out a breath she didn't even know she'd been holding. She lets her head fall into the door with a thud. "Ow," she whisper, but doesn't move.

She was still in love with Ryan....

* * *

Taylor pushes the front door open and walks in. After a long day at work, all she wants to do is sit back and watch TV with her fiancé. If he isn't still playing hero with Marissa. "Ryan?" she calls out, putting her purse down on the table by the front door.

"Kitchen," he calls back.

Taylor walks into the kitchen. "Hey."

"Hey you," he says kissing her on the cheek. He walks around her to put the last of the groceries away. "I did groceries."

"I see that," she laughs. "So is Marissa settled in okay?"

"She's in, but not settled," he laughs to himself. He closes the fridge. "Most of her things in storage. Oh and I offered to help her move in. I dunno when but she doesn't even have a bed so...soon hopefully.

"Oh? That's great!" she says pouring herself a glass of water, keeping her back to him to hide her frown. She isn't sure what to be more upset about; the fact that Ryan wants to spend all of his time with Marissa, or that he's been in her bedroom.

Ryan looks at Taylor and lowers himself into 'his' stool. He can tell something is wrong. "Taylor."

"Hmmm?"

She doesn't turn to face him and he sighs, standing up again. He walks up behind her. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah sure."

"Taylor look at me."

She turns around and he stares at her. She sighs. "You're spending a lot of time together."

"Okay look," he says wrapping his arms around her. "Everything fine okay? And I know I haven't been around much lately but....she's alive. After four years thinking she was dead and wanting to take it all back, Marissa's alive. I missed her, that's all," he says softly.

"Would you take me back?"

"No, of course not."

She smiles and leans up to kiss him. "Good," she murmers into his lips.

* * *

Marissa walks into the Yacht Club, wearing a pair of jeans and a cute fancy top. Her hair is pulled into a casual pony tail. Her flats make soft sounds on the carpet as she walks towards her mother's table by the window. "Hey mom," she says softly, leaning down the hug her,

"Hey sweetie," Julie says. "I ordered you a diet soda, is that okay?"

"Thanks," the young blond says sitting in the chair across from her mother, setting her purse on the table. "I can't believe it's been this long since I ate here..."

"I know what you mean," Julie smiles. She watches her daughter flip through the menu. It feels so good to have her back. "So you got home okay?"

"Yeah," Marissa smiles. "Ryan brought me home so..."

"How is that going anyway?" the red-head asks.

"What?" Marissa asks, looking at her confused.

"Things with Ryan..."

"We're friends." Marissa looks down, avoiding her mother's gaze, hoping that she'll drop the subject.

"That's it?" Julies tone is questioning, unconvinced.

"What else would we be?" The blond raises her gaze to meet her mothers, who looks at her expectantly. "He's got Taylor now mom..."

"Do you still love him?"

"I'll always love him. But that doesn't matter because he's got Taylor," she says again.

"And I love Taylor," Julie says nodding her head honestly. "She's sweet, and caring-and a little weird sometimes I'll admit-but...Ryan really missed you."

"I know," Marissa whispers, looking down again. That's the problem. She has to talk to him. Tomorrow.

* * *

She's nervous. Although scared to death, she knows is probably more accurate. Her hands are shaking slightly and her stomach is turning and twisting like crazy. Summer reassured her earlier that it's okay and convinced her to go with her and Seth over to Ryan's. Ryan's place with Taylor. She's pretty sure it's a bad idea, but she also knows that if she said no that Summer will get suspicious. She's also pretty sure that Taylor doesn't like her, although Summer insisted she was worried for nothing.

So here she is, waiting with Seth and Summer outside of the future 'Atwood' house. She can't help but wonder if they're too 'busy' to get the door-before shaking the visual of a sweaty Ryan and Taylor from her mind.

The door opens to reveal a fully clothed Taylor. Marissa inspects her clothes briefly, pleased when she finds no ruffles or undone buttons.

"Coop, you coming?" Summer ask, holding the door open for her.

"Yeah, sorry," Marissa smiles walking into the house. Looking around the house as she follows Summer through the living room, she feels a strong sense of not belonging. Before she can turn and run out of the house, she finds herself standing in the doorway of Ryan's (and Taylor's) kitchen. "Hey," she whispers softly.

Taylor offers her a bottle of water and she takes it.

"Ry, can I talk to you?" Marissa asks quietly.

"Yeah, of course." He stands up and leads her outside to the backyard, leaving Seth and Summer and Taylor to bicker about take-out. Ryan motions for her sit down on the lounge chair, his hands in his pockets, nervous. He knows what's coming. "Is everything okay?"

"I just wanted to talk about the accident...and what happened..."

"Okay..." he says, his tone hesitant. She won't look at him and it makes him even more uneasy. He sits next to her and reaches for her shaky hand. He holds her hand in his; support for her, and for him. "I thought you were dead..." he breaths out when it was clear she doesn't want to say anything. She looks at him and he continues with a shaky, apprehensive breath. "On the side of the road I...I thought you were dead. Gone..."

She puts her free hand on top of his. "I um...it's kind of a blur. I remember you holding me and...I think-I guess I passed out and when I woke up you were just lying there." She pauses before continuing, her words rushed. "So I panicked and I ran to get help and the next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital." He squeezes her hand reassuringly. "I know I should've stayed, but I was scared."

Ryan looks down, still clutching her hand tightly in his. He refuses to let go any time soon. It's warm and comforting and familiar and...electrical.

"Say something," she whispers.

He glances at her quickly before looking down at their hands. "When I woke up they said you were gone. That there was no body. And I kept telling them that I got you but they said I imagined it...they didn't believe me." He smiles sadly. "And then eventually, I guess I stopped believing in myself."

"I'm so sorry," she chokes out. She throws her arms around him neck and buries her face into his chest. "I'm sorry."

Ryan holds onto her and buries his own face into her neck. "You're here now," he whispers.

Taylor glances behind her shoulder in time to see her fiancé and 'ex-love' bury themselves in each other. This is another one of those times when she tries really really hard not to be jealous.

"Taylor!" Summer yells gaining her attention back. "Are you okay?"

"Of course," Taylor says, flashing her a fake smile.

"Good, because I know that we haven't hung out in a while and that I'm always with Coop."

Taylor looks down.

"And before you start to worry-because you always do," Summer laughs, "You and Marissa will always be my best friends. Marissa is my longest and was there with me through everything. And you, Taylor, are my newest and you helped me through the hardest thing I've ever had to face. And I love you for that."

Taylor smiles genuinely and hugs her. She's glad that this-her friendship with Summer- is the one thing she doesn't have to fight for. It's the one thing that Marissa can't touch; the one thing Marissa can't take from her.

* * *

_This chapter was kinda short, I know. My apologies .I'll try and post the next one within a day or so._

_Thanks! RR._


	6. Chap 6 If the Connection is Still There

_Again, I'd like to thank everyone for the reviews! And apologize for the wait__. Enjoyyy!_

If The Connection is Still There

After leaving Ryan's (and Taylor's-she still doesn't like calling it Ryan's AND Taylor's) Marissa went home, called Kaitlin and asked to meet up for lunch the next day at the mall. She had to know what Ryan had gone through. It was hard enough for him to talk about the accident; she couldn't make him relive that pain. And Kaitlin, she knows, wouldn't hold back. She'd tell her everything.

And she did. After a whole morning of shopping, the sisters sat in the food court at South Coast Plaza for the remainder of the afternoon. And Kaitlin proceeded to tell her everything. The way he insisted time and time again-refusing to listen to saying he imagined everything-that she got out. The way he almost got himself arrested for attacking the doctor. The funeral and how he didn't go. The bar, the fighting and drinking, Volchok (that was the only thing she didn't go into detail about, because nobody knows what really happened). And then how Taylor helped him...all of them.

And suddenly Marissa realized that even though she wanted to dislike Taylor again, she can't. Taylor loved Ryan. She saved Ryan; she saved everybody. How can you hate someone for that?

Ryan and Taylor. (The name being used in the same sentence still makes her sick to her stomach). But it's more bearable now.

That evening, when she got home she ignored Ryan's calls and texts asking if she was okay. Staying away is the best thing right now. However she did call him before she went to bed, to inform him that she was in fact okay.

The next morning is when Marissa decides to move the rest of her things in. She rents a small moving trucks, moves her stuff from the storage building into the truck and then drives the truck (yes, herself) to her apartment building.

She steps out of the elevator, her arms full of boxes and bags, her phone somehow between her shoulder and her ear.

"Are you sure you don't want help?"

Marissa rolls her eyes while still smiling. Her mother insists on helping her, not matter how many times she says no. "I'm sure mom."

"Because Kaitlin and I can come over and help."

"Thanks but I'll be fine. It's not like I haven't moved before." Marissa says the second part quietly.

"Right, well if you need anything just call."

"I will, but listen I have to go..." Marissa struggles with her boxes.

"Yeah of course! Bye honey."

"Bye mom." She lifts her head and lets her phone fall into the top box. Stopping outside of her door, she puts the boxes and bags down on the floor and digs in her purse for her keys. "Shit," she whispers, when she can't find them. "Dammit!"

She reaches into the box with her phone in it and fiddles with the small device. She doesn't want to call her mom or the front desk, which means there's only one other person she can call. The same person she knows wants to help her. The same person she doesn't want to help her because she doesn't want him.....she tells herself.

* * *

Ryan and Taylor walk into the diner hand in hand. They pick a table in the far corner and wait for Seth and Summer to arrive for lunch.

Summer called ten minutes earlier wanting to meet. Ryan briefly wonders about Marissa and she'd be there, before telling himself it doesn't matter. If she wants to talk, she'll call....but still he wonders why she never calls anymore.

Taylor squeezes his hand, pulling him out his thoughts. "I for one, am excited for our night in."

"Yeah?" he grins.

"Of course! Aren't you?"

"Yeah, no, of course," he says kissing her softly.

"I mean we haven't had time to ourselves in forever," Taylor says patting his hand.

"Yeah," Ryan says softly.

"Hey guys!" Summer yells excitedly, sliding into the booth along with Seth. Ryan, for one, is glad he got interrupted.

Noticing that Marissa isn't with them, Ryan begins to wonder where she is; what she's doing.

"So have you guys ordered?" Seth asks.

"No, not yet," Taylor answers. "We felt like being polite."

"Or you just don't know what you want yet," Summer laughs.

"So, have you guys seen Marissa lately?" Ryan asks, unintentionally changing the subject. He really wants to know.

Taylor looks at him and then down at her hand that is still hold Ryan's. She pulls her hand away and rests it in her lap; he doesn't even seem to notice. How does Marissa always find her way into their conversations?

"We went to the mall the other night," Summer replies. "I forgot how much I like her shopping sense." She laughs and Ryan smiles.

"What's gonna happened to Volchok?" Seth wonders suddenly.

Ryan's demeanour changes darkly at the sound of his name and he hopes that his friends don't notice. Although he's sure they do. "Sandy said the charges will be dropped, like an acquittal."

"Do you think he'll go after her?" Summer's voice is quiet and hesitant. She isn't sure she wants an answer.

"He won't."

"How do you know?"

"Because he was in love her. He still is," Ryan answers. It freaks him out that he and Volchok have so much in common. So much so that Ryan knew him...better than he wants to.

His phone starts to ring in his pocket and for the second time, he's glad he's interrupted. "Yeah," he answers it, while Seth, Summer and Taylor talk amongst themselves.

"Hello to you too," Marissa says on the other end, a hint of teasing in her voice.

Ryan pauses for a minute to take in the beauty of her voice. "Marissa, hey," he says finally, gaining the attention from his fiancé and friends. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, um..." he voice hesitates and he can tell that she's debating on what to say-if anything. She sighs. "No. I locked myself out of my apartment so-"

"You figured who better to call?" Ryan laughs.

"No offense, but yes." She giggles.

Ryan laughs again, ignoring the curious faces around him.

"I'm sorry, if you're busy I can-"

"No, it's okay. I'll be right there." He listens to her say bye and hang up, before hanging up himself.

"Is everything okay?" Taylor and Summer ask together.

"Yeah, she just locked herself out of her apartment." He puts his phone back into his pocket and moves to get out of the booth.

"And she called you because of your history of breaking into cars and houses?" Seth asks sarcastically.

"Exactly," Ryan says, climbing out the booth. He kisses Taylor quickly, anxious to get over to Marissa's.

"How long will you be?" Taylor asks casually, hiding the fact that it hurt for her fiancé to go running off to Marissa.

"Not long. I'll be home in time for movies and pop corn," he promises. "See you guys later." He taps the table with his fist and leaves the diner.

* * *

Ryan steps out of the elevator and makes his way down the hallway. He looks down towards Marissa's door to see her sitting on the floor, her long tanned legs stretched out in front of her. He stops mid-step and leans against the wall, taking in her presence. Her long blond hair that she keeps braiding and unbraiding, her pink tank top, her long beautifully tanned legs. He can't tell whether she's wearing a skirt or shorts because of the boxes surrounding her. A smile spreads across his face and he rubs the back of his neck as he continues to walk towards her. "Hey," he calls out to her.

Marissa looks up in the direction of the familiar voice and smiles. "Hey, thank God!" she squeals, climbing to her feet, smoothening out her jean shorts.

"How the hell did you manage to lock yourself out?" he laughs, pulling a card out of his wallet. He walks by her and starts to fiddle with the door latch.

"I guess I was in such a rush to get my things out of storage that I forgot." She bends down to pick up a box and Ryan pushes the door open. She laughs. "I will never understand that."

Ryan grins, picking up a couple of boxes and following her into the apartment. "I have the magic touch."

"Yes, you do," she laughs. She puts her box down in the corner of the room.

Ryan follows the lead and puts the boxes down carefully. "So where's the rest of your stuff?"

"Downstairs in the truck."

"Lead the way."

"Are you sure?" she asks hesitantly.

"Yeah," he smiles. "I have a couple of hours until I have to go home so..."

"Hot date?" she asks, making sure to put enough playfulness to hide how she actually feels.

He nods, looking down at the floor. As much as he misses time with Taylor, he doesn't want Marissa to know...because he misses her too, more than anything.

"Well that's good," she says softly, nodding. "I'm glad."

"Thanks," he whispers. "Now where's that truck?"

She giggles and grabs her keys off of the kitchen counter, leading him out of the apartment.

"I'll keep my card handy, just in case," he teases.

"Shut up!" she laughs.

* * *

After getting out of the shower the next morning, Ryan gets changed in the bathroom: an old pair of jeans, his signature boots and wife beater, and a button down shirt. He doesn't want to wake up Taylor-even though he knew he should considering he hasn't told her his plans to help Marissa, last night. Like he should have.

He walks out of the bathroom, his keys already in his hands.

"Where are you going?"

Ryan looks up to see Taylor staring at him. He smiles. "You're up." He stands in the doorway.

"Yep."

"So I promised Marissa I'd help her settle in today," he says, avoiding her gaze.

"Oh," she says softly. "Good." Her tone is monotonous, hesitant. She knew this was coming. "Do you know how long it'll take?"

He looks up at her. "I dunno. Knowing Marissa though, it could take all day." He laughs a little, stopping when Taylor just sits, staring at him. He clears his throat. "I'll let you know how it goes."

"Okay."

He walks over and kisses her on the forehead. "Bye," he says, heading out the door.

Ryan walks through Marissa's open door to find the living room exactly how he left it-scattered with boxes. Marissa's sitting on the floor, going through a box. "It's like a maze in here," he muses, walking up behind her, through the boxes.

"Thanks," she says sarcastically. "Look what I found," she says pulling him down on the floor next o her. It's a picture of the two of them at the kick off carnival where their infamous first kiss took place.

Ryan stares at the picture in her hands over her shoulder, his hand placed on the floor behind her back. He loves that picture.

"I found it," she says pulling home out of his thoughts. "I went to my mom's last night and picked up a few things. Did you know that my room is exactly the same?" She looks at him.

"Yeah," he nods. He used to go into her room; to feel close to her, to think...to just sit there in silence. But he won't tell her that.

She smiles, putting the picture back in the box until it came time to unpack it. "So we should get started," she says jumping to her feet.

"Yeah, where should we start?" he asks, doing the same thing.

"Kitchen," she grins. "Because as much as I love chili fries, I can't live off of them forever."

A few hours later-what felt like it anyway, but was actually the whole afternoon- and part of the evening, Ryan and Marissa are almost done. They both seem to be working slower now, as if prolonging their time together. It's well past dinner by the time Taylor calls wondering where Ryan is. Ryan has gone outside to talk while Marissa continues to unpack her bathroom stuff. She's cross-legged on the floor, putting things in the cupboard under the sink. She keeps telling herself over and over again that he isn't hers anymore. She closes the cupboard doors and pulls herself to her feet using the counter. She catches a glimpse of Ryan in the doorway, through the mirror. "Taylor?" she asks, turning o face him, her hip against the counter.

"Yeah," he whispers looking down. He looks back up, their gazes meeting. Her eyes are sad, regretful and all he wants to do is hold her. And he wonders briefly if this could be considered emotionally cheating.

"Do you have to go?" she asks, her voice low.

"Nah, I said I'd finish up and be home when I'm done," he says casually. He pushes himself off of the doorframe and pulls his hammer out of his back pocket. "I mean I gotta finish the bed right? You can't sleep on the couch forever." He cocks his head to the side. "Right?" He smiles.

"Right," she smiles back.

Ryan flashes her a grin and disappears down the hall to her bedroom.

A little while later Marissa stops in the doorway of her bedroom, Sharebear in her arms-another thing she got from her mothers. She still has no idea how she survived so long without her. And as she watches Ryan finish assembling her bed, she wonders how she survived without him. And she wonders if she never decided to move her, and if she never remembered her past, where she'd be right now. Then she decides she doesn't want to think about it. Because she's here now. And Ryan's here. And even though he's engaged to Taylor Townsend, she feels like everything is okay. Her life is okay.

Ryan can feel her eyes on his as if he's facing her. And he pretends to keep working; enjoying the feeling. He missed it. Had it been anyone else, he would've turned around a long time ago, casually ruining the moment. But this is a moment he doesn't want to ruin; this is a moment he wants to keep. However, feeling the need to look at her, he stands up and faces her; amused as she scrambles away from the doorframe. "All done," he says putting his hammer on top of his toolbox.

She grins. "So I can bounce on it all I want and it won't fall apart?"

"See for yourself," he smirks, stepping away from the bed. And now it's his turn to watch her as she hops onto the bed, throwing Sharebear at him. If only she knew how many times he and Sharebear had shared the silence in her room. He watches in amusement; affection, as she jumps up and down on the mattress, looking very much like a child, and yet still managing to look sexy as hell. Only Marissa could ever do such a thing.

God, he had missed her. He missed everything about her. The good times, the bad times, the silly times. The fights, their private and public make out sessions. He missed her contagious laugh, her sweet and innocent giggle, her beautiful blue eyes and the different moods only he could see in them. He missed the way her nose scrunched when she was confused, the smile that brightened up his day even if he was mad at her, the way she pouted-knowing he couldn't resist it. He missed the way her lips felt on his, the way her mouth tasted, the way her back arched when he kissed her in certain spots, the way her body fit into his like she was made just for him...the way he knew every single part of her.

He doesn't even know she's off the bed until she'd in front of him, patting his shoulder playfully. "Good job!"

He grins and places Sharebear on her bed, resting on the two pillows. He turns to her again and she shivers, rubbing her arms up and down in an attempt to make the goose bumps go away. "Cold?"

"Always," she teases and he smiles.

He walks around her and pulls a small blanket off of a chair in the corner of the room. He puts it around her shoulders before rubbing her arms up and down to warm her. Their eyes lock and it feels like their first 'unofficial' date. Only they aren't in the pool house and they aren't wet and they definitely aren't 15 anymore. He stops rubbing her arms and instead lets his hands bunch the blanket, pulling it tightly around her, pulling her closer to him as well.

"I have my own wife beaters this time," she whispers playfully, tugging on the bottom of her orange one.

He laughs, resting his forehead on her. His heartbeat is increasing rapidly and his breathe is getting shallow and raspy and somewhat nervous. He needs to tell her the truth. He needs to say it out loud-to her. "You know...I never really got over you," he whispers softly.

She bits her lip nervously, staring at him. Her hands continue to play with her shirt absently.

Ryan swallows the lump in his throat. He wants to kiss her, so bad. He wants to be the one biting her lip. But he refrains. "I got used to you not being here, but I never got over it. Ever..."

She takes a deep, nervous breath. "Kaitlin told me what it did to you...I made her tell me so don't get mad okay?" He nods and tears sting the back of her eyes. "I'm sorry Ry...if I could take it back I would."

"Shhh, it's okay," he coos softly. He raises his hands and cups her face wiping away the tears that had just fallen.

She shakes her head, clutching the blanket around her for comfort. "I should've stayed...Ry-"

"Look at me 'Riss." She does as she's told and he smiles reassuringly. "It's okay now," he tells her. "Everything's okay now."

She nods and more tears fall down her cheeks as she looks down, away from. She wipes her cheeks and Ryan tilts her face up to him. Her eyes connect with his and her legs go weak.

Ryan wraps his left arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him; pleased to know that his arm still fits there. His other hand runs through her hair and settles at the base of her neck. He presses his forehead into hers and he can feel her shiver under his touch. His lips press into hers softly, perfectly and she opens her mouth to him and their tongues collide. Even their tongues fit perfectly. She tasted like strawberry lip balm. The kiss is...epic. It's hard and passionate and desperate and needy. On Ryan's part, he kisses her with so much love and passion that he thinks he might explode. It hold all of his pent up feelings from the four years, for her. It's a feeling he's needed and wanted and craved since the accident. He doesn't want it to end. On Marissa's part, it's with everything she has. It holds feelings she never thought she'd feel again, feelings she'd forgotten, feelings she didn't know she could feel. She groans when he pulls away, keeping her eyes shut, savouring the moment.

Ryan looks at her. He runs his thumbs over her lips and strokes her eye lashes carefully, smiling when her eyes flutter open. He stares at her, searching her eyes for the answer to the question her knows he doesn't even have to ask.

She nods confidently, answering him silently. She lets go of the blanket around her and wraps her arms around his neck. She presses her body against his and he presses his lips into hers again. She moans and he pushes the blanket off of her shoulder and she pulls him toward the bed. He lifts her into his arms and she giggles into his lips, wrapping her legs around his torso. He smiles against hers and drops her playfully on the bed. Her head falls onto Sharebear, connecting straight on with the bear's nose, making a soft 'clunk' noise. Ryan bursts into laughter and pulls it out from under her head. He holds himself on top of her with one hand, while using the other one to wave the purple bear in her face, playfully. She giggles and grabs Sharebear from him.

"Don't hurt her," he teases. He leans down, nuzzling her neck with his face, kissing and nipping at her smooth skin. "She can always watch."

"No, hey!" she squeals, swatting him on the chest. "That's creepy!"

Ryan grins and travels his lips across her collar bone before pulling away. "Jokes," he says taking the bear from her and putting it on the floor. "There," he says kissing her nose. "All done."

She makes a satisfied 'hmmm' sound and runs her fingers through his hair affectionately.

He presses his forehead into hers and plays with her hair. "Are you sure you wanna do this?"

"Are you?" she asks, hesitantly; afraid of the answer. Her voice is quiet and unsure. She wants this more than anything...but Ryan...

"More than anything," he says quickly and she grins widely.

And just like that, they begin to lose themselves in each other. They rid each other of their clothes, slowly and torturously. Savouring every moment. And he's relieved to know that he still knows every part of her. Everything that makes her reacts to him. It's like the first time all over again. They're re-acquainting themselves with each other. They were remembering _their_ past but forgetting _the_ past. Their situations don't matter; their lives right now don't matter. All that matters is each other.


	7. Chapter 7 What Was Old is New Again

_Hey guys I just want to thank everyone for their reviews!! This chapter has the different views and reactions of different characters with the RyanMarissa situation. Hope you like it!  
_

* * *

What Was Old is New Again

Ryan's eyes flutter open the next morning to a mess of strawberry scented hair. His arms are wrapped tightly around Marissa's waist, holding her war; naked body tight against him. His face is buried into the back of her neck, surrounded by her messy hair. The memories of the previous night was over him and he grins into her soft, porcelain-like skin. He made love last night-to Marissa Cooper. And he knows he should regret it, because of Taylor, but he...he can't. He's never regretted anything he's done with her-wished he'd done things differently of course-but never regretted anything (save for the accident). And he won't start now, not after last night, not after having her back. Not while having her safe and alive again in his arms.

Last night Ryan Atwood realized that nothing compares to Marissa. Nothing could ever do to him what she does. Nobody could ever make him feel what she does. She's Marissa Cooper. And he's Ryan Atwood.

Taylor is different. He loves her, but in a different way. And he knows that last night shouldn't have happened, he knows-if anything he should've left after and gone home to Taylor. But he couldn't bring himself to leave Marissa...

He isn't sure what would come of this-if anything...he isn't sure what's going to happen when Marissa wakes up, or when he gets home. He isn't even sure what he wants to happen. But one thing he is sure of-beyond a shadow of a doubt- is that he would hold onto this moment for as long as he can. He'll hold onto her. Everything else he'll deal with after.

He closes his eyes, happy to have her in his arms again. There would always be a place for her there-she belonged there. Always.

* * *

Taylor wakes up to find half of her bed empty. Confused, she gets up, slipping her slippers onto her feet and walks towards the bathroom. She peaks inside, but there's no sign of her fiancé. So she walks out into the hallway and down the stairs. "Ryan?" She calls his name, but receives no answer. She tells herself not to panic as she makes her way to the front window. Ryan's car isn't in the driveway.

She sits on the couch in the living room and refuses to believe that he hadn't come home last night-even if she can't remember whether he did or not. Surely he wasn't still with Marissa, right? Surely he did come home last night, she'd just...fallen asleep early. Right? Yeah, of course.

But still, a little voice in the back of her head tells her he hadn't. She looks at the clock on the wall. It's 8:30, on a Sunday morning. Where is he? She shakes her head free of the thoughts flowing through her mind, telling her that he fiancé is with another woman. THE other woman.

She practically jumps towards the phone, blindly dialling Seth's cell phone.

"Hello?" Seth's voice is rather groggy and tired.

"Seth! You're awake, good-"

"Actually Taylor-"

"I need to talk to you," she says quickly, jumping to her feet. She starts pacing nervously. "Ryan's gone-well not gone, but he'd not here. And I don't think he came home last night and-"

"Whoa, Taylor. Slowly."

"Seth, Ryan's not here."

"Where is he?"

"I don't know! That's why I called you," she tells him. "He didn't come home last night and the last place I remember him being was at Marissa's and-"

Seth's eyes widen and he sits up, careful not to wake Summer. "No, um, Taylor," he rambles. "He's...he's at work."

"Work? It's Sunday Seth..."

"Yeah," Seth says softly, searching his mind for an excuse. "He said something about paper work at the office," he lies. In truth he has no idea where Ryan is, but the last thing he needs is Taylor panicking over Marissa.

"Oh," she breathes, relieved. "Okay. I'll call the office and-"

"Why don't you wait?" he suggests quickly. "I mean he's probably really busy."

"Yeah, okay. Thanks Seth," she says hanging up quickly, her spirits lifted. As long as Ryan isn't with Marissa (still), it doesn't matter where he is.

Seth hangs up his phone and lies back down. Summer curls into him. "Everything okay?" she asks groggily.

"Yeah, fine. Go back to bed," he whispers.

"'Kay," she whispers back.

Seth closes his eyes. Ryan has some explaining to do, in the morning-later in the morning.

* * *

Ryan wakes again a couple hours later. Alone, this time. Panic rips through him and he bolts upright. It disappears t the sight of her slender frame leaning against the wall next to the window, he back to him. She clutches the white sheets to her chest. Her hair is pulled sloppily into a bun at the back of her head. The blankets are starting to fall down to the small of her back, leaving little to be desired. He licks his lips, amused and slightly turned on. She turns slightly, leaning her back against the wall and he realizes that it's not the blankets she's holding, it's Sharebear. He smiles. "Hey," he says softly.

Marissa turns to face him, a shy smile forming on her lips. "Hey."

He lies back into the pillows, pulling his own sheets up halfway up his chest, staring at her. "Hey..." he repeats. She giggles and he continues to watch her. She shifts from foot to foot, nervously. She scratches the back of her head at the base of her neck. He hair looks like a halo around her face. Messy, but perfect.

"What?" she asks curiously. It amazes her that he still-after being with him for almost3 years, after making love to him-made her shy and nervous just by looking at her.

"Nothing," he laughs.

"You're making me self conscious," she says shyly. She bits her bottom lip, knowing that it drives him crazy.

He shakes his head. "You have absolutely no reason for that, com 'ere," he says beckoning for her to join him in bed.

She does as she's told and shuffles over to him. She hands him Sharebear and climbs onto the bed, her sheets still wrapped around her. He lifts his arm and she curls into his side wrapping her arms around his waist. His arm wraps around her, stroking the small of her back, Sharebear clutched in his other hand.

"Unless, you count being too beautiful, 'cause then you definitely have a reason," he says and she giggles. He tilts her face up, her eyes meeting him. "You're beautiful...and sexy and amazing. Don't ever forget that okay?"

She nods and rests her chin on his chest. She stares at him and he looks at her curiously. She takes a deep breath, not sure she's ready for the answer to the question burning her mind. "Do you regret it? Last night?" she asks, her voice barely above a whisper.

"I know I should..." he answers. "But I don't. I can't."

She grins wide, and leans up to kiss his lips. He knows it's wrong, to sleep with another woman's man (fiancé); to pursue him...and she feels guilty but, it's Ryan.

Their kiss is cut short by the sound of Ryan's phone ringing. He groans when she pulls away. He reaches for the small device off the table by the bed and checks the ID. "Seth," he mumbles.

"Okay," she laughs. "While you get that, I'll get changed." She pecks his lips with hers and climbs off of him. She gathers her things and disappears out of the room.

Ryan smiles to himself. She hasn't changed a bit. She still, to this day, will undress in front of his, let him undress her, make love to him, but she's always too shy to get dressed in front of him. He shakes his head and sits up, leaning against the wooden headboard. "Hey man," he says into the phone.

"Dude, where the hell are you?" Seth asks loudly.

"Uh, hi to you man," Ryan laughs, moving to grab his boxers off the floor.

"Hello, good morning, how are you?" Seth says sarcastically. "Now seriously man, where are you?"

Ryan hesitates. "You don't wanna know," he breathes out nervously.

"No, I do."

"Okay, what's with the 21 questions?" Ryan asks suspiciously, pulling on his jeans.

"Well, gee, Taylor called this morning-at 8:30 I might Add-complaining that YOU weren't him. And that you never got home last night. It's a good thing I'm quick on my feet even when I'm half asleep, because I totally covered for you man," Seth says.

"Thanks," Ryan mumbles, relieved. "What'd you say?"

"You went to the office to do some paper work."

"On a Sunday?" Ryan asks putting his wallet into his back pocket.

"Hey it's better than your actually place of being. So spill, where are you?"

Ryan sighs and sits on the edge of the bed. He looks up as Marissa walks into the room, a small smile on her face. "Look man, I can't talk now. I'll talk to you later." He hangs up, not even waiting for a goodbye.

"Is everything okay? Marissa asks sitting next to him.

"Yeah, um...I should go."

"Oh, okay," she says looking down as he climbs to him feet.

"It's just...Taylor..."

"Yeah, no, of course." She stands up and leads him out of the room. "You gotta go."

He curses in his head and follows her out. "I'll call you, or something," he says as she opens the door for him. She nods, avoiding his gaze. His hand falls to her waist and he kisses her lips softly. "I promise."

* * *

When he gets home, he's relieved to find Taylor cheerily making lunch. He'd spent the whole ride home coming up with excuses to tell Taylor for when she didn't believe Seth's story about going to the office. Except that she does believe it. Which is a miracle to him. The last thing he needs is for Taylor to know about last night.

He feels guilty-of course. He cheated on his fiancé-how could he not feel guilty. Taylor is amazing. She's everything he'd been looking for when he didn't even know that looking was still possible. But last night, with Marissa...he wouldn't change that for anything. He needs her, her craves her. Having her back, is like having his life back...no matter how wrong he knows it is.

The knock at the door pulls him out of his thoughts and pushes himself up off of the couch to answer. He knows who it is. After Taylor left to go to the mall, Seth called announcing that he was coming over. He opens the door and turns on his heel to walk back into the living room. Seth closes the door and follows. Ryan falls into the couch, rubbing a hand over his tired face. Both from the physical workout from last night and from his recent emotional turmoil. "So what's up man?"

"Oh I dunno," Seth says sarcastically. "How about you tell me where you were last night, and this morning."

"I already told you, you don't-"

"Humour me," Seth tells him sternly. He isn't sure where this sudden confidence is coming from but he figures he should just roll with it.

Ryan glances at him. He doesn't want to tell Seth, brother or not. Seth has a big mouth. And big mouth plus huge secret equals major disaster.

"Can I take a guess?" Seth asks, not waiting for answer. "And I must say I'm really hoping I'm wrong for Taylor's sake." Ryan continues to stare at him. "Taylor told me you were at Marissa's late last night-and I'm happy that she's back and alive and safe and I'm happy for you being happy-but please tell you didn't go there."

As soon as the words leave Seth's mouth, Ryan looks down, unable to look his bestfriend and brother in the eye anymore. And judging by the long breathe coming from the other man, he knows that Seth understands.

"You slept with her."

"Yeah," Ryan mumbles. Five years ago when Seth found out about Ryan and Marissa, he pestered him for days about the details. Now Seth is glaring at him. He misses the annoying Seth who wanted every last detail.

"Wow," Seth says, shifting uncomfortably in his seat on the couch. "Why, man?"

"Why do you think man?" Ryan asks seriously, leaning back into the back of the couch.

"Okay," Seth hesitates. He knows. But he doesn't know why he'd do with when he's with Taylor; because Ryan isn't like that. He doesn't know where to go from here, having not thought that far ahead. And he knows it's wrong to want details, but he does. He never has been able to deny himself the details of all things 'Ryan and Marissa'. "How was it?" he asks casually.

Ryan grins, looking down at his hands. "It was...amazing man. It was like nothing changed, like...like four years hasn't even gone by. We..." he trails off, looking for the right words to explain himself. "We still know everything that makes the other tick, you know? I still know every part of her..." Ryan keeps his gaze locked on his hands, praying that Seth doesn't want a comparison between Taylor and Marissa. Because comparing Taylor to Marissa is just...unfair, in so many ways.

Seth nods, understanding. If there's one thing that everybody was certain of-about Ryan and Marissa-it's that they know each other inside and out. And it kills him to say what he's about it, to Ryan after just getting the love of his life back (in more ways than one) but he has to. He has to. "Ry, you gotta end it man. You know that right?"

Ryan's eyes flicker up to meet his brothers and they're almost horrified at the thought.

Seth sighs and leans forward, his elbows on his knees. "Look man, if you don't, somebody's gonna hurt," her tells his brother. "And you're with Taylor, you asked her to marry you. You can't throw that away."

"I know," Ryan breaths.

"You can still have Marissa without actually having her."

"I know," Ryan mumbles. He knows they'd still be friends, but being with her felt so much better. And still, he knows he has to end it.

* * *

She's nervous, still. It's been hours since Summer came to get her to go to the mall. And Marissa is still nervous that Summer will find out. Summer is her best friend and she always knew when Marissa had had sex. She had a 'glow' about her, Summer said. And so she did everything she could o hide the 'glow', before she even left the bathroom.

And now, sitting in the cafeteria in the mall, after a whole afternoon of shopping and spa treatments, she's paranoid that Summer will catch on.

She doesn't know what to do. She had never considered herself a cheater before-or a party to it. And she knows that Ryan isn't the type to cheat either. The Ryan she knew, anyway. And yes, many things about Ryan were still the same, but a lot about him had changed too. She isn't sure if it was the accident that did that, or if it was Taylor...or both. So what was last night; besides absolutely amazing? Technically it was cheating, but it didn't feel like it.

And it makes her wonder what would've happened had she stayed. Had she not panicked; had she stayed with him, like he had for her? Had she made it to her father? Would _she_ be with Ryan now? Would _she_ be the one with a ring on her finger, engaged to him? Would _she_ be the one he came home to after a long day at work? Would _she_ be planning a wedding to the love of her life? Or, would things have fallen apart? And if she'd gone to be with her father for a year, would Ryan have been there when she got back? Would he have waiting for her, like he had silently promised her at the model home? Would he have started dating Taylor anyways?

So many thoughts are swirling through her head and she forgets that she's in public, that she's supposed to be listening to Summer.

"Coop are you okay?" Summer asks, looking concerned as her best friend stares into space.

"Hmmm? Yeah," Marissa says casually.

"Are you sure? You've been acting weird all day..." Summer says sceptically.

"No I'm just-I was thinking."

"Oh yeah! So did you finish your unpacking yesterday?"

"Yep. Ryan and I were up pretty late...but I'm done," she says taking a sip from her water bottle, before accidentally letting anything else slip.

"Good," Summer says, smiling happily. It feels so good to know that her best friend of all time isn't just back, but she's here to stay. Her eyes travel to the side and she catches a glimpse of Taylor. "Hey, it's Taylor. Taylor!" she calls out loudly.

Marissa's eyes widen in shock and horror. Taylor? Taylor Townsend? She isn't ready for that! Panic washes over her as Taylor makes her way over. "Hey Sum I have to pee," she says quickly.

"Kay," Summer says slightly confused, but not bothered as Marissa walks away quickly.

Marissa pushes the door to the girls room open, practically throwing herself into the room. She's relieved to find it empty. She isn't ready to face Taylor. How the hell is she supposed to look her in the eye? Ever? She doesn't understand people can do this all the time and not care.

Her and Taylor aren't friends; they never really were. In fact they used to hate each other. And now that Taylor has Ryan, Marissa wants to hate her again. But she can't. No matter how wrong she knows it is to want him, she doesn't think she can stay away. It makes her physically sick- the thought of not having him. She doesn't want to think about how it'd make her feel if she walked away.

Her phone starts to vibrate in her pocket and her hearts leaps at the thought of it being Ryan. She pulls it out to find one new message. From Ryan. And despite all previous thoughts and doubts, she smiles as she flips it open to read the message. 'Hey you. I'm coming over later'. Her smile widens and she answers him. 'Sounds good Ry :)'.

* * *

Ryan barely registers what he's doing as he walks out of the elevator and towards her room. He can't believe what he's here to do. Yesterday he was here making love to her and today he's her to break up with her. Something he never thought he'd even have the chance to do again-let alone want to. After their last break up; after telling her that it was never over, he'd vowed to himself that if he ever got a hold of her again, he'd never let go. There was a time when he knew that his future was with her-only to have it taken from him. And now that he had her back, he still doesn't have it. Because he's with Taylor. Because he chose to have a future with her.

He sighs and knocks on her door rather than just walking in like he always does. He rubs the back of his neck nervously and he can hear her shuffling behind the door. He can't help but laugh when he hears her stumble and mutter "Ow". Her legs are long and beautiful and graceful...and sometimes klutzy. She opens the door and a wide smile spreads across her beautiful, innocent face and he groans inwardly at what he's about to do.

"Hey," she says softly.

"Hey."

She kisses him deeply, grabbing him by the collar of his t-shirt and pulls him inside. He shuts the door and before he realizes what he's even doing, his arms are wrapped around her waist, holding her tightly against him and he lets her lead him to the bedroom.

"I've missed this," she says into his lips, pushing him onto the bed.

"Me too," Ryan whispers sadly as she climbs on top of him. She straddles his waist ad he struggles to ignore the feelings brewing inside of him. "Wait," he breathes, before she can kiss him again.

"What?" she giggles, sliding her hands up his chest under his shirt.

"I don't think this is a good idea," he says quickly. He wants to get this over with, before he has to watch her fall apart. But he makes no attempts to move or leave. The weight of her sitting on top of him is comforting.

"What do you mean?" she asks softly, her smile fading. She fumbles with the hem of the bottom of his shirt.

He sighs and shifts himself on the bed so he's half leaning on the headboard and half on the pillows. She's still straddling him and his hands automatically find hers. "I just...'Riss, I dunno..." he breaths out reluctantly. "I just don't think it's-"

"You didn't say that last night-"

"I wasn't thinking last night," he says, sliding his hands up and down her thighs absently.

She pauses, not sure whether she should be insulted or not. So she smiles, deciding to stay positive. "So I make you not think?"

"You make me do a lot of things," he tells her, staring at her intently; her eyes dancing lovingly. He can't do this, he can't walk away from her.

She leans down and plants a soft kiss on his chin, letting her lips linger. "Can I make you reconsider?"

He slides his hands up her back until they're tangled in her hair. He brings her lips to his and he kisses her passionately, taking back all the things he didn't really mean. A silent understanding between two lovers; two soul mates. "Just so you know," he says pulling away and rolling over so he's on to. He runs his fingers up and down her let softly. "Seth knows, but I made him promise not to tell anyone."

She nods and wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him closer. He pushes his forehead into hers and she knows that this time he'll leave after and fall asleep next to Taylor, but it doesn't hurt as much as it had before. Because now she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that a part of him is still hers.

* * *


	8. Chapter 8 The Truth Behind the Lies

* * *

The Truth Behind the Lies

He isn't sure when it happened. When he had become_ that_ guy. The guy that cheated on his fiancé. What stumps him even more is how easy it is; how easy it is for him to forget his future wife and completely lose himself in _her_; how after four years it's still as easy to be with _her_ as it once was.

Taylor is amazing. But Marissa...she's Marissa. She's his first love. She's his. And despite having moved on with Taylor, he still hasn't fallen out of love with the girl he met at the bottom of a driveway.

He's afraid. He's afraid to let go sometime. To let go of her hand in case she slips away again. To let go of her body because he needs to feel her; to feel the heat. To leave, go home, because he's afraid of waking up without her to tell him it isn't a dream. To not take the last look, afraid that if he didn't, she'd disappear.

It's been six days since the beginning of the affair. He doesn't like that word: affair. Any other circumstance; any other woman, then yes, 'affair' is a suitable word. But is anything with Marissa wrong enough to call it an affair? Is it really an affair if you loved the person before you loved your fiancé?

He knows it is wrong; what he's doing to Taylor, but it feels so damn right being with Marissa again. He feels right, she feels right, 'it' feels right. He needs her-physically, emotionally and mentally. And even when he does think about Taylor, it doesn't last long. One look at Marissa, one kiss from her beautifully bruised lips, and Taylor no longer exists.

It's an early Friday afternoon (a little bit after 1) as Ryan drives towards Marissa's. Sand has given him the afternoon off-which is a benefit in more ways than one. One-it means a longer weekend. And two-it means more time he gets to spend with Marissa. Taylor doesn't get off work from her boutique until 5 or 6 and according to her, he doesn't get off until 7 or 8. and this time he didn't have to lie to her, because this time it was her that reminded him of his later hours. The last few work days Ryan lied to her (and he isn't proud of it by any means) and he said that he HAD to work late.

Ryan has never been good at lying. When he was a kid he would lie to the doctors and the cops when they asked what happened to his face; they didn't believe him, but they never pushed the issue either. Every other time he tried to lie, it didn't work either. Marissa knew him too well and Seth lied enough for the both of them to know when Ryan was lying. He's only become 'good' at lying after Marissa's 'death'.

He no longer has to think when he drives to Marissa's, and because of this it feels like mere seconds have passed when he climbs out of his car and crosses the street to her apartment building.

He steps out of the elevator and wipes his hand over his face in an attempt to wipe the smile off. But it doesn't budge. And he doesn't blame it. He pulls on his tie, loosening it as he opens the door to her apartment suite. He sees her kneeling on the floor in front of the TV and he smiles, closing the door. His smiles turns worried as he realizes just how close she is to the electronics. After her incident with the electronics-when she cut her finger on the wires during senior year-he made her promise she wouldn't do it alone again. Over-protective; sure. But he couldn't help it, not after what happened that summer. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"Hey," she says absently. "I'm trying to set up my playstation."

"Uh-huh, why?"

"Because I-UGH!" she screams out in frustration. "It's not working!"

"Okay, babe," he starts, walking over to her. "What have I told you about this?"

"Not to try and set anything up myself but-"

"Yes exactly," he says softly. He can't help but smile at the fact that she looks like a child being told not to touch the stove. "So put down the cords and step away from the electronics," he tells her carefully. In the mean time he's managed to take off his tie and roll up the sleeves of his white collar shirt.

"Ryan!" she protests, half offended, half amused.

"Please?"

She sighs and puts everything down on the floor before climbing to her feet. She crosses her arms over chest, glaring at him.

"Look I'm sorry," he laughs, resting his hands on her hips and sliding them under the fabric of her t-shirt. "And I think it's incredibly sexy that you're trying to do it on your own, but for you it's dangerous." He pulls her into him, leaving no space for air and her kisses her softly.

"You don't think I can be a mechanic?" she pouts playfully.

"Electrician," he corrects. "And no, I don't." He walks around her and starts to plug everything in. "So why'd you get it?"

"Because you and Seth used to have fun, and I figured I need something to do when you or Summer and Seth or my mom and Kaitlin aren't around."

"Which is never," he laughs.

"Yeah it sounds better in my head."

He laughs and pushes himself to his feet. "There, all done." He falls onto the couch cushions and looks up her.

She grins and climbs onto his lap, her arms snaking around his neck; his own arms snaking around her waist. "We should go on a date," she announces.

"Date?" he asks hesitantly.

"I mean, not really a date. To us it can be, but I mean everyone knows we're friends right?" she asks, fumbling with the collar of his shirt. "So if we all of a sudden stop hanging out people are gonna start to wonder. And do you know what they'll wonder?" she pauses and he shakes his head, urging her to continue. "That we're either fighting or that we've got something to hide."

He looks at her; smiling confidently. "You should be a lawyer."

She laughs, having no idea what he's talking about. "Why?"

"Because you make a good argument."

"Thank you!" she smiles proudly.

"Sandy would be proud," he laughs, slipping his thumbs into the loops of her jean skirt.

"And you?"

He pulls her closer to him, capturing her lips in his. "I'm always proud of you." He feels her grin into his lips and he moans, briefly wondering if the slight bruising on her lip is going to disappear. He hopes not (at least not any time soon) because she looks so damn cute. Those are the only bruises her will ever tolerate on her body (except, maybe, for a few hickeys). "So," he starts, resting his head back on the couch, "did you buy any games?"

"No-I knew I forgot something!" she says while in deep thought.

"Well then lets go to the mall."

The mall had been relatively empty for a Friday afternoon in Newport Beach. Normally South Coast Plaza was buzzing with adults and teenagers, but luckily for Ryan and Marissa, it was almost empty.

After going to the video game store, Marissa dragged him to a couple of clothing stores and shoe boutiques-something he thinks he should be used to know. He used to dread it-going from store to store, but he doesn't mind it much anymore. And he especially doesn't mind when she needs 'help' or a 'second opinion' and they end up making out in the dressing room.

When they got back to her apartment around 4, he offered to make her dinner, which consisted of grilled cheese sandwiches. After eating that very important meal, they skipped out on testing the new PS2 and went straight to making out on the couch.

Now, while lying on top of Ryan, her body moulded to his perfectly; the only thing separating them is their clothes, Marissa glances at the clock on the DVD player. It's almost 6:30. She knows he has to leave soon. She knows that if he doesn't leave soon, Taylor will call wondering where he is. Five or so hours aren't enough time for them... "Do you have to go yet?" she asks quietly, her fingers travelling up and down his biceps absently.

"Ouch," he smirks, faking hurt in his voice. "Trying to get rid of me?"

"Of course not," she whispers turning her head to look at him. She rests her chin on his chest. "I just don't want Taylor to get mad or...suspicious."

He looks at her intently before taking a deep breath and casting his gaze at the ceiling. "Can I tell you something?"

"Of course."

"I didn't go to your funeral," he tells her, before he really has a chance to think about how he should start. He was never going to tell her, he never wanted o. But for whatever reason he feels he should. She looks at him curiously and he looks back at her. "I know it sounds bad but I just...I couldn't do it. I couldn't say goodbye again..." he trails off looking down, away from her curious/loving eyes. She kisses his chest under the fabric of his wife beater and continues to watch him, waiting for him to continue. And he likes that she doesn't push him...like Taylor sometimes does. "When I thought you were dead I...I said goodbye and I couldn't do it again. I remember thinking about when you told me and I wanted to be the last one to say goodbye to you...and I remember thinking-wishing0that if nothing else, I didn't have to be the last one. I mean I...holding you and being with you was one thing, but being the last person to see you like that was...really hard." He pauses and swallows the lump in his throat the size of a bowling ball and he looks at her again. She's watching him affectionately and that is all he needs to continue. To tell her what he's never told anyone before. "I couldn't watch them bury you Riss. I couldn't watch them put your memory in a hole in the damn ground."

"That makes sense," she whispers softly.

"And I couldn't listen to a stranger tell me what I already knew..."

"Hey it's okay," she coos, lifting her hand to brush her fingers through his hair. "I understand."

"Yeah?" he chokes out.

"Of course," she whispers back.

He smiles a warm smile before bringing their lips together again. "Nobody knows that, any of it," he murmers into her smooth, silky lips.

"I can keep a secret," she whispers, giggling softly.

He grins and kisses the spot of her neck that he knows drives her crazy. He feels the moan in her throat before it escapes her lips and he grins again into her skin. His lips find hers and without even thinking he goes to roll over so that he's on top of her, except they fall off of the couch and land with a loud thug on the floor. They burst into laughter and he rolls off of her, inwardly thanking himself for thinking to move the table before hand.

"Are you trying to hurt me?" she asks, giggling lightly.

"Nah, it's just habit," he laughs and she climbs on top of him, defeating the purpose of they they're on the floor in the first place. "You okay?" he asks, running his hands up and down her arms.

"Never better."

He wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her closer. He moves to kiss her when his phone rings. Groaning loudly he hold her on top of his with on hand and fumbles with his other hand to get his phone from his pocket. Marissa nuzzles her face into the crook of her neck, placing soft, playful kisses on his warm skin, as he answers the phone. "Hello?" he pauses, his eyes widening as guilt washes over him.

Marissa senses this and pulls away from him.

"Yeah I'm just leaving," Ryan answers his fiancé while watching Marissa turn away from him. "Bye Taylor." He hangs up and stuffs his phone back into his pocket. He watches Marissa as she pushes herself to her feet and carries their dirty dishes to the kitchen. Sighing, he pushes himself to his feet and follows her. "Sorry..."

"It's okay," she says, bending down to put the dishes in the dishwasher. She turns to face him. "I'll see you later?"

He nods and steps into her, leaning her back against the counter, his arms on either side of her body. He catches her lips in his and nibbles softly on her bottom lip. "Definately," he murmers.

* * *

Ryan walks into the kitchen the next morning to find Taylor making breakfast. He pauses in the doorway and watches his future wife quietly.

When he got home last night Taylor was already in bed. When he climbed into bed beside her he kissed her temple and lay flat on his back, not waned to wake her up. And when she curled into him, his arms wrapped around her tightly. He hates hurting her, but he can't turn his back on Marissa. He needs her, he loves her.

He finally works up enough courage to walk in and when he does he walks straight over to her and wraps his arms around her waist. "Morning," he mumbles into her shoulder as he presses his lips against her skin.

"Hi," she giggles, falling into the comfort of his arms. It's been days since she's gotten to spend all day with HER fiancé, and she's determined to do just that. Especially if it means that she gets to keep him from Marissa. She turns around and kisses him softly. "So I was thinking that we could start planning the wedding," she says, wrapping her arms around his neck. He proposed to her exactly one month ago, and the only reason she didn't start planning earlier was because of Marissa-what with her 'anniversary' and then her reappearing act.

"Today?"

"Yeah!" she exclaims excitedly. "We should go out and look for colours and stuff!"

He smiles at her enthusiasm and kisses her softly. "Sounds good to me."

Later that afternoon, after having a quick lunch, Ryan and Taylor leave for the mall. Taylor had a blast; running from store to store looking at dresses and tableware and dinnerware. Ryan just watched, amused. He doesn't get it. He doesn't get the difference between colours that all looked the same to him. Or the big deal about the thread count of the various table cloths.

Maybe it's because it hasn't hit him yet. He knows he asked her to marry him. He knows they are getting married. But he's not sure it's hit him yet. And he isn't sure whether it's because the thought of marriage never existed before he had met Marissa, or because of Marissa.

"Should we get Thai for dinner tonight?" Taylor asks as they walk hand in hand down the pier.

Ryan goes to answer, but he can't find the words when he sees a familiar black leather jacket a few feet away from them. Volchok. His voice fails him and his breath catches in his throat. Taylor seems to notice because she squeezes his hand, but he doesn't acknowledge it. He's known this day would come, that Volchok would be a free-man. But he never planned on seeing him. He never prepared himself for when he would see him. He stops walking and Taylor turns to him.

"Do you wanna leave?"

"No," Ryan mumbles, but turns his back on both of them. his mind drifts to Marissa and he wonders if Volchok has tried to see her.

"Ryan."

Ryan tenses visibly and he turns around to face Volchok: his enemy; who at the same time was the only one who know how he felt having lost the love of their lives. He pulls Taylor closer to his side, needing to feel her comfort. He nods at the shaggy looking man in front of him.

Volchok takes a deep breath. "Man, I just wanted to tell you I'm leaving."

"Okay," Ryan manages to whisper. But he's unable to form actual sentences.

The former convict swallows the nervous lump in his throat. "I'm...I'm not gonna give you or Marissa any trouble. I'm not even gonna see her."

Ryan nods, noticing both the way Volchok pauses after saying her name and the way his own stomach lurches hearing him say her name.

"I just wanted you to know that."

"Okay."

Volchok nods, sending Taylor an apologetic look and turns to leave.

"Volchok," Ryan says, louder this time.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks man," Ryan says, sticking his hand out in front of him. He isn't sure why he's thanking him, or offering him his hand, but it feels strangely...right.

Volchok offers him a small smile and shakes his hand, before turning once again to leave.

Ryan watches him go until he gets lost in the crowds. He looks down and Taylor leans into him.

"Wanna talk about it?" she asks softly.

"No, it's fine. Let's go pick up that Thai," he says quickly.

He'd barely said a word to Taylor since seeing Volchok. He'd barely said anything, period. He knows she wanted to talk about Volchok, but he doesn't. At least not with her. There is only two things that he doesn't-can't share with her: Marissa and Volchok. She knows the basics. She knows that he had wanted to kill him after the accident. But she doesn't know about Mexico or about the details of the motel.

And after seeing him today, there is only one person he wants to see, to talk to, and to be with. There is only one person who he needs...and she needs to know. He'd originally planned on not telling her ANY of the details, but now...with Volchok gone...he needs to tell her. But more than that, he needs her. Now. "I'm going out," he announces to Taylor as he pushes himself off of the living room couch. He can already feel Marissa's soft, smooth, silky skin under his rough fingertips.

"Uh, okay, where?" Taylor stutters, taken aback. She watches Ryan pull on his shoes quickly in the front hall, forgetting his half eating Thai food.

"I'm just gonna go for a drive," he says throwing on his leather jacket.

"When will you be home?"

"Dunno. Don't wait up," he tells her before heading out the door. As he climbs into his car, Taylor and the wedding are the furthest thing from his mind.

* * *

Ten minutes later, having been given Marissa's pin number to get into the garage parking lot, her finds himself stepping out of the elevator on her floor and making his way quickly down the hall. He tries the door knob, smiling to find it locked like he tells her to do no matter what. He waits patiently for her to answer the door, even though waiting is the last thing he wants to do. He wants her. He hears the lock being unlocked and he grins when she opens the door in her PJ's, that warm, killer smile greeting him. He takes a second to look her up and down. She's wearing a pink and white stripped tank top with matching 'boyfriend' boxers. Her hair is in a careless pony tail and she has zero make-up on.

Without even a second thought his lips find hers and he pulls her into him. He backs her into the apartment and in one swift movement he turns and pushes her into the door so he can lock it. He kisses her harder and she moans as his eager tongue roams her mouth. Her lips are meant to be kissed by him-they both know it. Her arms warp around his neck, holding him against her, even as he pulls away to breath and presses his forehead against hers.

"This is a nice surprise," she says softly.

He grins and moves his head to kiss the below her earlobe.

She pushes him away a little bit and looks at him curiously, but concerned. "Is everything okay?"

"Yah I just..." he trails off, tracing small patterns on her bare hips. "I need you," he chokes out desperately, staring into her eyes, telling her what his mouth can't. He needs to feel her, to feel close to her.

She nods understandably and she takes his hand leading him to her (their) bedroom. He leans against her, pushing her into the closed door; one hand falls around her waist, the other turning the door knob to open the door. She pulls him into the room and they stumble back onto the bed. His lips refuse to leave hers as his hand slides under her shirt to trace patterns on the spine of her back. His free hand supports his weight on top of her and her hand slips under his t-shirt and pulls it off. His lips automatically find hers again in a hard, and passionate kiss. His lips travel down the length of her jaw to her neck as her hand slides down his very muscular torso before making quick work of his belt.

His head is full of thoughts of her as they slowly undress one another, pushing the thought of Volchok out of his head. Their hands roam each other's bodies expertly as the completely lose themselves in each other.

Afterwards, they lay tangled in each other's arms. Neither of them says anything; they just enjoy the other's company. But Marissa knows that something is on his mind. She can tell from the way he barely said anything when he got there; from the way he wouldn't let her go. But she won't push him. She can feel his chest rise and fall deeply under her head and she braces herself.

"I saw Volchok today," he whispers, his voice husky still. He even surprises himself. He swallows the lump in his throat. One hand is still tangled in her matted hair, the other is absently tracing circles on her naked hip bone. He feels her stiffen at his name, but now that he's opened that door, he can't close it.

"Where?" she asks, her voice barely above a whisper.

"The pier. He's gone..."

"Good..."

"I thought that I'd feel better you know? Or that I'd feel something...but I don't." He thinks he should feel relieved or happy or _something _rather than nothing. "I almost killed him," he admits, out loud, for the first time. He knows that everybody knows it; that he had gone to Mexico to do it. They don't know that he went to the motel. And if anybody deserves the truth behind the lies he tells everyone else, it's Marissa.

She looks at him, half shocked, half curious. She knows Ryan's temper; she knows that as hard as he tries to control himself that sometimes it's not enough. But to kill someone?

"After the accident he took off. So your mom hired a private investigator to find him," he says, his voice quiet. He remembers the day he went to see Julie, when she handed him the file. Julie's scared, desperate voice yelling after him: _'I know you care about her even if you didn't go to her funeral or visit her grave I know you still care!'_ He shuts his eyes tightly and she runs her fingers through his hair. "At first I wanted nothing to do with it. But then I went to your grave for the first time and it made me sick to think that he was still out there. So I went after him..."

She pulls away enough to look at him. "Where was he?"

Ryan rolls over so he's on top and he rests his head on her chest. His body is half on her and half off, his arms wrapped tightly around her as he listens to her heartbeat. "Mexico," he mumbles. "Seth came but only because he refused not to. I looked everywhere and I couldn't find him. And then Seth told me where to go only it was all wrong. He threw me off track because he know that if I'd found him I would've beat him until he stopped breathing."

"No, I'm sure you would've stopped," she tells him confidently.

"I'm not." He pauses to listen to her steady heartbeat-again-before continuing. "I like to tell myself I would've but had I found him down there, I wouldn't have ever given it a second thought. I would've killed him."

"Did you ever find him?"

He takes a deep breath and then tries to time his breathing with hers. "Yeah-well sort of," he admits. "He called Sandy and Sandy sort of helped him. He was hiding him-from me-until the cops could get him. But when I told Sandy I knew he...agreed to take me. When I got there, when I opened the door he was just sitting there staring at me. And I just snapped. I just kept hitting him and punching him and...he didn't even try to fight back. And I knew that in that moment I could've kill him, it would've been so damn easy. But then I heard your voice in my head telling me that you were proud I didn't fight and I stopped. I just...stopped."

She waits patiently for him to continue. He'd already passed his usual word capacity for a week and she's surprised he's managed to tell her this much. She starts to run her fingers across his shoulders when he pulls away.

He pushes himself into a sitting position, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. He pulls the sheets over him and looks up at the ceiling, his hands in his lap. He feels her move behind him, wrapping her arms around his torso. She presses her naked chest against his bare back and he leans into her, resting the back of his head on her shoulders as she kisses his neck softly. "We just sat there for...twenty minutes. Then I asked him why he didn't even stop and he said that he panicked. And it made me sick to think that while I was pulling you out of a burning car that about to blow up, he was driving away...not even looking back." He rolls his head over and rests the side of his head on hers; that's resting on his shoulder. "He wanted me to do it. He wanted me to end it for him...and I think that that's when I realized he had to pay, not with his life but...by paying for it. You know?"

She nods against him and hold him tighter.

"Walking out of that room was the hardest thing..."

"I'm glad you did," Marissa whispers placing a feather light kiss on his shoulder.

"I went to the jail to see him. I dunno why but it was...the 'anniversary' of the accident and I left Taylor and I just ended up there. We didn't do or say anything, we just sat there. That's when I realized we were grieving the same thing: you, the first girl either of us ever really-REALLY-loved." He leans further into her, his hands running up and down her thighs that are on either side of him.

"He's gone now Ryan," she tells him softly. "You don't have to worry about him anymore."

He sighs and turns his face to hers, his lips finding hers desperately once more. "I know..."

* * *


	9. Chap9 The Comeback of a Newport Princess

_Heyy, sorry it took so long for me to update! This chapter has the RM moment we all love as well as some of Taylor's true feelings. Also a little bit of the past is revealed with the necklace. Enjoyy._

The Comeback of a Newport Princess

It's amazing how fast time flies, how it passes you by and you don't even notice until it's long gone. Marissa knows this better than anyone.

Tomorrow is her birthday. Tomorrow she will be 22 years old. Tomorrow she will realize that the last year was more of a blur, just like the last 3 before that. And she only hopes that the last couple of months, the months spent with Ryan and her family, will stay with her forever.

Things with Ryan were different now, different from before. They're still the same people (for the most part) and there's still the same love and passion and lust. But now they talk more. They trust each other more. They understand more. Their relationship is deeper, more mature. Sure they're hiding, lying to everybody. But they're no longer lying to themselves. And she likes that. She misses that.

Marissa drops herself onto the couch in her living room with a heavy sigh. The Cohen's are holding a party for her at their house tomorrow night and no matter how many times she asks how many people are going, she never gets a straight answer. Every time she asks Ryan he just tells her Sophie will be there-which makes her even more excited. It's been two months and she still hasn't met Sandy and Kirsten's little girl; Ryan and Seth's little sister. She knows for a fact that Ryan is very proud of the 3 year old, which makes her that much happier to see her. And on her birthday!

Only one thing is bugging her. Julie and Kaitlin had both told her that every day on her birthday Ryan would spend hours at the cemetery. At her grave. Julie would visit for a little bit and sit with him. Summer would go, Seth would go. But he always stayed the longest. They would come and go in ten or fifteen minutes. He stayed.

This is the first year since it happened that he wouldn't have to go to her grave. And she's glad to give him that. But now that it's her birthday, she's starting to feel a need to do just that. Go to her own grave. Before she can even register what she's doing, she has her keys in her hand and she's on her way out of her apartment. The fact that she's in a pair of sweats doesn't matter to her. And she knows she should be getting ready to go out for dinner with Ryan, but he will forgive her...

Taylor Townsend (soon to be Atwood!) is frustrated. Not only is she forced to buy a present (a scarf that said was something _she'd_ love) for a girl she isn't even sure she likes, but now she can't even find a box big enough to put it in. Or pretty enough-because face it, Marissa needed a pretty box for her pretty scarf. Ryan is in the shower, getting ready to go to dinner with Marissa. Because apparently it's their 'routine' for her birthday. The day before her actual birthday they go out for dinner-just the two of them. The day of her actual birthday she spends with friends and family. Why he has to take her to dinner when they aren't even together, Taylor will never understand. But then again...it's better than him spending all day at the cemetery.

She walks into their bedroom and opens the door to the adjoined bathroom, poking her head into the muggy room. "Ryan?"

"Yeah?" he asks, muffled by the sound of the running shower

"Do you know where any boxes are?"

"Check the closet," he laughs.

She nods, even though he isn't looking and closes the door behind her. She makes her way to their joined walk in closet and instead of going to her side, she goes to his. Standing on her tip toes, she stretches to grab a box from the top shelf. While grabbing it however she also knocks off a smaller, rectangular box. "Oops," she whispers bending down to pick it up, before noticing that the box says. It's a jewellery box...

She settles down on the floor, crossing her legs, a confused expression on her face. Ryan had only bought her one piece of jewellery, which he proposed to her with. Which leaves her wondering, what's in the box? Is it hers? Or is it _hers_? Just the thought makes a lump form in her throat.

She opens the box, gasping at the beautiful necklace she sees. A small silver chain holding a heart with a small bird in the middle. It's the most gorgeous thing she's ever seen.

Afraid to take it out of the box because of how fragile it looks, she holds it up in the light for a better look. She's so transfixed in the necklace that she doesn't hear the shower stop. Now does she hear him walk up behind her.

"Beautiful huh?"

Taylor jumps slightly, caught off guard.

"Sorry," Ryan says softly. He bends down to kiss her forehand, reaching over her to grab a wife beater.

"Um, it's okay," she stutters pushing herself to her feet. She watches Ryan pull on his shirt and then looks at the ground. "And yes, it's beautiful."

"It's for Marissa," Ryan tells her, walking out of the closet and into the room.

Taylor literally feels her heart drop at the sound of her name as she follows him. "Oh? For her birthday?" she wonders casually.

"Yeah." Ryan grabs his watch from the table on his side of the bed, and puts it on his wrist. "Well sort of..." He turns to the woman-his fiancé-behind him. "I had originally gotten it for her for graduation, but I never got a chance it to her." He pauses, surprised by his own truthfulness, surprised by how easy it is to admit now.

"Oh," Taylor whispers closing the box. It almost seems cruel to hide its beauty. Almost. She looks down, trying to hide the hurt in her voice and in her eyes.

"Taylor, I know I should've told you before but...I couldn't..."

"No, I get it. It was a reminder of the accident," she says, her gaze flickering up to meet his. It's a reminder of the girl he used to love more than anything. The girl he still loves. So why is she so surprised?

"Thanks," he whispers, leaning down to kiss her, "It means a lot," he says truthfully.

She smiles at him, her arms wrapping around his neck, the box still in her hands. She leans up to kiss him softly, pleased by his returned one. "So," she pulls away, "what's the significance of the bird?" Curiosity plays across her features.

He smiles softly at the memories flooding back to him. "Uhh, The Notebook. You know it?"

"Yeah, the movie. I never watched it though."

"Okay," he laughs. "Well its Marissa's favourite movie, I swear she made me watch a million times. And there's a part in it where the characters are at the beach and she's talking about being a bird in her past life. And Noah, he tells her _'If you're bird, I'm a bird'_. Marissa used to always want to be a bird in her next life; to go wherever she wanted to go, to do whatever she wanted to do, to have complete and total control over her life." He looks down as the words leave his lips, a little bit embarrassed at his own recollection. "And she was going to Greece with her dad, so it seemed to fit, you know?"

"Wow..."Taylor whispers, trailing off. "That's...yeah that's very fitting. Are you gonna give it to her today or tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow. She'll beg and beg and beg today, but she's not getting it," he laughs. "So keep it safe for me?"

"Of course..."

"Thanks. And speaking of today, I should go." He lets go of her, not noticing the frown on her face. "I'll see you later," he tells her on his way out of the room. Guilt washes over him as he leaves her in their room holding Marissa's necklace. He's always felt guilty for cheating, but it's like he isn't sure who he's guilty for. His head knows that he's with Taylor, that he's cheating on Taylor. But his heart doesn't know the difference. His heart wanted both of them.

Ryan steps out of the elevator on the top floor. He makes his way down the hallway to Marissa's door rather quickly. She isn't answering her phone. He reaches for the doorknob and now finds it locked. He stuffs his hand into his jacket pocket and pulls out his keys: his car key, car starter, house key, work key and Marissa's spare key. He unlocks the door and walks in slowly. "Marissa?" he calls out, pausing for a response, but gets nothing. The TV is still on as he walks around quickly. Part of him knows she isn't there, but it can't hurt to check anyway.

As he walks into the living room, he realizes where she is. He doesn't know why he knows or how, but he does. He turns off the TV before heading out, his destination being the one place he was forever hoping he'd never have to go again.

Marissa steps out of her rental car and walks slowly towards the black headstone. Her heart racing wildly in her chest, her breath becoming shallow and jagged. Her hands are shaking, her legs or wobbly as she gets closer to her grave. Her _grave_. It doesn't sound right in her head. And she wonders what Ryan will think. Tears start to sting the backs of her eyes the closer she gets and she begins to wonder why she's even here.

Before long, she's standing, staring down at her grave. She covers her mouth with a shaking, pale hand as her eyes scan the words engraved on the headstone. _'Marissa Cooper. Loving daughter, sister and friend. 1989-2006.'_ She sniffs back tears and lowers herself to the ground on her knees. She sits back on her calves and stares at the words. Words that even now, don't make sense.

She can hear the rustling of the grass and the slow hesitant foot steps behind her. She can't turn around though because her eyes are glued to the sight in front of her. But she knows it's him. It's always him.

Ryan watches her shudder as she struggles to hold back tears. He walks slowly, so as not to surprise her, or scare her. It doesn't feel like it used to, to be here. It isn't scary or depressing anymore-weird, yes. It isn't the sight of the headstone that makes his heart drop; it's the sight of her. She looks so broken and fragile. He knows he should be used to this, but he isn't. Not anymore. The last time he saw her-really saw- her this...broken-he doesn't even want to think about it. He stops behind her, shoving his hands into his pockets somewhat nervously. "Hey," he whispers softly.

She glances at him quickly, flashing him a weak, nervous smile. "Hi..."

He sighs sadly. "And here I thought I wouldn't have to spend another one of your birthdays here." It's a lame attempt at a joke, but it's an attempt nonetheless.

"Sorry," she chokes out.

Ryan shakes his head and sits next to her. Sliding his arm around her shoulders, he pulls her into his chest. "Don't be sorry," he whispers.

She lets him hold her and no longer able to hold back, she lets the tears fall. Her body racks with uncontrollable sobs and he rubs her arms up and down trying to sooth her.

Ryan holds onto her tightly, rocking both of them back and forth. "Shh, it's okay," he says softly into her hair. He kisses the top of her head as it trying to make it go away for her. "You're okay."

Marissa nods into his chest as she finally starts to calm down. Her sobs subside, her tears stop and she pulls away from him, wiping her cheeks dry.

He watches her shift her position, pulling her knees into her chest. She sniffs loudly, resting her chin on her knees. All he wants to do is hold her, protect her, take her pain away. He moves closer to her and wraps his arm around her waist, smiling slightly when she leans into him. "You okay?" he asks resting his head on hers.

"Yeah its just...overwhelming you know?" her voice is quiet and timid and she feels him nod to her. "Knowing it's here and seeing it are totally different things."

"I know," he mumbles softly.

She pulls away and looks at him seriously. "I'm sorry, I know you didn't want to come here."

"It's okay 'Riss," he tells her, moving his hands to hold her face lovingly. He rests his forehead against hers and continues to close the gap. His lips find hers in a sweet passionate kiss. He pulls away slightly and looks over her briefly, taking in her appearance. Even in a pair of sweats and tear stained cheeks, she's still gorgeous.

"What?" she asks, smiling at the goofy grin on his face.

"Nothing," he says, playing with her soft curly hair. "Did you wanna stay or..."

She shakes her head and pauses to kiss his lips quickly. "No...I came, I saw...I'm good."

"You sure?" he asks, evidently concerned as he climbs to his feet. He pulls her up also and is met by her lips in a slow, but urgent kiss.

"I'm sure," she mumbles into his lips, nibbling softly on his bottom lip. Ryan moans into her mouth and pulls her into him by the hips, pressing their bodies together. He gets an equally satisfied moan from her and he smiles. She pulls away, pushing his chest with her hand to hold him back playfully. "I'm ready for my birthday dinner."

"So am I," he says, looking at her hungrily, licking his lips with desire.

"Take me out to dinner and you might get s gift in return," she replies mischievously. She walks past him, smiling innocently.

Ryan grins, sauntering after her. "Sounds good to me."

The hustle and bustle of a Newport party is nothing new to Roberts/Cooper-Roberts, or Cohen's, or the soon to be Atwood's. The fact is that this is Marissa's Birthday Party/Welcome Back party seems to have everyone on edge. Everything has to be perfect.

Julie rushes through the Roberts house to make sure-for one last time before the guests get here-that everything is perfect. Because as the host, she is in charge. She pauses on her round next to a woman placing a table cloth over a large circular table, before adjusting it entirely. "Perfect dear," she says smiling at the woman. "good job."

Summer and Taylor are laying out the wine and champagne glasses, along with napkins and trays of food. Kirsten is talking to the caterers. And Seth, Sandy and Ryan are doing the heavy lifting (Sandy and Ryan more so). Julie makes her way over to the guys. "Okay so Neil will be here any minute. Seth I need you to start those balloons."

"Got it, I am the balloon man," Seth says heading off toward the helium tank.

"Sandy could you check over the guest list?"

"Absolutely," Sandy says taking off in search of the list.

Julie turns towards Ryan, who takes a deep, much needed breath. "Do you think she'll like it?"

Ryan smiles and shoves his hands into the pockets of his suit pants. "She'll love it Julie."

"I think so, I hope so."

"You did a really good job," he assures her. "Where's Kate?"

"She's upstairs getting ready. It's not even her party and she's probably taking longer than Marissa."

Ryan laughs. "I don't think anyone can take longer than Marissa. Even if they try," he smirks. Even her name makes his blood rush.

"Speaking of Marissa, could you pick her up soon? Her rental car is in the garage."

"Yeah I'll head over now," he says, knowing that she won't be ready when he gets there-which means they get more alone time.

"Maybe you could even hurry her up!" the older Cooper laughs.

He smirks. "Maybe." Although in his head he knows that, if anything, he'll slow her down. "I'll just go tell Taylor," he says walking in the direction of his fiancé. He walks up behind her and Summer.

"Hey Atwood."

"Hey," he says back, dropping a kiss on Taylor's cheek. "You guys look good." Summer's wearing a black and white polka dot sun dress. Taylor has a yellow dress that hangs off of both shoulders and flows down to the floor. They smile. "So Julie wants me to go get Marissa.

"Like an escort?" Summer laughs.

"Something like that," Ryan smiles, but out of the corner of his eye he notices Taylor's hidden frown. "So...I'm gonna go and I'll be back soon," he says casually and tilts Taylors head towards his, capturing her lips in his. "Bye. Bye Summ!" he calls back to her on his way out.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," Taylor announces as she flees down the hall to the bathroom. She locks the door behind her and sighs sadly, leaning against the door for support. Escort? Why does Marissa need an escort? Why does Ryan need to be that escort?

And then she remembers. This is Marissa Cooper. She always needs an escort. And Ryan had almost been that escort. At cotillion she had both Luke AND Ryan fighting for the spot. At her mother's wedding she had Ryan. Wherever Marissa Cooper was, Ryan was never far behind.

Marissa sighs loudly in frustration as he throws another pair of shoes into her closet. This isn't working. She has a million outfits to choose from and she still can't decide what to wear. Standing in front of her floor-to-ceiling tall mirror in her bra and panties, she makes a mental note to give some of her clothes to charity.

Ryan, meanwhile, lets himself into her apartment and can hear her music coming room her bedroom. Despite having never heard it before, he smiles. She always did have a different taste in music. He closes the door and makes his way through the living room and down the hall. Her door is open, he notices smiling. He pokes his head inside before settling has back against the doorframe, watching her pace in front of her mirror. Her hair is in soft curls around her beautifully flawless face, and he can feel himself harden at the choice of her clothing. "You're late," he says, smirking as she jumps slightly.

"You scared me," she laughs, turning to face him. "And yes I'm late, to my own party too."

He shrugs casually and walks into the room toward her. "You look good-better naked but..." he smirks, cocking his head to the side and crashes his lips into her. His arms snake around her, pulling her into him firmly and she opens her mouth to him, letting his tongue do it's own thing. He nibbles on her bottom lip and listens to her moan softly.

"Mmmm," she mumbles into his mouth and pulls away. "I have a fashion emergency," she says leaning against the mirror for support, his arms still around her.

"Mmmkay," he whispers, pressing her hard against the glass and nuzzling his face into her neck, placing soft, delicate kisses on her skin. Tasting her.

"Ryan seriously," she groans, pushing him away reluctantly.

Ryan groans, but back away anyway, raising his hands up in mock surrender. He walks towards the bed and leans against the post, watching her in amusement as she scrambles around the room in her underwear, before stopping in front of him.

"I need your honest opinion," she tells him, holding up two dresses. In her right hand she holds a pink one-soft pink. It's strapless and knee length and he can tell just by looking at it that it will hug her curves perfectly. In her left hand is a black one, much like the one she wore to the fashion show his second night in Newport-only longer. It's a tough decision. "Which one?"

He knows which one he wants. But he enjoys the cute look on her face when she's getting impatient so he decides to make her suffer. Just a little. He looks at her and can't help but to smile. He looks at her and can't help but to smile. Just a little bit longer... "None," he blurts out.

"Ryan!" she squeals in protest.

"What?" he laughs, straightening himself out. "You said you wanted my honest opinion."

"Ry seriously," she whines and he help but laugh.

"Seriously?" He pauses to consider his options. "You could wear a paper bag and still be the hottest thing Newport's ever seen"

"Oh really?" she flashes him a playful smile.

"Mhmm," he mumbles, his lips finding her neck within seconds. He pulls away, a hand on each of her thighs. "Pink," he tells her honestly. "Brings out your eyes."

Marissa grins and leans in to give him a quick kiss on the cheek before handing him the pink one and running back into her closet to put the black one away.

Ryan hands her back the dress and sits on the edge of her bed, watching her as she slips into the dress. Without a word on either part, he moves to zip it up, letting his fingers graze her silky smooth skin. She flashing him an appreciative smile and disappears into the bathroom. He stays glued to his spot. He'd been half expecting her to run out of the room to slip into the dress, forgetting that she's no longer shy of dressing in front of him. There had only been one other time (before recently) that she wasn't shy, and that was at Theresa's engagement party. She'd been mad at him then. He'd been mad too, and only after had he realized that she'd done it. He found it cute; being shy in front him even if they'd just finished being intimate. Now that she isn't even close to shy, he finds it sexy as hell. Smiling to himself he walks out of the room and leans against the doorframe to the bathroom. She's re-doing her hair, not even bothered that he's watching her silently. He loves that about her. She's always so easy to watch...to admire-whether up close or from afar.

His smile fades when he remembers the last their birthdays-his 18th-in which they hadn't spent it together. At all. "I'm sorry," he starts, suddenly; "I didn't invite you to my birthday party."

"What?" she asks, confused as she turns to face him. "Ry, I wasn't even here..."

"I mean my 18th," he clarifies, watching her reaction. There's a brief moment in which he sees hurt in her eyes, but it's quickly replaced with something not even he could identify. "I never apologized," he whispers, casting his gaze downward.

"You don't have to apologize," she says laughing slightly. "It's okay-and besides, it's in the past."

"Which means it's long overdue."

"Ryan seriously, it's fine." She closes the gap between them and wraps her arms around his waist. Ryan returns the favour.

"Can I tell you why?" he asks, squeezing her ever so slightly.

"I already know why," she tells him softly. "And it made complete and total sense. If you invited me, it would mean still wanted to try. If you didn't, it would mean we were totally over."

"I had to make a choice. And I guess I just wanted to believe that I was okay without you; that I could be without..." he trails off and presses him lips into hers. "I made the wrong decision."

"But things are fine now, right?" She smiles softly.

"Right," he answers, smiling back.

"So what do you say we go celebrate my birthday?"

Ryan lets go of her and she grabs her clutch off of the counter. "What? It's your birthday?" he teases, receiving a playful death glare as he follows her out to her party-late by a long shot.

The party had been a complete success. By the time Ryan and Marissa had arrived, the part had already started. Julie and Kirsten managed to keep her arrival on the down low while they introduced her to Sophie-another complete success. For a 3-almost-4 year old (something she reminded everyone any chance she gets), Sophie Cohen was a talker. Marissa guessed that between Sandy's ability to talk (and talk well), and Seth's never ending babbling-the mini Kirsten is well off; she'll never have a problem with communication ever again. You can't always understand her, but the effort is definitely there. She spends most of her time talking to Marissa-about pre-school, her friends, her family and how much she likes her (from Ryan's arm). The adorable 3 year old is as much Ryan's baby sister as she is Seth's, and she can't be happier.

Once Kirsten had managed to convince her daughter to let Marissa attend her own party, Sophie was more than happy to introduce her. Marissa sent her mother, Kirsten and Ryan a happy but nervous glance before being pulled along behind little Sophie Cohen.

Hours later, after being reacquainted with the people from her past-people who loved her, admired her, hated her, or otherwise-thanks to her own personal assistant, Marissa can no longer wait to open Ryan's present (everyone else's she was allowed to open that morning at breakfast). Kirsten took Sophie inside for a snack so that Marissa can open her last present; Seth and Summer helped.

Upon asking Ryan for her present, she's caught off guard when he'd said "Present? What present?" And had she now known it existed before hand, she might have believed him. Tears had sprung to her eyes the second she saw the necklace in the box. While she refrained from kissing him (with much difficulty) Ryan refrained from pulling her into his arms and kissing the tears away. So he settles with wiping them away with his thumbs before latching the necklace around her neck.

Not long after, it was Sophie's bed time and she refused to go to sleep unless Ryan tucked her in (she hadn't seen him in a while) and somebody read her a story. That somebody wasn't allowed to be anybody but Marissa. Once they had gotten the very sleepy 3 year old to fall asleep, they joined the party again, both silently wondering if had things gone as planned, if they'd be doing that with their own little baby...

Taylor meanwhile, had taken to standing in the background, watching from afar. She watched the way Sophie had immediately taken to liking to Marissa, telling her things that not even Taylor herself had known. She watched the way Ryan didn't leave her side once while Sophie talked to Marissa. And when Sophie dragged Marissa outside to the rest of the party, Ryan had come over to kiss her cheek and explain-with very minimal detail-why they were late. Immediately after, she noticed how everyone-all Newpsies alike-welcomed her back open arms. Like she was royalty...again. she noticed how every single one of them seemed to forget that this was the girl that for the last years of her high school life, they had scolded, looked down on, snickered behind her back, faked to her face. Maybe it was her 'death' that had changed their minds.

Taylor tried really, REALLY hard to stay calm. She was trying not to be jealous or angry or hateful. Because she was glad that Marissa is alive, she is. But it's hard not to be jealous of Marissa Cooper. Especially if your name is Taylor Townsend.

All her like she'd been second best to Marissa. She was JUST Taylor; just THAT Taylor girl. Whereas Marissa was THE Marissa Cooper. Not _that_ or _just_, but _the_...

Marissa was everything she wasn't. Beautiful, popular, the Queen Bee at Harbour, Social Chair...and even though Taylor had better grades, Marissa was THE model student. Marissa Cooper was a princess with her very own thrown. And not just any thrown-THE thrown, for THE Marissa Cooper. Everybody in this silly little town worshipped the ground she walked on; they held her up on a pedestal, unreachable to the rest of Newport. Especially to a girl like Taylor Townsend.

And no matter how many times Marissa had fallen from her pedestal, given up her thrown, everybody still loved her. They talked behind her back, called her things Taylor wouldn't even dare say-but as soon as Marissa Cooper was ready to be back in her thrown-they welcomed her with open arms. And no matter how many times Taylor tried to prove herself; to make herself suitable for THE thrown, she was never good enough.

And again, not that she was happy about Marissa 'death', because she wasn't; because she would never wish that on anyone. But even so, for the first time since kinder garden, she wasn't covered by Marissa Cooper's shadow.

She had friends, family and a boyfriend-a fiancé- who loved her for her. But now with Marissa Cooper back, she can't help but feel threatened. Marissa is back, her thrown ready to take whenever she felt like it. And she only hopes that the people she loves don't push her away like the of Newport.

However watching Ryan with her now, Taylor has to wonder if she hasn't already lost him...

Marissa, having taken off her small-heel-sandals the minute her and Ryan got in the car after leaving the party, drops them on the floor of her closet and slips on a pair of shorts and an old t-shirt.

Ryan take are of shutting and locking the door before throwing his suit jacket on the back of her couch. He falls onto the couch and kicks his shoes off as she walks in, throwing her hair into a pony tail. He smiles.

"Hey," she whispers, sitting on the arm of the couch next to him.

Ryan rests his head on the back of the couch and stares at her, his arm falling across her legs. "Hey," he says finally, barely above a whisper.

"I forgot how painful those parties are on your body; me feet are killing me," she whines, in the way she knows will make Ryan laugh.

He laughs. "Aww come here," he says pulling her into his lap. She giggles as her runs his hands down the length of her legs. He stops at her feet.

"Aw a foot massage?!" she asks excitedly, scooting down so that her feet are in his lap. "I should get sore feet more often," she teases, laying back on the couch.

Ryan smiles and continues to massage her feet. "So did you have fun?"

"I had a blast!" she squeals, leaning up on her elbows, making him laugh. "What?"

"I never thought I'd see the day that you enjoyed a Newport party."

"Yeah well it wasn't just any party, it was my party," she laughs. "Besides is was nice to see everyone again. And Sophie is adorable Ry! You told me she was amazing but you never said she was that adorable."

"You were great with her tonight." He smiles. "She never lets just anybody read her a bedtime story. You amazed her."

"Really? You think?"

"Of course!"

"I was scared she wasn't gonna like me," she admits.

"I know you were," he laughs softly. She'd never said it out loud, but she didn't have to. "But how could she not? It's hard not to like you."

She grins. "You should know," she teases.

He smiles back and absently starts to trace patterns on her right shin rather than massaging er feet. "So you like the necklace?" he asks, noticing how she plays with it every now and then.

"I love it Ry."

"You should know..." he starts, hesitating as he fights to find the words. He knows she should know the truth behind that necklace. "I actually got that for graduation," he tells her. She looks at him then, her eyes truly curious. He looks down, but she sits up and makes him look at her. He takes a deep breath, his fingers running up and down her calf. "It was like a graduation slash birthday present. I was going to give it to you at the airport but..."

She smiles weakly and holds his free hand in hers. "I probably wouldn't have been able to leave."

"That's what I was hoping," he admits. "I mean I know you needed the break and it was something you had to do but...I didn't want you to."

"I know," she whispers.

Ryan stops himself from tracing her calf and lifts his left hand to the back of her bead to bring their lips together softly. He pulls away and traces his thumb over her lips. The swelling has gone down in the last couple of days-indicating that he hasn't kissed her enough. She catches him off guard and catches him thumb in her mouth. He smiles and shifts his position, pushing her back down onto the cushions. He parts her legs and climbs in between them, running his hand up her calf, stopping at her knee to pull her closer before running his hand down the rest of her thigh.

"There's only one thing that I REALLY want for my birthday," she says huskily.

He runs his left hand through her hair now. "What's that?"

"You."

"That I can definately do," he whispers, crashing his lips into hers.

'_Nothing's going on_,' Seth insisted when Taylor called him about her suspicions of Ryan and Marissa. '_That's not weird, that's normal_,' he said when she claimed that Ryan was distant. Ryan brooded; he doesn't talk. And trying to make light of a panicked phone call he said: '_his ex-girlfriend practically came back from the dead. He's bound to get a little weird_.' Although he'd not sure it helped much.

Then she started talking about the party. He told her not to worry about, but even he knew that the party wasn't '_nothing_'. He can't deny that he saw the Ryan looked at Marissa.

He makes sure to say that nothing was going one twice before hanging up. To calm her nerves. But he isn't so sure that he was right.


	10. Chapter 10 Ending it

_Wow, so sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been really sick with the flu for the last week so I've barely been on the computer or even out of my house for days. Thank God it's better though. Here's the next chapter, which most of you may not like very much but just bare with me okay?  
_

Ending it When You Don't Want it to End

The next day, Ryan lays awake beside a still sleeping Taylor Townsend. He glances at the clock beside her which reads 9:17. Taylor's been sleeping in late these days for someone who always gets up early- even on a Saturday. He wonders how late she stayed up waiting for him last night. Which is earlier than him-but that doesn't mean anything.

He left Marissa's at around 1 o'clock while she was sleeping. He got home at around 1:20 when Taylor was sleeping. As he climbed into the bed beside his fiancé, he wondered briefly what he'd have to tell her the next morning about his whereabouts. And when she curled into him in her sleep this time, he couldn't bring himself to hold her like he usually does. Partly out of guilt; but mostly because he'd just left Marissa's war, naked body.

Needless to say he didn't get much sleep last night.

His phone starts buzzing on the table beside him and he reaches for it, looking at the caller ID quickly. Marissa. A small smile forms on his lips and he pushes the sheets off of him and walks out into the hall, adjusting his boxers. "Hey," he whispers into the phone.

"Hey," he says softly and he can hear he smile in her voice. "I just wanted to make sure you got home okay."

"Yeah," he pauses, listening to her yawn. "Sorry. But you fell asleep on me."

"And with good reason," she teases.

He smiles, remembering their activities the previous night. He remembers kissing every part of her body until there wasn't a centimetre of her skin that he hasn't tasted. He remembers kissing her lips hard enough to make them swollen and bruised yet again.

"Okay, well that's all I really wanted," she says cheerfully.

"Oh, thanks," he says sarcastically.

"I'll see you later?"

"Yep," he says, leaning against the wall.

"Kay. Bye Ry," she says hanging up.

Ryan leaves the phone at his ear until the dial tone comes on and he closes it. He turns to walk back into the room when it starts to vibrate again. He sighs and puts it back to his ear, forgetting to check the ID. "Hello?"

"Hey man," Seth says on the other end.

"Hey Seth."

"Did I wake you?"

"Nah, I was awake," Ryan says. In fact I barely slept, he adds in his head. "What's up man?"

"Okay so Summer wants to take Taylor out for lunch so I was thinking I could go over there? Play some playstation?" Seth's voice is unusually hopeful.

"Sounds good man. Just come over whenever," he tells him. He waits for Seth to hang up before doing so himself. He walks back into the bedroom and puts his phone back onto the bedside table, glancing at Taylor. She was still sleeping. Peacefully-which he takes as a good sign. He smiles weakly to himself and disappears into the bathroom.

* * *

Marissa and Kaitlin simultaneously put their shopping bags down and sit in a table for two at South Coast Plaza in the food court. They're both ordered their lunch silently before picking out a table in a far corner.

"So Ryan's having an affair," Kaitlin says bluntly taking a bit of her vegetable salad.

Marissa almost chokes on her water in mid-sip as the words casually leave her sisters lips. She stares at Kaitlin in disbelief who absently avoids her questioning gaze.

"Yep," the younger Cooper says. She moves her gaze to look at her sister and smiles.

"H-how do you know?" the blond sister asks, stuttering over her own words. If her 18 year old sister knew this, then who else did?

"Well he's barely home anymore for one," Kaitlin says casually, through another mouthful of salad "Plus he's happy like ALL the time. I mean he's happy enough Taylor, but not like this." She looks up to peer at her sister who's purposely avoiding her gaze.

"Maybe he's just...changed," Marissa whispers. It's a lame excuse, but she has to try.

"Which is exactly why he's never this happy," Kaitlin explains. "After he got used to you not being here, he got better. Happier. But there were still moments you know? Like when he would brood when he thought no one was watching. Or sometimes if you really looked, he wasn't the same." She watches her sister as she pushes her plate away absently. "He's definately having an affair."

Marissa runs a nervous hand through her hair and leans into the back of her chair. She can't help but wonder if anyone else knows. Because if Kaitlin knows, then how easy is it to notice? Is she the only one who knows?

Kaitlin watches her sister in amusement. Deciding she'd let her suffer long enough, she takes a final bite of her salad and swallows it quickly. "With you," she tells her very shocked, very take aback older sister. "Am I right?"

Marissa looks at Kaitlin and swallows the nervous lump in her throat.

"I knew it!" Kaitlin exclaims proudly, taking her silence as a confession. She leans back into her chair. "You and Ryan are never this happy unless you're together."

"Maybe we're just friends," the nervous blond suggests, finally finding her voice.

"C'mon Rissa. Seriously? This is me you're talking to."

"Does anybody else know?" Marissa whispers.

"Just me."

"You can't tell anyone Katie!"

"Chill sis'. Your secret's safe with me," Kaitlin promises.

"Not even Taylor, especially not Taylor."

"I won't."

Marissa nods and leans forward, resting her elbows on the table, her head in her hands. She should know by now not to be surprised by her sister's intelligence. Tears sting the backs of her eyes as realization kicks in. "I'm a terrible person aren't I?"

"No, Rissa," Kaitlin says softly, reaching out to hold her hand. "I mean it's probably not the best solution, but your relationship has always been difficult and confusing. Why stop now right?"

Marissa laughs through her tears. This is why she loved Kaitlin, she isn't afraid to speak the truth, or be blunt.

* * *

Taylor and Summer slide into a booth at the diner, opposite each other. A waitress greets them almost immediately with menus and Summer thanks her. Taylor has barely said anything since they left her house. She barely said anything to Ryan after getting out of the shower. He got home late last night, after she'd gone to bed. He hadn't offered an explanation and she didn't ask. She didn't want to know. Well she does, but she's scared of the answer. Normally she would have confronted him by now, but she can't bring herself to ask him.

She takes a deep breath, preparing to ask one of the many questions burning her mind. "Are they just one of those couples that will always be a couple?" Taylor asks, absently flipping through her menu.

"Who?" Summer asks. She knows who her friend is talking about, but she asks anyway.

"Ryan and Marissa," Taylor whispers.

"Taylor....Ryan loves you."

"Yeah but he loves her more...doesn't he?" Taylor's voice is shaky and nervous and scared and she hates it. "And I mean, yesterday, the way he looked at her..." Tears threaten to betray her eyes and flow over her rims. "He doesn't look at me that way."

"Taylor," Summer says sternly, reaching for her friends hand so that she would look at her. "He's always going to love her. But he's marrying _you_."

"That doesn't matter Summer!" Taylor yells, the words coming out louder than she had intended. She looks down, embarrassed. "I'm always gonna be second best to her...I'm never gonna be good enough." As the words leave her mouth, she realizes that _that_ realization doesn't hurt quite as much as _saying_ it out loud does...

* * *

"So I need to talk to you," Seth says, breaking the last half hour of the awkward, uncomfortable silence.

After Ryan had gotten out of the shower at around 10, he found her in the kitchen. He kissed her on the lips, an action that was barely returned. Their breakfast was shared in silence-neither awkward nor comfortable. She went up for a shower at around 11 and she only told him because he asked.

When Seth and Summer showed up they stayed for a but before Summer and Taylor went their separate ways. This time she kissed him back, but only barely.

Ryan looks up at Seth and pauses their current video game. "I kinda figured that," he mumbles.

"I need you to tell me something man," Seth tells him, putting down his controller, once again, to give Ryan his full attention. "Honestly."

"Okay..." Ryan wants to laugh, to lighten the suddenly heavy mood. But he decides against it

"I hope it's nothing. But what's going on with Marissa?" Seth asks. He wants to ask 'is there anything going on?' but he knows that there is something-even if he hopes it's nothing.

Ryan looks down, because he knows that guilt will be written all over his face-especially in his eyes.

Seth sighs as Ryan looks down because it could only mean one thing. "Ryan...I thought you ended it man..."

"I did-I tried..."Ryan trails off and raises his gaze to his brothers. He expects to find Seth angry, but he isn't. He's...confused; worried, even. "I can't," he says honestly.

Now it's Seth's turn to look down. Ryan isn't the kind of man to cheat on a girlfriend, whether he loved her or not. And normally Seth wouldn't understand, but he does. He wants to, but can't deny the fact that it IS Marissa. And when it comes to Marissa, it's like Ryan is a whole other person. In high school, when they were together they were REALLY together, and when they weren't together, they were still together...

Ryan sighs. "Having her back is like...having my life back man."

"I get it man..." Seth sighs. There's so many things wrong with the situation, but there's so many more things right and even he knows that. He knows that ever since Marissa came back, Ryan was happier-like truly happy. He's been more outgoing, less broody... There was a time when Seth would've done anything to have Ryan and Marissa be together; to have the Core Four be together. But this, he knows, is wrong. "I do get it. But you can't do this. You either have to end it with her, or with Taylor. Because you can't have both."

"I know," Ryan says, barely above a whisper. "How do I do that? How do I know who to choose man?" He leans back into the couch, crossing his arms over his chest as if to protect himself-an action Seth has seen too many times since the accident.

Seth follows and falls into the back of his chair. "I don't know..."

* * *

For the past hour, Ryan has sat in complete and total silence. Human silence. The only sounds he could hear-vaguely-hear is the sound of the ocean hitting the rocks nearby and faint sounds of teenagers further down the beach. Although he's glad that the lifeguard tower is still around-because he doesn't know what he'd do if they ever took it down-he's also surprised. He's the only one who really uses it; because it holds significance for him... and for Marissa. _'You're not alone this time'_.

Her voice is sweet and soft and exactly what he needs to hear in his ear as the memories of her come flooding back. Especially their moments after the shooting, the day on the beach where they had snuck away and made out for almost an hour at the side of the lifeguard tower, the couple of minutes before the carnival, the night after Trey had left for the last time.

He shuts his eyes tightly, to drown out the memories; the pictures of her face, the sound of her voice, the feeling of her skin under his fingers; he lips on his. If he wants to think-and really think to make a decision between his fiancé and his Marissa, he has to stop thinking of her like that.

How is he supposed to choose? He loves both of them. He loves Taylor because she's Taylor; she's quirky and confident and weird and he likes that. She had saved him from himself after the accident-after Volchok. Taylor can tell him how he feels, what he's thinking before he knows it himself. Taylor loved him enough to stay, to put up with him everything after the accident.

And he loves Marissa because...she's Marissa. They are Ryan and Marissa. She is his. Always. She's innocent and fun and carefree and he loves it. She's dysfunctional. He loves her dysfunction; their dysfunction. He loves how she never tried to change him, but had embraced the changes he had made. She saved him from Chino; from a life that was giving him nothing. She doesn't need words to understand him-all she needs is a look, and a look she'd give back. She loved him enough to let him go back to Chino that summer with Theresa-to make herself understand even though she didn't want to. Even though it nearly killed her. She loved him enough to shoot his brother, to save his life...and to let him save hers.

He's so deeply in love with Marissa; and it scares him. It's always scared him. It doesn't scare him anymore that he loves Taylor. He owes them both so much...

Ryan rubs a rough hand over his tired, frustrated, depressed face. He paces in his and Taylors living room, waiting. His decision was made and now all he has to do is break the news...to Marissa. At the thought of her name, his stomach drops and he feels as though he's going to be sick. He wishes he could wait (so that he isn't doing it so soon after her birthday) but he knows if he waits, he'll chicken. He wishes he didn't have to do it at his house but he knows that if he goes over to her place he'll chicken out. And he can't chicken out. As much as he's dreading that he's about to do-because all he wants to do is curl up with her in her bed and hold her until...forever-but he can't. Not if he wanted it to work with Taylor. And it has to work with Taylor; he owes her so much. So much.

At the sound of a soft knock on the door, his heart drops, knowing its Marissa. He takes a deep breath and hesitates momentarily before opening the door. What he's greeted with is like a punch in the face-her hair is in beautiful soft curls, her face glowing in the sunlight. He groans inwardly.

Marissa stands on his doorstep smiling widely as he opens the door. She can tell that something is up, but she keeps her smile. She knows by now that if he wants to tell her, he will, but until then she'll keep the mood light. He steps aside and she walks past him. "You think me being here is a good idea? 'Cause I know for a fact that Taylor isn't my biggest fan so if she sees me, she's definately gonna think something's going on Ry." Her tone is sort of playful in the mischievous kind of way, but also serious.

Ryan closes the door and follows her into the living room. He scratches the back of his neck nervously. "Actually that's why you're here," he says watching her sit down on the couch. "We need to talk."

"Uh-oh," she giggles half-heartedly in order to not give away how nervous she really is. "Those are the four most feared words in the English language."

"About us..." he mumbles, his voice nearly faltering in the end.

"Even worse," she whispers sadly.

Ryan looks away, unable to watch her any longer, fearing that if he did he'd surrender. "We can't do this 'Riss. Not anymore." He flinches internally as the words leave his mouth. What happened to never doing this again, he thinks to himself. Taylor happened. "I mean, I have Taylor and I do love her. I'm getting married in a few months and...It's not fair-to either of you." The words rush out of his mouth so that he doesn't have to think about them, so that he can't take them back.

Marissa feels her heart drop and she drops her gaze to stare at her lap rather than the man who is finally looking at her. She bites her lip to keep her tears at bay. She's prepared herself mentally for when this would happen, but matter how many times she tried, she couldn't be prepared emotionally. "Okay," she whispers uneasily.

He takes a tentative step towards her. "If it was any other time or place-"

"It's okay," she interrupts him quickly. "I understand..."

"I'm sorry," he mumbles softly. God, he has a lot to be sorry for-for her, for him for Taylor.

She pushes herself to her feet, meeting his eye level. "Can I um... One last kiss? And I'll leave, before Taylor comes home?"

He instinctively grabs her around the waist and pulls her body into him, pressing his lips into hers, savouring everything he can. He can feel hot tears running down her cheeks, touching his. He pulls away and instinctively grabs her face in his hands and wipes her tears away.

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

"Oh my God."

Taylor's voice makes them jump apart. Ryan looks down guiltily, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"I'm-I have to go," Marissa mumbles, grabbing her purse and leaving, tears streaking down her cheeks.

"I knew it," Taylor whispers as soon as the front door shuts.

"Taylor-" Ryan starts, stepping towards her.

"I knew you were sleeping with her!" she screams, pushing Ryan away from her with closed fists.

"It's over Taylor," he tells her stepping towards her again. "I'm done, that's why she was here-"

"To kiss you good-bye?!" her voice cracks at the end and she walks around him. "I'll never be good enough, I'll be in 2nd place-God, even when she was dead I was in 2nd place!" she falls onto the couch, burying her face in her hands.

"Taylor listen to me," he says softly. He kneels down in front of her and grabs her hands in his. "I love you Taylor-"

"And Marissa?"

He reaches up, still clutching her hand in his, and wipes her cheeks dry. "Is in the past. I left her Taylor...I wanna make this work. Please, I can't lose you." His voice is desperate. He needs to make it work. He can't lose Taylor too.

"Why'd you do it?"

"I...for the longest time I just wanted her to be alive SO bad and then there she was. I wanted to hold onto it." He pauses, not telling her that he's still in love with Marissa-too in love with Marissa. She rests her forehead on his. "I wanna make us work. Okay?"

Taylor nods. She isn't sure is she's just desperate or what, but this is the first sign of honestly he's shown her in a really, really long time.

* * *

The next day Ryan wakes up to a naked Taylor Townsend. He's been so busy noticing how perfect his and Marissa's bodies fit together that he forgot how good Taylor felt too. Not as perfect, but almost.

He runs down the beach to clear his head after a nice early breakfast with Taylor. He isn't sure how he feels-whether it's guilty or relieved. He slows down the closer he gets to the lifeguard tower to find Marissa sitting on the wooden floor. "Hey," he says softly walking up the ramp.

Marissa looks at him and wipes her eyes and cheeks dry with the sleeve of his old Harbour sweater. "Hey."

"Mind if I sit down?"

"No, go ahead. This is your place too."

He sits down next to her. He wants to put his arm around her, or between her legs to comfort her. To protect her from what HE did to her. But he can't. "Nice sweater," he says, smiling at her, trying to lighten the mood.

"Thanks," she laughs. "Stole it from my ex."

"I'm sure he won't mind," he laughs back.

Marissa nods, but refuses to look at him. "So is everything okay? With Taylor?"

"Yeah. Sort of. We're working on it," he stutters.

"So then it's over," she mumbles, more to herself than to him. "It's really, really over."

"Yeah." Ryan looks at her, watching as she battles against the tears threatening to fall. "We had our time though right? And it was amazing."

"For the most part," she adds. She takes a deep breath. "Do you think we would've made it though? If everything had gone the way it was supposed to, do you think we would've made it?"

"Yeah I do," he admits immediately. "I think we would've killed it."

Marissa laughs and rests her head on his shoulder. "We can still be friends right?"

"Definately."

* * *

_Thanks for reading. I'll try and post soon!_


	11. Chapter 11 Not Running, But Crawling

_Alright so here's the next chapter! Here's where the drama starts, and I can assure you it doesn't end here. Also, just a note, it's going to take a while for Ryan to really realize the effects this is having one him, so hang in there!_

Not Running, But Crawling

Marissa Cooper isn't running. She's just moving on. The past couple of weeks (since Ryan ended their affair) has been nothing but awkward-if not completely non-existent. Before a couple days ago Marissa had done everything she could to avoid being alone with Ryan. Summer said that despite the awkwardness of the situation, Ryan and Marissa were getting along just fine-but that was because they hadn't been talking. A couple days ago Julie and Kirsten had thrown their annual Newmatch party at the Cohens-for singles AND couples. And of course Kaitlin dragged her, and of course Ryan and Taylor had to be there acting like a happy couple. Until they noticed her presence, something she'd been dreading he minute she had arrived. She managed to avoid a confrontation with Ryan for the better part of the party. And just when she thought she'd get through the whole night without one, he pulled her into the corner. He'd seen her talking to Taylor-apologizing. He didn't understand why she could talk to his fiancé and not him. Needless to say, a fight broke out and she went to find solace in the poolhouse; the only place, apart from the lifeguard tower that has ever made sense to her summer joined her shortly after and it occurred o the blond that her and Ryan knew how to love each other, how to hate each other, but they didn't know how to do anything in between.

The next day Ryan apologized. That very same day Marissa told Summer and Julie and Kaitlin and Taylor (because she happened to be in the same room) that she was leaving. They cried and asked her not to, but they understood. Marissa HAD to leave. The only way for her life to go back to normal (for Ryan's to be normal), for her to get over the past, to move out-was to leave. She'd never be over it; over Ryan, but she could still move one. Outside of Newport-that's the only way she'd be able to move on.

The only person who doesn't know yet is Ryan. She'd made them promise not to say anything to him. She has to be the one to tell him. She has to find the right time.

"Coop?!" Summers voice rings through her apartment, pulling her out of her thoughts; her head."Are you here?"

"Bedroom!" Marissa calls out to her bestfriend.

Summer walks into Marissa's room to find her (once again) packing up her life. She looks around he room at all of the things that are so familiar that it feels like her own life, yet so foreign that she feels like she barely knows her bestfriend. Ryan and Marissa had shared this bed, this room, this apartment for months and she hadn't even noticed. "So you're really leaving...."

"Yeah," Marissa whispers softly.

Summer sits next to the blond haired, blue-eyed, long-legged, polar-opposite looking of a bestfriend. "I can't believe you're leaving," she says, looking at the picture of the two five year old girls in Marissa's hands. She looks at Marissa, who's fighting so hard against the tears shining in her eyes. "Have you told Ryan?"

"Not yet....I can't tell him alone, he'll cause a scene." She giggles softly, trying to lighten the mood.

"Please, scene and drama are your guys' middle names," Summer laughs before becoming serious again. "You know he's not gonna be happy right?"

"I know...."

"And not just because you waiting this long to tell him."

"I'm telling him tonight, at Kirsten's."

"Hmmm, lots of people, los of food...maybe you'll get through this without a scene after all."

Marissa grins. Tonight is a Cohen 'family' dinner. So that means that dinner included the Cohens (all generations), the Coopers and the soon to be Atwood's....

* * *

For almost an hour, Marissa does anything and everything she can to avoid having to tell him. She's chickening out. She's helped Kirsten cook, she's helped clean and now her latest aversion is to help little Sophie Cohen find a dress 'dinner appropriate'.

"Can I call you Coop like Summy does?" the 3 year old asks, pulling her newest idol up the stairs towards her room.

"Um...well I dunno. I'd like to say yes, but it's really up to aunt Summer."

"I can ask her?!" Sophie squeals excitedly and bounces onto her bed while Marissa rummages through her closet.

"Of course!" Marissa laughs. She pulls out a frilly pink dress. "Here, go try this on." She watches as the little girl runs into her closet to put on her dress. She sits down on the edge of her bed and looks around the room. It looks like hers did when she was little. And she wonders briefly what happened to that life. The care-free life she barely remembered; barely knew. She grew up, she supposes. She fell in love.

"How do I look?"

"Just like a princess," Marissa smiles.

"Really?!"

"Really," a lower voice says from behind them.

"Ryan!" Sophie squeals running to him.

Marissa watches as Ryan throws the little girl into the hair and catches her playfully.

"You look beautiful Soph."

"Just like 'Rissa Coop! I'm gonna go ask Summy!"

Ryan laughs and puts down the little girl just in time for her to run off down the hall. "Hey," she says softly to the beautiful woman in front of him.

"Hi..." she whispers, playing with her fingers.

"You're really growing on her you know?"

Marissa looks down, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear nervously.

Ryan watches her briefly and swallows deeply. "Dinner's almost ready."

"Guess what!" Sophie yells jumping into Ryan's arms again and making herself comfortable. "Summy said I can call you Coop!!"

"Excellent!" Marissa laughs.

"That's a privilege Soph. Nobody's allowed to call her Coop but Aunt Summ."

"And me! I am too! Oh and mommy says dinner's ready."

A little while later everyone is gathered in the backyard at the long glass table. Sandy sits in his usual spot at the head of the table, Kirsten to his right, followed by Sophie Marissa Kaitlin and Julie on the end. To Sandy's left are Seth, Summer Ryan and then Taylor. Figures that Marissa would have to sit directly in front of Ryan.

"This looks amazing Kiki," Taylor gushes, holding Ryan's hand.

"Thanks Taylor," Kirsten smiles.

"Doesn't taste half bad either," Seth laughs, and Summer punches him in return. "Ow, what? It's a compliment."

Marissa smiles looking around at her friends and family. She missed this, which briefly makes her wonder why she's leaving. Briefly.

"So Marissa, when do you leave?" Kirsten asks, oblivious to the fact that the 22 year old hasn't yet told Ryan.

"Um....two days," she says quietly, avoiding Ryan's gaze. She's well aware of his eyes on her. Too aware.

"Leaving?" Ryan asks, staring at Marissa Cooper. She won't look at him and it's starting to freak him out a little bit. Surely she doesn't mean _leaving_? "Leaving where?" he asks sternly. When she doesn't answer he looks around the table and not even his family will look at him. A muscle in his jaw tightens as Taylor squeezes his hand. "Somebody tell me what's going on."

"I'm leaving," Marissa whispers, raising her gaze to his finally.

"Where? Why?"

"I have to go back..." she says dropping her gaze. Last time those words were said, Ryan was going back to Chino with Theresa...

"Wha-no. You can't," he protests, dropping his hand from Taylors. He's well aware of everyone watching them, none of them moving. But he never takes his eyes off of Marissa.

"I have to go," she says quickly, pushing herself to her feet as everyone looks on helplessly. "Thanks for dinner." She turns to leave, trying desperately to ignore Sophie's quiet sobs. Sophie hates fighting.

Ryan flies out of his chair without any hesitation and grabs her arm to spin her around before she can reach the steps leading down to the patio. "Don't do this," he pleads quietly.

"Ryan-"

"You don't have to do this."

Her heart breaks at the desperation in his voice and she looks down, her back to the others. She can't bear to see the look in his eyes. "Yes I do."

"Why?" he demands, dropping her arm finally.

"You really don't get it do you?"

"Get what?"

"I don't fit anymore-"

"Of course you do!" He yells, interrupting her.

"No I don't! You've got this life that I'm no longer apart of-"

"You can be," he insists, taking a step towards her.

She shakes her head and steps back from him, afraid and nervous. "I have to do this," she whispers.

"What, like last time?!" he practically screams at her. He can hear Sophie's sobs and Kirsten's attempts to calm her but he doesn't register it. "The whole reason any of this happened was because-"

"Of me!" Marissa yells. "All the more reason to leave."

"You're the one who doesn't get it," he spits out bitterly. "Your mom and Kate were devastated! Summer ran as far as possible and I...I fell apart Riss. You know that."

"I can't stay..." she whispers, trying to walk past him but he steps in front of her and pushes her back softly, much like the time in Arturo's room and Theresa's wedding shower.

"You keep saying that, so who are you trying to convince? Me or you?" he watches her, waiting for a response-spoken or otherwise. Hell right now, a slap in the face would be better than this deafening silence. He glances at the others who are watching them in return. He doesn't blame them for not fighting her on this, hell; he doesn't want to fight her either. But he can't let her walk away like this. And he knows that what he's about to say to the woman in front of him is wrong and unfair (especially considering he chose Taylor) but he also knows that sometimes with Marissa, you have to be cruel. And he's desperate. "The last time your dad left you thought he was coward for running away," he says coolly, looking back at her now.

Her head snaps up, in shock and anger. "I'm not running away!"

"Then what, Marissa? What are you doing?!" he yells back.

"I'm moving on," she says calmly. "If I don't do this now...this place will ruin my life."

"This place, or me?" he asks, swallowing the nervous lump in his throat. He's afraid of her answer.

She looks at him disbelievingly. Is he really questioning his role in her life? "You've never been a regret, or a bad anything. You're one of the few things in my life I'm proud of Ryan. You're one of the only good decisions I've ever made. But I can't do this...I can't be here anymore-"

"We can help you Riss."

She shakes her head. "I have to do this on my own."

"No," he pleads. His eyes search hers desperately.

"I need you to let me go."

"No," he says again-this time sternly.

She closes her eyes, knowing that what she's about to say is totally unfair. But it's the only way. "Ryan if you love me, if you've ever loved me... then let me go."

"That's not fair," he mumbles, shrinking away from her as if she'd physically hit him.

"I can't leave without-"

"Then don't go!"

"Ry-" she starts, tears trickling down her cheeks.

"You know what, you stay. I lost my appetite." He turns his back on her and leaves, without so much as a glance at the people at the table watching. He ignores Taylor's pleas for him to stop and Sophie's cries to be held by her brother and Kate who tries to stop him. And he ignores Marissa sobs, which even though are quiet and muffled into Summer's shoulder, he can hear above everything else.

* * *

By the time Ryan got home, he realized that he'd stranded Taylor with no ride home. He thinks about going to get her or calling Seth to drive her, but he decides he doesn't care how she gets home. She lied to him. She knew about this and she lied to him. He can understand them hiding it from him; keeping it from him because they were over protective of his feelings and reactions. But Taylor? No.

His thoughts quickly change to Marissa. How can she even think about leaving? Again? Has she learnt nothing? Did it mean nothing to her? She's the one that came here looking for a reason and she that she's found it-all of them- she's going to leave it all behind? Again? He doesn't get it. The moving on part he gets, it's everything else-like why she has to do it on the other side of the country.

Before he knows it, it's going on 9 o'clock and Taylor walks through their front door, watching him hesitantly. He sees her, even in the dark (he never bothered to turn on the lights) but he doesn't acknowledge her.

Taylor knows he's ignoring her. She knows he's angry. She doesn't know who he's angrier at though; her or Marissa. After Ryan left, Summer ran straight to a balling Marissa and despite her best efforts, Taylor had felt bad for her. She couldn't help it, because here is a girl who's trying to move on both for herself and for Ryan (and Taylor) and she's being yelled at for it. But still, she doesn't blame Ryan; none of them do. In fact they'd all been surprised at how tame their fight had been, having expected a much bigger blow-out. Once she and Summer had managed to calm Marissa, they took her home and finished their meal in almost total silence. Not even Seth, everyone's favourite comic relief, could be comical.

She approaches him slowly, hesitantly. "Are you okay?" she asks softly, sitting next to him on the couch.

"You lied to me," he whispers. It's more of a weak desperate question than an accusation.

She looks down at her hands lying in her lap. "Technically I didn't lie-"

"Okay fine. But you kept it from me," he says, his voice wavering on the line between angry and hurt.

"She asked us to."

Ryan runs a hand roughly through his hair and jumps to his feet. "Them, I can understand Taylor, but you? You don't even like her!"

"I don't not like her, I just-"

"You should've told me."

"I know," she whispers pushing herself to her feet to face him. "I'm sorry." She bites her lip nervously and Ryan finds himself looking away as she hugs him. "She's sorry you know? She's not trying to hurt you."

Although Ryan knows this, it doesn't save him from feeling it. He pulls away from her and sends her an apologetic glance before shoving his hand into his pocket and producing his car keys. "I can't let her leave. I have to go."

Taylor watches him leave without a single word of protest. This is his last chance to convince her to stay and she can't deny him that-despite the rational part of her brain wanting to stop him.

* * *

Marissa lies down on the couch, a blanket wrapped around her. The television is on, but the sound was off. Since her and Ryan broke up, she hasn't been able to sleep in her bed, so she was back on the couch. The living room now serves four purposes; a living room, a bed room, a dining room and the room in which she stored her already packed boxes. Homey. She hears a soft knock on her door and she sighs as she gets up to answer it. Without thinking she pulls it open to reveal a visibly upset and hurt and shaking Ryan. "Ryan what are you-"

Ryan walks past her and into the living room. He acknowledges the boxes upon boxes of her things, but he ignore them. "You can't leave."

She sighs and closes the door. "Ryan-"

"Forget about me and what I need. What about your mom? Or Kate? Or Summer?"

"They understand," she insists weakly.

"And Sophie?" he asks, sucking on his breath. It's a low blow and he knows it, but it has to be said.

"She's four, she'll get over it," she says softly. In a couple of years, Sophie Cohen won't even remember her one time idol and as much as it hurts, it's for the best. "And so will you," she chokes out.

Ryan closes his eyes at the mere thought of 'getting over it'. It isn't going to happen. He opens his eyes again to look at her, her cheeks wet with tears. "What can I do to make you stay?"

When she doesn't answer, he steps towards her. She looks away from him and without any notice or hesitation, he kisses her. He kisses her hard and pushes her into the door behind her-almost roughly. He presses his body into hers, kissing her desperately, his pent up feelings, his love, his passion, his love is evident.

She kisses back, opening her mouth to let him in. She knows it's wrong; to kiss him back, but her senses are going into overdrive. It's always been impossible to deny him. Before she even registers what's happened, he's got her on her back on the bed-their bed. His lips travel down her neck as his hands slide up her thigh and under her shirt. He pulls the thin fabric over her head and keeps it clutched in his hand, holding himself up. Before his lips can touch her again she pushes him away and grabs her shirt, holding it to her chest. "I can't," she whispers.

He hears her, and he lets her push him off, but he doesn't wanna listen. And he knows it's a low blow and he knows it's wrong to use this as a reason for her to stay, but it's the only thing he has left. So her climbs on top of her and kisses her neck; her throat. His lips travel along her collar bone and down her chest. If she pushes him away again then he'll admit defeat, but until then he isn't leaving. And when she arches her back to him he takes this as his acceptance.

But it's not like it's supposed to be. It's not slow and patient. And although it's still passionate and lustful, it's angry and fast and hard. Really hard. And it's desperate. And when it's over, he collapses onto of her, both of them struggling to breathe properly. He rolls off of her and she pulls the sheets to her body, holding them tightly. When she doesn't curl into him like she always does, he knows he's lost. So he gets dressed and leaves, not able to look at her as he does so. And he realizes just how wrong it was. What's even worse is how he turns around and pretends it never happened with Taylor.

* * *

After Ryan leaves, Marissa takes a shower, changes into a pair of pyjama's and curls up on the couch before crying herself to sleep. No, Marissa Cooper is not running. She's crawling.

* * *

_Oh my god, this is killing me too. I promise to post way more often to get the end out there!  
_

* * *


	12. Chapter 12 This Isn't Goodbye

_Okay here we go! More drama, more Marissa, more Ryan and more Taylor. Drunk Ryan makes another appearance, and Taylor is very understanding...and nice. You'll see why soon enough! Enjoyy.  
_

This Isn't Goodbye

The next morning Marissa wakes up extra early to finish packing. The couch and the bed frame can wait for the movers. Easy enough. Kaitlin comes over around lunch time and drags her out to the diner. She only realizes just how hungry she really is when they get there and she remembers that she hadn't eaten yesterday. She doesn't talk about the previous day and Kaitlin doesn't ask. Which is fine with her because then she'd have to explain what happened with Ryan last night. And how is she supposed to explain that?

She looks up at her little sister, who's watching her expectantly. "What?"

"You don't have to go, you know," Kaitlin says simply.

"Katie you know I do."

"But you could stay," the younger Cooper says softly. "Ryan's right, we'll help you."

Marissa sighs. "That's all I've ever done-let people help me. I need to do this on my own."

Kaitlin looks down at her food and things fall quiet. She looks back up at her sister who's playing with her food. "He'll come around." Marissa looks at her. "I know he's angry and upset but he will come around."

"Yeah but when?"

"I dunno, maybe at the party tonight?" the young Cooper suggests, receiving an actual smile. "He's scared Rissa. He's already thought you were gone forever and now...he's scared to let you go again." She pauses as Marissa shifts uncomfortably. "I mean we all are, sort of, but you know him...he's always said that you were the only person he thought would never leave him...and-his words, not mine- now you're leaving him all over again."

"You're trying to make me feel bad," Marissa says. It's more of a statement than a question.

"No, of course not. I'm just telling you how he feels."

The blond rolls her eyes dramatically and goes back to eating.

Kaitlin smiles. "Is it working?" she asks, receiving a glare from the other Cooper sister. "It was worth the shot."

* * *

No matter how many times he thinks it through, no matter how many time he tries, he can't understand it. He doesn't understand how she can pack up her life and leave again. Doesn't she get by now that he needs her? That they all need her? She tried leaving once, almost died and then found her way back. And now she's trying again? And he knows that it's stupid and that what happened last time wouldn't happen this time, but the though it still there. And he doesn't understand why they aren't trying to stop her. He doesn't understand how they can just step back and let her do this like last time. Hell, last time he had stood back too. He didn't want to; he wanted to stand in her way and never let her walk away, but he didn't. He stood back and he supported her, even though it killed him- which nearly killed her. This time he can't support her-he can't fight anymore, but he sure as hell won't support her.

Hence the reason why he's sitting in his office at home while Taylor runs around the house to get ready for the party. Marissa's going away party; a party Ryan refuses to attend. Truth be told, he isn't even working-technically- but he's pretend to if it means he doesn't have to go.

"What are you doing?"

Ryan looks up to see Taylor standing in his door, wearing a black floor length dress, her hair straight and casual around her face. He wants to smile at her appearance, but he can't. "Working," he says, looking back down at his blueprints.

"You're supposed to be getting ready," she tells him walking into the room, taking note of his sweatpants and casual t-shirt.

"I'm not going."

"What do you mean you're not going?"

"Just that," he says raising his gaze to follow her around the room. "I'm staying here. You're more than welcome to go, but I'm not."

"Ryan it's her going away party! You can't not go." As the words leave her mouth, she's almost shocks even herself. A few weeks ago she would've done anything to keep him away from her...

He pushes his chair out and leans into it. "I'm not gonna go and pretend I'm okay with it when I'm not!"

Taylor sighs and sits on the edge of his desk. "You don't have to pretend to do anything. Nobodies asking you to...she isn't asking you to."

Ryan sighs and closes him eyes.

"If you don't go, you'll regret it-and you know that," she whispers softly. "Besides, after everything that's happened between you guys...she deserves at least a goodbye."

Ryan bites his lip in frustration. She's right. He has to go-even if he doesn't want to. He takes deep, shaky breath. "Okay."

* * *

He walks in, Taylor's hand tightly clasped in his. He really doesn't want to be here. He wants to be at home, in the comfort of his office, blocking out the fact that the love of his life is leaving. Again. He doesn't want to see her. He doesn't want to give her the satisfaction of showing up, because he knows she wants him to.

He sees her off in the distance, beyond the patio doors talking to a girl from high school-Sarah? Maybe. He isn't exactly sure-then again, he doesn't exactly care. Despite being angry at her and hurt, he lets his eyes travel over her-taking in her presence. God, why does she have to be so damn beautiful? She's wearing a white, strapless dress that hugs every curve perfectly. Mid-way down her thighs it flows out graciously. She's wearing silver flats and her hair is done casually-but perfectly. And of course she's wearing the necklace he gave her.

He tears his eyes away from hr and focuses on Taylor. He tries to listen in on the conversation she's having with another woman-to pay attention-but he can't. All he can think about is Marissa, and how ironic it seems that the one person who was never supposed to leave him, is the only person who is about to leave him for a second time.

"Hey..."

He freezes at the sound of her soft, perfect, hesitant voice. Part of him wants to turn around and yell at her. Part of him wants to turn around and hold onto her so she _can't_ leave. But a bigger part, the part that wins, has to walk away. And so he does, leaving both Marissa and Taylor alone. Maybe Sandy still has that punching bag?

Marissa frowns as Ryan walks away from her, without even looking at her. She should've guessed he wouldn't speak to her voluntarily. She half expects him to turn around and drag Taylor away from her to prevent them from talking, but he doesn't even do that. He's very quickly turning into the guy she doesn't know...

"It's nothing personal you know," Taylor says, feeling an odd need to comfort the woman who had slept with her fiancé-countless times.

"I know," Marissa whispers. "Do you think he'll ever forgive me?"

"The minute your plane takes off."

Marissa smiles weakly at the woman in front of her. A woman who should hate her with every ounce of her body...but doesn't. She feels terrible-especially after what happened last night. And she isn't supposed to leave him...but it's for the best right?

A little over an hour later and numerous glasses of alcohol later (like a true Atwood) Ryan Atwood stands, slightly tipsy, by the bar nursing yet another drink. It isn't vodka-and it doesn't burn like he'd like it to, but it's okay. Avoiding Marissa is easy; avoiding everyone else is easier said than done.

He guesses he should be used to this by now-the whole idea of people leaving. Besides, wasn't it his 16 year old self that said 'everyone leaves eventually'? Man, 16 year old Ryan Atwood was smart. First it was his dad, then his mom, then Lindsey, then Trey, then Sadie, then...hell even Volchok left! But this is different. This is a different kind of pain-a kind he didn't feel when they had left.

"Are you okay?"

He turns to face a very suspicious and worried looking Kaitlin Cooper. "I'm great," he mumbles sarcastically, silently hoping that he hadn't slurred his words. But he knows he did.

"You don't have to pretend with me Ryan," she says softly.

"Who's pretending?" he asks loudly, not even bothering to acknowledge the fact that most eyes are now on him. "I'm absolutely great Kate!" he swings his arms around her shoulders.

"Are you drunk?" Kaitlin asks, a little bit louder than she had intended.

He ignores her and takes a sip of his drink. He notices Kaitlin send an alarming look towards Julie and Summer who make their way over quickly.

"Is everything okay?" Julie asks, clearly worried.

"Fine," he slurs. He doesn't care anymore if he sounds drunk out of his mind. "Great, even! We're saying goodbye to the one person that means everything to us! I'm perfect!" he ignore the disapproving glares for his behaviour, and the worried/pity glance from everyone watching. Anybody who wasn't watching before, is definately watching now.

Summer rests her hand on his shoulder, but he shrugs it off. "Okay, Atwood, we need you to calm down."

"Calm down?!" he yells, stepping back from them. "How can you guys be so _calm_? She's fucking leaving! And you're _letting_ her!"

Seth walks up behind him and grabs his arms. "Ryan, buddy-"

Ryan shrugs him off angrily and easily. "You don't even care."

Julie shakes her head. "Of course we care-"

"Then why are you letting this happen?" he asks, his voice desperate; pleading.

"What are we supposed to do Ryan?"

"I don't know!" he yells and takes a deep breath to calm himself down as he sways on his feet. "I dunno..."

"Ryan..." Marissa whispers, her voice shaking as she stands behind him.

"Don't," he says sternly, turning around to glare at her. "Don't even talk to me." He turns on his heel and walks-stumbles, rather-away from them, away from her. He pushes the door to the poolhouse open roughly and slams it shut so hard, even his drunk self is surprised the glass doesn't shatter. He puts his almost empty glass on the table next to the bed and lowers himself onto the mattress. For the first time, he curses the fact that the bed is so low, and he puts his head in his hands, desperately trying to ignore the memories that poolhouse offers. Even today, the poolhouse makes sense to him; even when it shouldn't. He wants to go back out and apologize to them, to her. But he can't.

Meanwhile outside in the backyard, after watching Ryan Atwood stumble away, and after hearing the door slam shut, the Newpsies go back to their own conversations.

Marissa isn't sure what to do. She tries her best to avoid the looks of her family; Ryan's family. She's afraid to see the disappointment, the disapproval in their eyes. After all, she is the reason he's so angry and drunk. She is the reason he won't talk to them. And she wants nothing more than to disappear, than to leave and go home and sleep. But she can't, because this is her party. Her 'going away' party.

Taylor wants to go find him and say something, anything. But what is she, of all people, supposed to say?

Seth and Sandy know well enough to leave him alone. To let him think, to let him calm down. Sandy even thinks about getting his punching bag from the garage.

Kaitlin, Summer and Kirsten try to comfort Marissa. They know that he'll calm down...they just aren't sure when.

Julie is angry. She's angry at Ryan for thinking that she doesn't care that her daughter is leaving. She's angry that he assumes that she didn't try to talk her out of it. And she's angry that he's drinking, that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't convince her to stay. She makes her way to the poolhouse and walks in without knocking. She wonders if he hears her, or if he's just ignoring her. The anger melts away as she looks at the love of her daughter's life, lying back on the bed. He's hurting. Now it's her turn to tell him about Marissa, to remind him of what he already knows. "Mind if I join you?"

"Yes," he mumbles from his position on the bed.

"Too bad." Julie sits next to him on the bed and he sits up reluctantly. "She's like a free spirit you know. She's always done what she wanted when she wanted." She looks at him out of the corner of her eye and she can see him nodding slightly, his head hanging. "If she started listening to me now, she wouldn't be my daughter."

Ryan swallows the thick lump in his throat. A familiar-oddly honest- voice floats through his mind. _'She listens to you'_. He wants to tell her she's wrong, but he can't find the words.

"And she wouldn't be the woman you fell in love with."

Ryan looks up at her and smiles weakly. She smiles back and they both find it strange that they are able to comfort each other so easily now. Who would've thought that when he first came to Newport, Ryan Atwood and Julie Cooper would eventually become close? He looks down again. "Nice speech."

"I save them for when they matter."

Silence falls between them, but neither make a move to leave. Ryan lets out a long shaky breath and clears his throat. "She's leaving because I chose Taylor."

"She understands," Julie tells him.

"Good, 'cause I don't," he mumbles. He scratches the back of his neck. "I mean I get _why_ I chose her, I just don't get _how_," he says honestly.

"It's just...time to move on."

"I don't want her to move on," he blurts out. "I don't even want to. Too late though right?"

Julie looks down and plays with her hands. She has no idea what to say to that.

"You should go," he mumbles, his fingers slipping around his glass as she silently obeys. He thinks he should really stop drinking when he's upset-because he talks way too much... he raises his glass to his lips and swallows the remaining liquid. To Marissa Cooper.

* * *

He can't sleep. No matter how hard he tries, or how long he keeps his eyes shut waiting for sleep to take over so he doesn't have to think about it anymore, he can't sleep. It's nearing 1 o'clock in the morning and he's still wide awake, while Taylor sleeps next to him.

He should be sleep right now, because although he didn't have enough alcohol to pass out completely, he definately had enough to make him tired. He sighs, glancing sideways at Taylor. She looks so beautiful and soft and peaceful, yet he can't stop thinking about Marissa. But he refuses to wonder if he made the wrong decision, because it's too late now. Instead he thinks that maybe it isn't Marissa that hasn't learned anything. Maybe it's him. He's constantly changing his mind and constantly making the wrong choice. He chose Theresa over her-and then when he tried to fix it, he was forced back to Chino. He chose Sadie over her and she 'died' before he had the chance to fix it. And now he's chosen Taylor. Maybe he's the one who's screwed up...

He shakes his head and sits up, bringing his legs over the edge of the bed. God he misses her. He misses her and she isn't even gone yet. He grabs his phone off of the table and flips it open immediately searching her name on the speed-dial. He stares at the letters on the screen for a good five minutes before pressing 'send message'. He needs her; he needs to see her. One last time. Not caring how mad he is or how hurt he is, or how mad Taylor will be, he types the message, slowly because it's too painful to move any faster, and hits the send button. He doesn't need to tell her where, because she already knows.

Marissa lays awake, staring at the ceiling from her living room couch. She can't sleep. She knows she should be, because tomorrow would be a long day, but it's more like sleep is impossible. She can't get the image of Ryan's sad, desperate, painful face glaring at her, or the sound of his pleading voice out of her head.

The whole time they'd had the affair, she'd hoped and wished that he would choose her. She had a feeling that he wouldn't, because he would do the noble thing and marry Taylor because he 'owes' her and because Taylor deserves to be happy with him and she knew that, but she still hoped. Because maybe Marissa also deserved to be happy with him. Because maybe they could've finally had their happy ending-like she's always wanted. It wouldn't matter if they were rich or poor, if they lived in a mansion or a trailer or a poolhouse-because she'd been there and having Ryan made it that much better. But she doesn't have Ryan. Taylor does.

She can hear her phone buzzing on the coffee table and she frowns. It's 1 o'clock in the morning-who would be up at 1 o'clock in the morning? She opens it to find one new message. From Ryan. Confused, she sits up and opens the message: I need to see you. It doesn't say where-which is okay because she already knows. She jumps off the couch, not caring that she's wearing only her pyjamas and leaves the apartment in a hurry.

Ryan walks towards the lifeguard station, his hands stuffed deep into his pockets. Marissa is already there-he knows from seeing her car- and just the knowledge alone makes him nervous. He stops at the bottom of the ramp and looks at her, sitting alone and curled up in a pair of pyjama pants and his sweater. Her hair is in a messy pony tail and he can tell she's been crying. Just looking at her makes his heart rate speed u and his breath catches in his throat and it amazes him that she can still that to him. She offers him a small, weak smile and he nods in return, walking up the ramp. Without a word he sits next to her and slips his arm between her legs. His hand runs absently up and down her shin. "Did I wake you?" he whispers so softly that she can barely hear him.

"No, I...I couldn't sleep."

"Me either," he says staring out at the ocean. The closeness of their bodies is making him anxious and all he wants to do is push her down and make love to her over and over and over again so she'd never leave. So that she couldn't leave. He wants to feel her, he wants to hear her whisper and scream his name-because it sounds so much better coming from her. God, what has he done?

"You know," she says breaking the silence and he looks at her. "I never meant to hurt you or Taylor or...anyone."

"I know," he whispers, pulling her body closer to his. "I know..."

"And I need you to know that...I will always love you, but I have to move on. And if I plan on moving on then I need to go. I need to leave," she tells his softly.

"I know but...I don't want you go," he says, struggling against the tears burning the backs of his eyes.

"I know," she says barely audible. He sounds like a scared child and it breaks her heart. She sniffs back tears and turns slightly to face him, turning his face toward her. "It's not forever Ry. I promise okay? I'll come back when I'm ready-when you're ready. Things will never go back to normal if I'm here right now..."

"Are you kidding?" He almost yells before calming himself down. "The day I realized that you were still alive, that's when everything went back to normal."

"I meant with you and Taylor," she whispers and she sees, out of the corner of her eye, that his face falls.

He turns to her and with his free hand; he cups her face and turns her face to look at him. He presses his forehead into her and strokes her cheek with his thumb, savouring the feeling of her soft, silky skin under his rough thumb. Her breathe is nervous and shallow and it's tickling his lips. He moves his hand to base of her neck, tangling his hand in her pony tail and he presses his lips into hers, softly at first. But her tongue pushes his lips open and his tongue collides with hers, and the kiss becomes more and more urgent, desperate, needy. He nibbles softly on her bottom lip and he wishes that they could stay like this forever; because whenever things were bad or he was angry or upset, kissing her made everything feel okay again. He pulls away, resting his forehead on hers, his nose grazing hers. "If I could change my decision...I would-"

She shakes her head and looks down, avoiding the confusion in his eyes. "Don't say that, you're happy with Taylor-"

"Not as happy as I am with you," he whispers and kisses her again before she can respond. He moves his lips down her jaw and to her neck, immediately finding her sensitive spot. He listens to her moan and normally he would grin into her, but can't do it. He pulls away and looks at her. "Look at me," he whispers softly and she does. "Don't ever think that I don't love you, okay?" She nods and he kisses the tip of her nose. "Don't ever doubt it."

She nods and even though she knows she shouldn't, she lets him wrap his arms around her and pull her into him. He buries his face into her neck and every now and then she feels him drop a kiss onto her sensitive spot. And as good as it feels to be in his arms again, she knows it's not the same. He isn't just holding her, he's holding ONTO her; like he's afraid to let go.

* * *

_Alright. So, there it is. Ryan is beginning to realize the effects that this is having on him, as well as his mistake. The full realization however comes in the next chapter. Also in the next chapter Taylor will notice the effects it's having on him as well, and she makes a surprising decision; which I will explain further at the end. Thank you!!_


	13. Chapter 13 Getting His Life Back

_Okay here it is!! The last chapter for __When Worlds Collide__ so prepare yourselves! A lot happens in this chapter; there's lots of Ryan and Marissa and Taylor. I just want to thank everyone for the comments and the encouragement, it means a lot. Enjoyy.  
_

Getting His Life Back

The sun has been up for hours. Marissa has been gone for hours. But Ryan hadn't moved. They'd spent all last night at the lifeguard tower. They barely talked, quite content with just holding each other. They watched the sun rise and Ryan found himself wishing that he could spend the rest of his life watching the sun set and rise with her. She leaves shortly after and he wants to go with her; to help her pack or demolish whatever had to be taken apart. Bu he can't watch her walk away; he can't watch her pack up her life. And she can't make him so she doesn't ask.

He gives her one last, mind blowing kiss. The kind of kiss that makes your legs go weak. The kind of kiss that makes memories flash into your head of every kiss you've ever shared. The kind of kiss you know is wrong, but feels so right. The kind of kiss that you know will leave a mark; an ever-lasting bruise. The kind of kiss that hurts and heals both at the same time. And when she leaves and doesn't look back, it's like someone stabs him the heart and continues to twist the knife. _'Keep twisting the knife Hailey, feels good'_. And he thinks that an actual knife would be better than this; he's sure of it.

He glances at his watch, which reads 10:00am. Seven hours. In seven hours, the love of his life would be out of his life for god knows how long. He takes a deep breath and pulls himself to his feet using the rail. He needs to go home.

He walks down the beach towards the parking lot, his feet moving through the sand slowly. The familiar thought of disappearing flickers into his mind. Being swallowed by the sand sounds pretty damn good right now. He hasn't thought about _that_ in years and it scares him...

Before he even realizes it, he's home, sitting in the front seat of his car, willing himself to get out, but not moving. This doesn't feel like home. Marissa is home; she always has been. She was home that night at the 'model home' which is why he told her to leave. He had only known the beautiful, kind, innocent girl for 48 hours and he was already finding himself attached to her; and it had freaked him out. She was home when he left for Chino and all he wanted to do was be with her. For once in his life he wanted to throw responsibility out the window and tell Theresa he couldn't leave. He wanted to be a kid-something he hasn't been since he was 9 years old, and stay in Newport and be_ normal_-like they had planned.

"Ryan?" Taylor's voice pulls him out his thoughts. She's standing outside his door, looking at him.

"Sorry," he mumbles, stepping out of the car. She hugs him and he finds himself hugging back. He needs something, anything to hold onto.

Taylor pulls back and looks at him. She wants to ask him where he's been but she thinks better of it considering his current state. "C'mon," she whispers pulling him inside the house. Besides if she really thinks about it, she can tell he was at the beach. At his lifeguard tower.

"I'm gonna take a shower," he says and makes a bee-line for the stairs. His eyes automatically seek out the clock and he groans inwardly. Six hours.

Taylor watches him walk up the stairs and she frowns. This isn't Ryan...this is the shell of the Ryan Atwood she knows. This is the angry, depressed, tortured Ryan Atwood from 4 years ago. This is the scary, dangerous Ryan Atwood. This is the Ryan Atwood that went against everything he believed him when it comes to alcohol and drinks to erase the pain that Marissa Cooper has once again left behind. It was times like this that she does hate Marissa; when Ryan becomes someone she can't even recognize; when Marissa isn't just hurting herself, but everyone around her.

And it dawns on her. Ryan hadn't been alone at the lifeguard station. He'd been with Marissa. At the realization, she's not sure whether she should feel happy that he finally talked to her, or upset that he left her, again, to be with _her_. She decides quite quickly that she has worse things to worry about. Like the fact that if she doesn't do something, Ryan is going to fall apart...

* * *

Marissa Cooper has no idea what she's doing. For the past two hours she's felt like a zombie, while two men in their 40's walk in and out of her apartment, carrying boxes and boxes of stuff to the moving van. Her stuff. Now, with them on their way to New York with her stuff, she's left alone in the empty apartment. She lowers herself to the floor in the bedroom and leans against the wall, bringing her knees into her chest and holding Sharebear tight to her body. She wishes Ryan was here...or Summer, or anybody. The only time she can ever remember being _this_ lonely was after she saw Ryan and Lindsey, alone, at school. Even after their break-up in senior year, she'd at least had Volchok. She sniffs back tears and rests her head back on the wall. God, she's so stupid. Now that the day has actually come, and she's staring it right in the face, not even she understands why she's leaving anymore. For the last four years, all she wanted to do was know who she was, know who her family was, what her life was like. And now that she has it back, she's throwing it away. And for what? So she can 'move on'? Maybe Ryan is right...maybe she really is just running away. She's scared to leave, but she's even more scared to stay...

A lone tear slips down her cheek and suddenly her cheeks are soaking wet. A low whimper escapes her lips and she buries her face into the fur of the small purple bear. It smells more like Ryan than it does her. He'd never wanted to tell her that he used to go into her room at the Roberts house and lay with Sharebear, but she'd managed to get it out of him.

"God, Share, what have I done?" she chokes out. She's making a mistake. A huge mistake. Bu she can't change her mind now. No matter how much she wants to take it back, she can't. It's too late now....

She glances at her phone sitting beside her for the time. It's almost 1 o'clock. She takes a deep breath and stares up at the ceiling. She has to be at the airport in 2 hours. And she has to be on the plane in 4 hours.

* * *

Ryan is trying to sleep. At least that's what he told Taylor. But even now, being awake for more than 24 hours, he can't sleep. His eyes want to, his body more than wants to, but his mind won't obey. His mind is too focused on the time; on how many hours it would be until Marissa is gone from his life again.

After getting out of the shower, Taylor announces that she'd prepared lunch for them. He doesn't exactly feel like eating, or being around people (even if it is just Taylor) but he follows her downstairs anyway. He has a couple of bites of the sandwich, tells her it's good, but that he isn't hungry before going back upstairs; his appetite gone. All he wants to do is be alone.

He lies on the bed, leaning his shoulders against the headboard, along with his head. For the past hour he's sat here, playing with the same loose thread on his t-shirt, his eyes glued to his hands. He doesn't WANT to look at the clock, but almost every 5 minutes, his eyes wander over to the digital clock beside him. It's like a magnet, pulling his focus to places he doesn't want to go.

He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand. He's done everything he can to get her to stay. He yelled at her, he pleaded with her; both emotionally and physically. Hell, he used things against her in hopes of making her feel guilty. He fucking told her straight up that he'd choose her if he can do it again. Isn't he enough for her? Why can't he convince her to stay?

Maybe it's Karma, his mind thinks. Maybe it's a stab in the back for all of the times he didn't choose her. Maybe now it's his turn. He's turned his back on her numerous times and she still loved him. Maybe now he's getting a taste of his own medicine. And if that is what it is, it tastes horrible.

When he broke it off with her for Taylor, he told her that their time together had been great, but he isn't ready to let it go. And he's not sure what's worse; the fact that after ending it, he's the one that can't let go, or that it's taken her leaving to make him realize it.

He sighs and again his eyes travel towards the clock, the red lights saying it's 2:35. Two and a half hours.

* * *

Taylor opens the front door and steps aside to let Summer in. She closes the door and follows her usually spunky and upbeat bestfriend into the living room. Summer isn't as upset as Ryan, but she's upset enough that it makes Taylor sick to her stomach. And it makes it even clearer of what she has to do. Ryan doesn't love her, not the way he should. He loves Marissa that way. He needs Marissa that way. And she's finally realized it.

"How is he?" Summer asks softly, taking a seat on the couch.

"He's upstairs," she starts, crossing her arms over her chest, "he said he was gonna go sleep. But i don't think he is."

"He's counting down the hours isn't he?" Summer guesses. She's doing the same thing.

"I'm ending the engagement," Taylor blurts out and sits across from her. She looks down as Summer stares at her.

"What? Taylor?"

"I'm ending it because I'm going to stop Marissa," she blurts out again. Lately she's found it easier to just say things rather than think about them.

"What?"

"Ryan needs her," Taylor admits aloud for the first time. She's surprised at how easy it is. "He's miserable and depressed without her and if she leaves, it's gonna go back to the way it was after the accident. He loves her." She pauses and waits for Summer to say something but she doesn't. "He loves me, I know that, but...not nearly as much as he loves her. I need to do something or else he's gonna lose her again."

"What if she doesn't stay? I mean she's convinced that she has to do this-"

"I dunno, "Taylor whispers. "I haven't thought that far yet, but I have to try." She grabs her purse and stands up. "So can you stay? For Ryan?"

"Yeah of course," Summer nods and stands up also. She throws her arms around Taylor's neck and hugs her tightly. "Thank you Taylor."

Taylor smiles and turns to leave. Her eyes catch the clock on the wall. It's 3 o'clock. She has two hours to stop the love of her fiancé's life from flying away.

* * *

This is a mistake, her heart tells her. Over and over again her heart tells her she's making a mistake. But like always, her mind is contradicting her, telling her it's for the best. She tries her best not to listen to war going on in her body between her heart and her head as she waits for her plane. She's surrounded by her luggage, by thousands of people coming and going and she's still the loneliest person on the planet.

She holds back tears as she thinks back to the events of the last couple of days. She had promised herself that no matter what Ryan had said to her, no matter what reasons he gave to her, she wouldn't give in. And he's given her more than enough reasons to stay. And despite it all, she finds herself wishing that he's come bursting through the crowd, giving her one more reason. Because she knows that if-big if- he did, she wouldn't be able to leave. But she also knows that it won't happen. She'd hurt him, she'd betrayed him in a way that was completely unacceptable. She'd given him every reason to hate her, t not trust her. She'd become yet another statistic in his life of people who have left him.

She smiles politely at the woman who sits to her left and she recognizes the look on her face. Pity. This woman, who doesn't even know her, feels sorry for her. It's a look she had gotten used to when she in high school. But despite being used to it, it still stings a little bit.

"Marissa!"

Marissa sits up, confused and for a minute she thinks it's Ryan as she looks around the airport before realizing that it's a woman's voice. She sees Taylor, fighting her way through the crowd and she stands up-more out of shock than anything. "Taylor." She braces herself for a scene; for a screaming and yelling Taylor Townsend.

"Thank God I found you! You can't get on that plane so drop your bags because I need you to listen to me," the slightly neurotic Taylor Townsend demands as she comes to a halt in front of Marissa.

"Taylor," the taller, blond haired beauty laughs. "My plane doesn't leave for like an hour."

"Even better, that means I have more time to talk to you," she says quickly, motioning for Marissa to sit down. She turns to a man sitting next to Marissa quickly. "Excuse me, do you mind if I sit there? I just ran from the parking lot to stop this woman from leaving and I really to sit down and talk with her-" she stops as the man gets up and leaves, an annoyed look on his face. She sits next to Marissa and smiles. "I've learned that the quicker you talk, the faster they leave."

Marissa laughs slightly, but frowns when the reality of Taylor's reasons sink in. "Taylor what are you doing here?"

"Isn't it obvious? I'm here to stop you from making the biggest mistake of your life."

Still confused, Marissa hesitates and then looks at Taylor. "What are you talking about?"

Taylor takes a deep breath and leans forward in her chair, closer to Marissa. "You can't get on that plane Marissa."

"I don't...I don't understand," Marissa whispers. "Shouldn't you be jumping for joy or something?"

"Yes I should," Taylor says immediately. "But I'm not. So will you hear me out, if nothing else?"

Taken aback, Marissa sits there for a minute, shocked, to let everything Taylor said sink in. Taylor is supposed to be relishing in the fact that Marissa has decided to leave, not trying to make her stay... "Okay..."

Taylor smiles, glad that she doesn't have to be too forceful. "Ryan doesn't' love me Marissa. I mean, he does, but not nearly as much as he loves you. He needs you in a way that....he's never needed me. He needs you in a way I've never known anybody to need another person. He falls apart without you-"

"Taylor," Marissa says, her eyes flickering up to meet Taylors.

"You said you would hear me out, so unless you have a question, no interruptions," Taylor says forcefully and Marissa immediately backs down and sinks into her chair. It's like their roles have been changed; Taylor is now the intimidating one. She watches Marissa hesitate before nodding. She reaches out and grabs her hand reassuringly. "Okay," she starts, "I dunno if he's told you this and to be honest I really hope he hasn't because then I'm wasting my time, but...okay, you know he took it really hard. I don't know how much you know, and I don't even know the whole story because he hates talking about, but it almost destroyed him." She squeezes Marissa's hand and prepares to continue. It's better to just say it all at once, she reminds herself. "Eventually he started to realize that life was moving on and that he had to start moving with it. Anyway, that following Christmakkuh, Ryan and I were arguing and we fell off of a roof and we both went into this coma and...We ended up in this alternate universe. Everything in that world was completely wrong. Kirsten was married to Jimmy, Sandy was married to Julie, Summer was this huge bimbo and Seth was a total loser and nobody knew who we were. So naturally we thought that this is what it would've been like if Ryan hadn't showed up when he did, so we had to make everything right so that we could go back." She watches as Marissa's gaze settles on everything except for her. "I was told that Julie's daughter would be coming home from college that day and so I ran and found Ryan and when I told him that you were alive...God Marissa you should've seen his face, or not I dunno. It was like for the first time since it happened, he was hopeful again. And happy and in love. All he could think about was going to see you; all he wanted to do was see you. He didn't care if you didn't know him. And he didn't want to go back if you were alive in that world; he was completely prepared to stay there."

Marissa looks at Taylor for the first time since she started talking. She can't believe the things coming out of Taylor's mouth. Was an alternate universe really possible? It has to be, Taylor seems to really believe in it. Her mind is spinning with questions. How could Ryan want to stay in a world that was all wrong? How is that even possible? She takes a deep breath. "What happened?"

Taylor looks down. She knew this would be the hardest part. "It turned out I was wrong. Kaitlin was back from college. You never made it after TJ because Ryan wasn't there to save you. To him i was like losing you all over again and the pain and devastation on his face was just...unbearable. and i tried to tell him that it was okay, because he gave you 3 more years, because he loved you and he let you fall in love. but it was like he couldn't get past the fact that in both worlds you were gone." She looks up again and this time it's Marissa who's watching her. "We we woke up we pretended it didn't happen. And strangely enough he seemed okay for the first time since the accident. I dunno what happened but... Look Marissa, I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, I just want you to see how much he loves you." She pauses momentarily. "How much he needs you."

Marissa takes another deep breath and she runs her free hand through her hair. This isn't exactly the way she planned on changing her mind, but it's definately working. She still doesn't get it though. Why is Taylor being so nice to her? Why does Taylor want her to stay so bad? "What about you?"

Taylor shrugs, smiling. She hasn't even thought about that, but suddenly it doesn't matter. "I dunno. Right now it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that Ryan doesn't lose the love of his life. I mean I love him, so I have to let him go. I can't watch him fall apart. He doesn't need me anymore."

Marissa sniffs back tears and pulls Taylor-a girl who used to hate her and who she hated in return- into a hug and sobs into her shoulder. She gets it now. Taylor is no longer the girl who envied her. She isn't the girl who tried so hard to take her social chair position at Harbour. She isn't the girl who got her kicked out of her best friend's carnival. She's grown up. She's moved on. She's stepping aside; bowing out gracefully so that Ryan can be truly happy. "Thank you Taylor. Thank you for saving him and taking care of him. Thank you for being there for everyone..." she sniffs back tears again and pulls away to find Taylor on the verge of tears too. "Thank you for stopping me." And Marissa isn't sure that if the situation was reversed, she could be that selfless.

Taylor breaks out into wide smile. "Really? You're staying?" When Marissa nods, she jumps up and grabs half of Marissa luggage. "Well then let's go, I have a fiancé to break up with and you have a man to save."

* * *

At exactly 4:30, Ryan finds himself throwing on a shirt and a clean pair of jeans before grabbing his keys off of the table and racing down the stairs. This is it. Marissa's departure was almost perfect; but only almost. It's missing one ingredient: a formal goodbye. Because if Marissa is going to leave, then she's going to do it the hard way. He isn't going to give her the satisfaction of leaving gracefully. If she's going to leave, then she's going to have to walk away from him; figuratively _and_ physically. And if she can do that, then Ryan will walk away in return.

"Ryan?"

He recognizes Summers' voice from behind him and he pauses in the doorway. He didn't know she was here. What is she doing here?

"What are you doing?" she asks worriedly, rushing to get in front of him.

"I have to go."

"Where?"

"I have to go Summer. To the airport," he says forcefully.

"I don't think that's a good idea," she says hesitantly, unsure of how things are going with Marissa and Taylor.

"I have to go Summ-"

"Ryan-"

"Summ I have to go!" he yells loudly, his voice quick and short. "If I don't get to that airport on time then she's gonna get on that plane. She can't get on that plane." He stares at her, silently begging her to move.

Sighing softly, Summer steps aside. She smiles as he races to his car and pulls out of the driveway in record timing.

Before he knows what he's even doing, Ryan has jumped out of the car, ignoring the parking attendant who's yelling at him for him to stop. He runs through the front doors, a slight déjà vu rushing over him of the last time he stepped foot in the airport looking for Marissa. He was severely disappointed then, and he prays that he's not equally disappointed this time as well.

He races around the airport, searching frantically for her gate number; his heart beating so fast he's almost certain that it's going to explode. He isn't thinking about what he's going to say when he finds her. He isn't thinking about what he's going to say to Taylor when Marissa decides to stay with him. He isn't thinking about anything except that Marissa can't be gone yet. She can't be.

And yet she is. Her gate number is closing. They've already made the last call for all passengers flying to New York. She's gone. His heart stops for what feels like forever and his breath catches in his throat and he feels like he's suffocating in his shirt. He runs both of his hands through his hair roughly, falling into the wall with a heavy thud. _She's gone_.

It missed it. He's too late. He's never too late. He's never _been_ too late. He found her in time in Mexico. He reached her in time on New Years. He made it in time for prom. He's never been too late before. And now she's gone.

Marissa is gone. And he isn't sure what hurts the most; that she is, in every way, _gone_, or that he doesn't know when she's coming back.

* * *

Taylor meanwhile pulls into hers and Ryan's driveway-or just Ryan's, or just hers. She isn't sure anymore. After leaving the airport, Marissa contacted Julie to see if she could stay there until she can get her apartment back. She then calls the moving company to get them to come back.

Taylor looks at Marissa, sitting next to her in the passenger seat. "Are you ready?"

Marissa shifts uncomfortably and runs a nervous hand through her hair. "yeah," she breathes and pushes open the car.

That's when Taylor realizes that Ryan's car is gone. "Oh no."

"What?"

"His car is gone." She walks up the front steps quickly and pushes open the door. "Summer?" she calls out, walking into the foyer, Marissa following closely behind.

"Taylor!" Summer calls back, walking out into the foyer as well. "COOP!" she screams, throwing herself into the arms of her bestfriend. "Oh my God, thank God."

Marissa smiles into her best friends shoulder, hugging her tightly. She doesn't want to let go.

"Where's Ryan?"

"Oh, um, he went to the airport-oh my God he went to the airport!" Summer yells, and it dawns on her that Ryan is probably freaking out. "Shit," she whispers, pulling out her phone. She calls Ryan but gets no answer. "He's not answering."

"So, what do we do?" Marissa asks quietly.

"We wait."

* * *

Ryan slams the front door shut before kicking off his shoes and throwing his keys on the table beside the door. He continues to walk into the kitchen where he sees Taylor sitting at the kitchen counter, waiting for him, obviously.

"Hey," Taylor says softly, watching as he makes a bee-line for the fridge.

He nods, acknowledging her presence as he pulls a beer bottle out of the fridge and sets in on the counter. He glares at it, battling internally with whether or not he should open the bottle.

"How'd you sleep?"

Ryan's eyes meet hers quickly and he shrugs. She's watching him. She's seeing right through him and he hates it.

Taylor sighs and moves around the island to stand beside him. She picks up his hands in hers. "We need to talk..."

He shuts his eyes and hangs his head. He knows exactly where this conversation is going, but he asks anyway, "about?"

"Us...this," she whispers, dropping his hands again. She pulls her ring off of her finder and place it on the counter.

He sighs before the words even leave her mouth. "I'm sorry," he whispers, running a hand over his tired face. He lowers himself slowly into the chair on the other side of the island. "I'm sorry I can't make this work, I'm sorry I can't love you like I should..." he trails off, his voice becoming shaky and uncertain.

Taylor bites her lip and looks towards the back door. She can see Marissa's shadow, waiting nervously for her cue. "Okay," she announces. "Enough. Hypothetically speaking, what if I happened to convince Marissa to stay? What would you say?"

He looks at her in confusion and she just shrugs her shoulders. He sighs, pushing himself to his feet. He walks back to the fridge and places the beer bottle back on the shelf, grabbing in it's place a water bottle. He leans against the counter again, taking a deep breath. "Hypothetically speaking I'd ask why she couldn't stay for me. Why I wasn't enough..."

Marissa bites her lip and steps into the kitchen, out in the open. She glances at Taylor and she nods reassuringly. "Because I was scared," she says, answering Ryan's first question. She watches as his body tenses at the sound of her voice and she wants to cry.

Ryan turns to her, and stares at the woman that had wanted to leave him. The woman that had the power to break his heart and repair whenever she wanted to. The woman who means...everything to him. He bites the inside of his cheek, not trusting himself to say anything.

"I'm gonna-" Taylor starts, but Ryan stops her.

"Taylor," he chokes out. He glances at her, telling her silently not to leave him alone with Marissa. He doesn't trust himself at all. Part of him wants to strangle her for being so stupid and selfish. But part of him also wants to kiss her and never let go. When Taylor doesn't move to walk away, he turns to face Marissa again.

Marissa plays with her fingers nervously and looks down. "I was scared to stay Ry...I," she looks up at him and takes a step closer, but stops when he back away from her. His eyes never leave hers even as he bumps into the counter. "You are enough Ryan. But my heart and my mind were telling me two different things and...I know you're mad and upset with me and you have every right to be and I don't blame you but...I love you. And I'm ready for that future you talked about-the one on land, not in the middle of the ocean. Or in my case, in New York," she whispers, a small smile forming on her lips and she tries (and fails) to lighten the mood.

Ryan bites his lip and turns his back on her. He grips the counter so hard his knuckles turn white. He can feel her coming closer to him as his own words echo in his head. _'I don't know where my future is, but I know it's with you. Not on some boat in the middle of the ocean'_.

"My life doesn't work without you," she whispers, and neither of them notice that Taylor leaves the room with a wide smile on her face.

Ryan shakes his head as more of his own words echo in his head. _'And it always goes so smooth when we're together'_. Smoother than when you're not; the voice in the back of his mind tells him. "Seems fine to me," he says bitterly.

She laughs softly. "From really, really far away." When he doesn't move to face her, she takes another deep breath. "Maybe I should go, and give you time to think," she suggests, turning to leave as a tear slips down her cheek.

Ryan turns around, catching her arm, and when she stops, he lets out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. She turns to face him and he raises his other hand to her cheek and wipes the lone tear with his thumb. He stares at her, pleading with her not to go. She nods and he pulls her into him, locking his arms around her waist tightly. He buries his face into her neck and she holds him, whispering apologies into his ear.

* * *

A couple of hours later Ryan and Marissa lay on the bed in the poolhouse at Sandy and Kirsten's. Marissa's back leans against the headboard while Ryan lies with his back against her, his head in the crook of her neck. He listens to the steady rhythm of her breathing and the soft beating of her heart while he plays absently with her fingers.

Ryan had insisted that Taylor keep the house and that he would stay with his parents until he finds his own place again. Marissa was supposed to stay at her moms, but watching Ryan now, she isn't sure that leaving would be a good idea. "When was the last time you slept?" she asks, running her fingers through his hair.

"I dunno," he bringing her hand up to kiss each and every finger.

"You don't know?" Marissa asks, shocked as she pushes herself into a sitting position, causing Ryan to roll off of her. "Ryan that's bad!"

He shrugs indifferently. "It's no big deal." He leans up to kiss her lips softly.

"You need to get some sleep," she insists, concern evident in her tone.

"Fine, but only if you stay," he tells her, wrapping his arm around her waist.

"Okay," she smiles softly. "But I'm gonna go call my mom and tell her I'm staying here tonight okay?"

"Now?" he groans.

"I'll be back," she giggles. She sits up and slips her shoes back on.

Ryan watches her as she slips her cute little flats on. He snakes his arm around her waist and kisses her again. In one day he'd lost her and gotten her back...and he refused to lose her ever again. Although all he wants to do is stay up forever with her, his body is too tired to move. And now that his mind knows for a fact that she's back, he's finding himself slowly falling asleep.

Marissa smiles into his lips and pulls away. She walks out of the poolhouse and into the kitchen where Sandy and Kirsten are. She half expects them to yell at her for hurting Ryan but they don't. And she's glad.

"Hey sweetie," Kirsten greets her happily. Sandy smiles.

"Hey, um, is it okay if I stay here tonight? With Ryan?"

"Of course," Kirsten says, smiling softly.

"Wouldn't have it any other way," Sandy says throwing an arm around her shoulders.

Marissa smiles. The Cohens had always been like a second family to her, a second-more functional family. A family she had always hoped o be a part of one day.

"How is he?"

"I think he's more exhausted than anything," she says glancing into the poolhouse. He's lying with his back to the door. "He's asleep now, but he can't even remember the last time he slept." She looks down at her feet. "I really hurt him."

"He's gonna be fine," Kirsten insists.

Sandy nudges her. "Now that you're here to stay, he's gonna be good as new."

The phone rings and Kirsten fast to pick it up. She looks at the caller ID and smiles. "It's your mom. I'll let her know you're staying here tonight okay?"

"Thanks," she smiles and heads out to the poolhouse. She looks up as she walks into the room-what used o Ryan's- and stops. "You're supposed to be sleeping."

"I know," Ryan says sitting up against the headboard. He motions for her to join him and when she does, he wraps his arms around her comfortably and he kisses the top of her head. "What did Taylor say to you?" he asks curiously.

Marissa turns her head to look up at him, and he looks back. "At the airport?" When he nods, she bites her lip and rests her chin on his chest. "She told me about...that other world...when you fell off the roof."

Ryan blinks his eyes rapidly in confusion. "She told you that?" Not even_ they_ had talked about it after it happened.

"I mean...yeah. some parts. The parts that she could..." she trails off and drops a soft, delicate kiss onto his chest. "If you don't wanna talk about it-"

"No, I do," he interrupts her. He takes a deep breath and leans his head back. "To be honest at first it didn't even occur to me that you could be alive. And then Taylor said that you were coming home from Berkley and my first thought was..._she's alive_. And then _she made it_. And all I wanted to do was see you. I _had_ to see you, to hear your voice again. Even if you didn't know me because it didn't matter." He pauses and gulps back the nervous lump in his throat. He's not sure why he's so nervous; it's not like he's never poured his heart out to her before... "Taylor wanted to just fix everything and go back...but I didn't want to go back-not if you were alive in that world. I would've put up with the way things were if I could just stay...with you."

Marissa watches him and he shifts their positions so that they're lying flat on the mattress, his arms never letting go of her. She waits for him to continue while drawing circles on his shoulder.

"And then I got to the airport and I saw your pink sweater and...it was Kaitlin. And I thought, you know, I have to wrong Cooper. Then she said you died in Mexico and it was like a bomb dropped. It was like losing you all over again and I didn't know what to do. I was hurt and confused and depressed again and...angry. Angry at myself because I wasn't there when I should've been, because in that world I didn't exist, because in our world I didn't try hard enough to make it work. And I was angry at you...for not fighting hard enough and for....for taking those damn pills." His voice is quiet and timid and bitter towards the end. He had always been mad at her for that. He had always been angry that she had taken those pills, that she had been _that_ careless. And that day; in that world, it brought it all back. He isn't sure where this courage is coming from, or even where the words are coming from.

Marissa shakes her head and pulls away far enough to catch his eye. "It wasn't your fault. None of it was Ry..."

He brings her lips to his briefly. "I just wanted to leave, you know? It was like I couldn't leave or wake up fast enough. You were just...gone."

"I'm here now," she whispers.

"I know," he whispers, tightening his grip on her. "I read your letter," he blurts out, receiving an almost alarmed look on her face. He grins. "I must've read it...ten times before I got back. Every word on that paper was burned into my mind. Knowing that you still loved me; that you didn't blame me; that you wanted to be _us_ again...it helped me. Knowing that you were still part of me, still mine...it made it easier." This time it's him that pulls away far enough to look her in the eyes. "You're always a part of me."

"I'll always be yours. And only yours," she whispers, smiling softly.

"Yeah?" He grins and kisses the tip of her nose. "Likewise."

She smiles and kisses him passionately, relieved to know that this time wouldn't be the last. "I love you."

"I love you," he whispers back, staring at her for a long time before lying back into the pillows. "Can we go to sleep now?"

Giggling, Marissa snuggles into him to get comfortable. Ryan does the same, enjoying the feeling of her body so close to his and the knowledge that they had the rest of their lives together. _She_ is back, for good. His life is back. Because he is Ryan Atwood and she is Marissa Cooper. And the rest of the world can wait.

_The end  
_

* * *

_Okay first of all I can't believe that it's over! It's both exciting and upsetting at the same time. First I would like to thank everyone again! Second, I know the whole Taylor/Marissa thing might have shocked you, but here's my thinking: Taylor was always the romantic, you know? She was all about love and happy endings (though I still didn't like her very much) and I just thought if it came down to it, she'd rather Ryan be happy than completely miserable, even if it meant sacrificing herself. However if you would like, I could write an alternate ending? It's just a thought. I dunno. The only reason I will not be continuing this story is because I find that sometimes you get to a point where it's like...where am I supposed to go from here? And then things get repetitive, so sometimes I choose to just end it on a happy note. _

_So let me know what you think!!_


	14. Epilogue: I Do

_**Okay so hpfangurl12993 had a great idea. And here it is! An epilogueeeeee! I've had it for a while, for like another story line I have, but it just seemed SO perfect that I had to do it! Includes lots of love and fluff and all that good stuff. Enjoyy!  
**_

Epilogue: I Do

The chairs are set with the names of their occupants written on the back. A long red carpet divides the room in half. There are pink and red and white flower arrangements spread out perfectly. The archway is decorated with the left over flowers. The only things missing are the guests, and of course the bride and groom...

It's been two years since Marissa decided to stay in Newport instead of going back to New York. Two years it's been since Marissa Cooper had walked back into the lives of everyone that loved her; since coming back from 'the dead'. Two years since Ryan Atwood was given back a reason to live.

Six month ago, Ryan had come to the conclusion that he couldn't wait any longer to do what he's always wanted to. Summer had taken Marissa out to the spa the day before Valentine's Day; giving her the excuse that they have to look and feel their best for the following holiday. But in reality it was just an excuse to get her out of the house so that Ryan and Seth could plan his proposal. With his comic book loving brother's help, Ryan had managed to make an exact replica of the Tiki hut that they borrowed from the drama department during senior year; the one where Ryan had made love for the very first time to the love of his life, where he had given himself totally and completely to her. They set it up on the beach again, with cushions and blankets and flowers and candles. He needed it to be perfect.

* * *

_February 13_

_When Marissa got home that night, Ryan had managed to drag her right back out without any questions asked. Until they got to beach that is, when he covered her eyes as he guided her through the sand. She'd always been a curious person, but somehow he never managed to give the surprise away-unlike others; who he literally had threatened to keep his mouth shut. With his hand covering her eyes, a sense of déjà vu washes over him and he smiles._

"_Why do I get the feeling we've done this before?" she asks, a hint of teasing her soft, angelic voice._

_He whispers in her ear; "Because we have."_

_She giggles and lets him steady her on her feet as the stop. "Can I see now?"_

_He laughs and moves his hand from her face. He stands back and watches her reaction; the way the emotions play on her face, the way her eyes fill with tears at the sight of the very familiar hut, they way her hands cover her mouth in shock. He slips his arms around her waist and places a kiss on her shoulder. _

"_Is this...?"_

"_Yep. Well it's a replica."_

_She laughs and pulls him inside the hut. She looks around, a wide smile forming on her lips, before facing Ryan again; his hands in his jeans pocket. "It looks exactly the same."_

"_That's why they call it a replica," he teases, pulling her into him._

"_So what's the plan this time?" she giggles, snuggling into his embrace._

"_That depends," he says huskily and steps away from her. Curiosity flashes across her features and flickers in her eyes as she watches him lower onto one knew. Tears form in her eyes and her shaky hands cover her mouth again. He grins, proud with the reaction as he pulls the small velvet box out of his pocket. Opening the box to reveal the diamond ring, he smiles wide. He can see her legs shake under her and his smile falters slightly, concerned. "Are you okay? Do you need to sit?" She shakes her head and he hesitates momentarily before handing her the box and rests his hands on her hips to support her. "Marissa Cooper," he starts, smiling at the soft moan that comes out of his girlfriends mouth, "we've been through a lot in the last nine years, both together and apart. Some of it bad, some good and some great. And except for those four years...I wouldn't have changed anything, nor would I have wanted it to be with anyone else. Because through all of it, my love for you never changed-sometimes I had to remind myself but I've always loved you. And I will always love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you-no matter what comes our way because it's worth it. You are worth it." He smiles at her, sticking his thumbs through the belt loops of her jeans. "I want to give you my name, but on one condition..."_

_Marissa legs finally give way and drops to her knees in front of him, clutching the open box in her hands. She slides her arms around his neck and kisses him deeply. She pulls away and gives him the small box._

"_Marry me," he whispers huskily, pulling the ring out of the box and fiddling with it in his fingers._

"_Of course," she whispers back and he slides the ring onto her finger. "It's perfect," she chokes out._

_He pulls her into him and kisses her passionately.  
_

* * *

Present: August 5

A couple days later, after consulting with their friends and family, they had the picked out. August 5th. The six months that followed were very hectic-in a completely, blissfully happy sort of way. Marissa was not only planning the wedding (with the help of her friends and family) but she was also working hard on her career. She was picking out colours and dresses and cutlery and fabrics; and getting in touch with old friends and family for the guest list. Including Taylor. Shortly after she had convinced Marissa to stay in Newport, Taylor had given the house back to Ryan and decided to travel the world, starting with her own country. After all, Taylor loved all things different and unique; and she thrived off of new experiences.

Ryan meanwhile was still at the Newport; trying to finish the latest development, hiring contractors, talking to client...all the while trying to help the girls with the wedding plans. But girls being girls-or rather Summer and Julie being Summer and Julie had kicked him out. He wasn't allowed near the decorations or the cake or even the guest list. He was stuck with handling the lay-out; which was fine with him because it was like building a house-or a model of one anyway.

The day has finally come; the day that Marissa has been dreaming of since meeting him 9 years ago at the bottom of her driveway. She feels nauseous-although she isn't sure if she's just nervous for the big day, or if she's nervous for her much bigger surprise. In a short few hours she's going to be Marissa Atwood. She smiles, looking at her reflection in the mirror. Mrs. Atwood. Mrs. Ryan Atwood. No matter how she says it in her head, it always sounds perfect.

The curtain opens and she turns around to see her mother, her bestfriend and her mother-in-law walk in, all of them wearing pale pink, off the shoulder gowns.

"Coop you look gorgeous!" Summer squeals running over to hug her.

"Yeah?" Marissa asks quietly, turning her body to the mirror once more. Finding her dress was a lot like meeting Ryan-love at first sight. It's strapless, clinging to her form from her chest to the small of her back where it flows out around her. It's absolutely beautiful. Her hair is up in a loose, but perfect bun, with thin curls cascading around her face.

"Honey you look perfect," Julie says adjusting a couple of her curls.

Marissa smiles gratefully and Kirsten smoothes out the flow of her dress affectionately. "The dress couldn't fit any better sweetheart."

"Is everything okay out there?" Marissa asks.

"Everything is fine Coop. Ryan and Sandy have everything under control," Summer says dropping into a chair beside the mirror.

"And Seth?"

Summer bursts into a fit of laughter, following by Kirsten. "Are you kidding? He's Cohen."

Marissa laughs and rests her hand on her stomach. She still can't believe it; that it's finally happening. Three years ago she couldn't even remember him, and now she's marrying him.

Julie smiles at her daughter. "It feels great doesn't it?"

"Yeah," Marissa smiles. "After the nausea passes."

"How far along are you?" Kirsten asks.

"I dunno. I was waiting to go to the doctor until I told Ryan," Marissa says, smiling nervously.

"He is going to be so excited sweetie," Kirsten says, hugging her as tears spring to Marissa's eyes. She pulls away from her son's soon to be wife and wipes the stray tears from the woman's face. "I don't care what people say, diamonds are nothing compared to water proof mascara," she says, making all three women laugh.

"We should get going," Julie says, hugging her daughter. "Your father will be here soon."

"Kay," Marissa whispers, hugging Kirsten again.

"I love you Coop," Summer whispers in her ear as she hugs her tightly.

"I love you too Sum," Marissa whispers. She turns and watches them leave before turning back to the mirror. Once her father had learned that she was in fact still alive, Jimmy Cooper had jumped on the next plane to California from Hawaii. Soon after arriving he made the decision to try once more to stay in Newport, for his daughter's sake. After all, third time's a charm right? Marissa's gaze travels to her stomach and she feels a tug in her heart. She rests her hand on her stomach. "Please baby, do me a favour and don't make mommy sick today. Okay?"

"There's my baby girl."

Marissa smiles and throws her arms around her father's neck. "Daddy," she whispers.

* * *

Meanwhile everything at the altar is just beginning to calm down. Sandy and Ryan had finally gotten everyone seating. Seth was...being Seth; running around frantically in a panic. Finally, Ryan and Sandy join Seth on the steps at the altar. It's the same altar that Julie married Caleb in. The same altar that Sandy and Kirsten renewed their vows at. The same altar that Seth and Summer were married in. It feels right, to do it here.

"Dude I'm like freaking out," Seth says, putting his arm on Ryan's shoulder.

Ryan laughs. "It's _my_ wedding."

"I know. And I've been freaking out since the day you proposed!" Seth yells, making even Sandy laugh.

"We all have," Sandy agrees.

Ryan and stuffs his hands into his pockets, feeling the velvet box between his fingers. It surprises him how well he's able to hide his nervousness. Because truth be told he's freaking out too. He's about to marry the love of his life. A familiar voice interrupts his thoughts-a voice he hasn't heard since high school.

"Yo Chino!"

"Luke!" Ryan says, receiving a manly hug from his fiancé's ex-boyfriend; his old rival in the battle for Marissa's heart...his old friend. "Man I didn't think you'd make it."

"There was no way in hell I was missing this man," Luke says truthfully.

"Thanks man," Ryan smiles.

"Cohen, Mr. Cohen, how's it going?"

"Not bad," Sandy says, shaking his hand.

"Hey Luke," Seth says absently before walking off to talk to the Nana.

"Is Cohen okay?" Luke asks, his tone a mixture of concern and sarcasm.

"He's freaking out," the groom laughs

"And you?"

"I'm better at hiding it than he is," Ryan says truthfully.

"Let's see the ring," Luke says, rubbing his hands together excitedly.

Ryan grins and pulls the small velvet box out of his pocket. He opens it and the sun causes the diamonds to glitter.

Luke whistles, impressed. "Damn man! I'm afraid to touch it," he laughs.

"Yeah well, you wanna hold onto it for me?"

"Me? What about Seth?" Luke hesitates.

"I don't trust him in the middle of a panic attack," Ryan says simple, handing Luke the box. "And...it feels right, you know?"

Luke grins and pats him on the back as the music starts the ceremony

Ryan groans inwardly when his stomach starts to flip flops and his heart beat quickens. He almost can't believe what is about to happen. After four years of believing she was dead; gone forever, he's about to start his life as a married man to her. To _the_ one.

"It's time man. Let's get you married!" Luke yells, jumping onto the altar.

Ryan walks up the steps, shaking hand with the man about to marry him before turning to face the aisle; Sandy, Seth and Luke lined up beside him. His eyes travel over their guests-family, friends, family friends...all watching Kirsten, Kaitlin, Summer and Julie walk down the aisle. He's glad that he isn't the one who had to walk down the long red carpet, with all eyes on him in anticipation.

Once Julie settles into her spot next to Summer, the wedding march starts and Ryan finds himself straightening up, his eyes glued to the entrance waiting for his soon to be wife. He swallows the lump in his throat when he sees the bottom of a white dress-a dress he has yet to see. And there she is; standing at the end of the aisle, her arm linked through her fathers. He struggles to keep his mouth closed as Sandy past him on the shoulder. But his eyes connect with hers, a smile forming on his lips; and one on hers as she walks towards him. He can see tears shining in her eyes the closer she gets. She's beautiful; breathtakingly beautiful. Absolutely stunning. And it's driving him crazy.

Before he realizes it, she's there; standing at the bottom of the steps next to her father. His stomach is doing flip flops and his legs feel weird. He used to think that the men who fainted at their wedding were pansies. But now that he's here, staring at the angel in front of him, he knows exactly how they felt and he'd apologize a million times over if it means he doesn't faint. She looks at him, biting her lip and he winks in response. All he wants to do is kiss her soft, pink lips.

"Who gives this young woman away?" the priest, a tall balding man asks, pulling Ryan out of his trance.

"I do," Jimmy says nodding in Ryan direction and Ryan lets out a breath he didn't even know he'd been holding. Jimmy turns to his daughter. "I love you kiddo."

"I love you too daddy," she chokes out and kisses his cheek. She turns towards Ryan and he sticks out his hand to her. She smiles and slips her hand into his, giggling as he helps her up the steps to stand in front of him.

He takes her other hand in his free one, his gaze never leaving hers. The flip flops in his stomach have lessened by now and he thinks that maybe he won't faint after all. He stokes her fingers with his thumbs softly.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and this woman..."

The words flow through Ryan's head but he doesn't really register them. Staring at Marissa tends to have that effect on him; making him only vaguely aware of his surroundings and what is going on around him. But no matter how hard he tries, he can't look away from her-his beautiful, amazing fiancé. Only when she squeezes his hands does he allow himself to rejoin reality. He looks up at the smiling priest and he takes this as his queue to say his vows. He glances Kirsten and Sandy who nod. His stomach is flip-flopping again. His heart is pounding wildly in his chest; so hard that he thinks the whole world can hear it. But the world doesn't matter-not yet. All that matters is the woman in front of him, waiting for him he takes a deep breath, preparing himself to repeat the words he'd spent the last week memorizing.

"_Babe when we met, I told you I was whoever you wanted me to be. At first it was just a cheesy pick up line to keep you interested, but the closer we got...the harder I fell for you, the more I was willing to be whoever you wanted-needed me to be. But you never wanted me to be anyone but who I was."_ He pauses, his eyes completely fixated on hers. Tears are glistening in her eyes. He takes another deep breath before continuing. _"You were one of the few people who accepted me-loved me-for who I was; the boy from Chino who punched people and burned down a house. Granted I wasn't always the best boyfriend, but that didn't matter to you. No matter how many times I tried to push you away, you never gave up on me. Before you...I never had a loving relationship. I never had a future, much less a future __**with**__ someone. But I wanted a future with you. Always. I knew that no matter what happened, or who came between us or who we dated, it would always be you. It would always be you because I loved you."_ A tear trickles down her cheek and he raises his hand, hers still clasped in his fingers and he wipes away the lonely tear as she smiles_. "Even when you were gone...even when the whole world thought you were gone and was moving on...I loved you. Even then; it was you. I could name you a million reasons why I love you-but a number of them are probably too intimate,"_ he says, receiving a giggle from their audience. _"So I'll give you a few. I love you because no matter what, you wanted me for me, you didn't care about my past. I love you because you make me want to be better-a better person, a better boyfriend, a better husband. I love you because you don't judge, because you listen and you see the good in people when others can't. I love you because you saved me-with Trey and after Chino and two years ago when you didn't get on that plane. I need you, more than I've ever needed anyone. And I love you more than...more than anything. I'm ready to spend the rest of my life with you, to start a family with you, to grow old with you. I'm ready to give you my name. I'm ready to love you and be with you forever."_ He smiles, his eyebrows raised in question and she nods. The women in the audience 'awwww'. "I don't think I've ever talked so much in my life," he mumbles, making everyone who hears him laugh. He takes a deep breath, cocking his head to the side while looking at his soon to be wife.

"Marissa."

Marissa lets out a shaky, nervous breath as she stares at the man in front of her. The man she is about to marry. The man whose baby she is carrying. She smiles, sniffing back tears. _"My life was set when I met you; my future was already planned for me. But I knew that something was missing. And when you walked down that driveway it was like that was it, I didn't have to look anymore. You were right there. You were always right there. You were there when I needed you and even when I pushed you away and told you I didn't need you; you refused to let me do anything alone. You knew me better than I even knew myself sometimes. You accepted me flaws and all, mistake after stupid mistake. You never gave up on me. You saved me, physically and mentally and emotionally. You picked me up when I feel, you helped me stand when I couldn't, you listened when I needed to talk or rant, you sat with me when all I needed was quiet....you loved me when I couldn't even love myself." _She pauses and gives up on holding back tears. She remembers what Kirsten said earlier and she's never loved water proof mascara more than in this moment. And again he begins to wipe the fallen tears. _"I was away for four years, and the whole time I was trying to find myself; literally. I didn't know who I was, or what I wanted or...even what to do. I knew that something was missing though and I found myself here. With you. And even before I remembered who I was-who you and everybody else were- I knew that I'd found what I was looking for."_ She gulps back the nervous lump in her throat and a wave of nausea washes over her, so she closes her eyes for a moment. It passes quickly and she opens her eyes to see Ryan still staring back at her, his gaze never wavering. _"When I was writing my vows I tried to think of the exact moment when I knew that I wanted to spend my life with you. And I realized that I couldn't find it, because there was never a time when I didn't want to be with you. I've always been ready for forever, and now I'm ready to officially start our lives together. You and me...and our baby."_ She grins when his mouth falls open in confusion and shock.

"B-baby?" he whispers, along with everyone else in the room.

She nods and before she can even react otherwise, his arms are around her. She giggles, pretty sure that they're breaking all the rules as he lifts her off of her feet and spins her around before setting her back down carefully and pulls away, his hands falling on her stomach.

"A baby," he whispers, more to himself than anyone else.

"Well, with that being said," the priest laughs, "if there's anyone who thinks that these two beautiful people should not be married, then please speak now or forever hold your piece."

The room is silent until Luke snorts like it's the stupidest thing he's ever heard, making everyone on and off the altar laugh.

"Very well. Do you Ryan Atwood take thee Marissa Cooper to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do," Ryan says quickly, impatiently.

"And Marissa Cooper, do you take Ryan Atwood to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do."

"The rings please."

Ryan lets go of Marissa and they both turn to their respective ring holders. Luke pulls the ring out of the small velvet box and hand it to Ryan, grinning at him proudly. Summer pulls Ryan's ring out of her clutch and hands it to Marissa. They turn back to each other, grinning widely. Ryan takes her left hand in both of his and slips the ring onto her finger slowly, savouring the moment gracefully.

"Oh my God," she whispers softly, and he presses his lips against her fingers. She then takes his left hand in hers and slips the ring onto his finger. He intertwines their fingers.

"I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."

"You don't have to tell me twice," Ryan murmers, pulling his _wife_ against him and capturing her lips in his. Wife. Damn it feels good, and sounds good. He's only vaguely aware of the people clapping and cheering them on as he kisses her passionately. He pulls away, both of them breathless and flustered. "I love you," he whispers.

"I love you," she whispers back.

* * *

A little while later, after signing the documents that needed to be signed and throwing the bouquet into the air (which coincidently lands right in the arms of her younger sister Kaitlin Cooper); and after Ryan ceremoniously pulls off her garter with his teeth, leaving a trail of light kisses on her thigh and calf, everyone gathers around their respective tables for the dinner. Ryan and Marissa are surrounded by their family, while the rest of the guests have their own tables scattered around the room.

Sandy stands up to make an announcement and he's the first to make his congratulatory speech to the newlyweds. He is followed by Kirsten, the Seth and Summer, shortly followed by Julie and Jimmy and Kaitlin. And then Taylor Townsend. And they all pretty much say the same thing: that they belong together. They share stories and memories that they have with the newly married couple. They wish them the absolute best in the present and the future, near and far.

The father/daughter dance follows and Jimmy leads his oldest daughter out onto the dance floor and suddenly it's harder than he imagined it would be. Tears soak his eyes and suddenly it's like the roles are reversed and she's the one comforting him.

_Forever Young_ begins to play; Ryan and Marissa's song. Ryan steps onto the dance floor and Jimmy finds himself handing his daughter over once more to the man of her future. He doesn't have to tell him to take care of his little girl; but he does it anyway and Ryan smiles softly before taking his wife in his arms. His arms lock behind her back, holding her tight against him and her arms clasp around his neck. They move slowly, gazing at each other. "Can you believe we're having a baby?" She asks softly, smiling shyly at him. She doesn't know why because he's her husband now so she doesn't need to be shy; but still, she is.

He grins, dropping a kiss on her bare shoulder. "I can't wait," he whispers. He pulls back and presses his lips against hers and she leans into him. "How's it feel? To be Mrs. Atwood?" He knows the answer; it's the exact same as his, but he asks anyway.

"It feels...I can't even explain it," she whispers. "I've never been happier." She leans forward, kissing him softly on the lips.

He rests his forehead on hers as everyone joins them on the dance floor, _Forever Young_ still flooding the air. The last time he danced with her was when they chose this song; it was on a whim, but it worked out perfectly. The last time they danced at a wedding was at Julie and Caleb's ceremony; the atmosphere was amazingly happy, but they were the two unhappiest people in the world. And now here they are, dancing at the same altar as husband and wife. "I love you."

She smiles, pulling him closer and resting the side of her face on his. "I love you too," she whispers into his ear.

If he wasn't absolutely positive that this was happening, he's sure he wouldn't believe it. Because three years ago he wouldn't have believed it. Because three years he didn't think that it was possible. But it is. And he _is_ married to the love of his life. And he is going to be father. They are having a baby, starting a family. They are going to spend the rest of their lives together-no matter what life will throw at them. "Babe?"

"Hmmm?"

"You're not allowed to leave anymore. Not without me." His voice is low and husky.

"I'm not going anywhere."

And he knows she'd not. Neither of them are going anywhere ever again.

_** Ryan and Marissa Atwood**_

_** The end**_


End file.
